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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

FLORIDA NEWS UPDATE

Friends don't let friends drive with alligators.

(Thanks to Matt Patterson)
posted by Dave 17:39

SWEDISH CULTURE UPDATE

Evidently, the Swedes also have a lot of spare time.

(Click on the heads.)

(Thanks to Annie.)
posted by Dave 15:45

VOICE OF THE PEOPLE

I'm at the Detroit airport, and a woman near me just told her friends: "I drew the line at Celebrity Mole Hawaii. I can only take so much."
posted by Dave 09:33

MOOSE UPDATE

I spent the night at a Holiday Inn in Lansing, Mich. I was in room 359. By sheer good fortune, room 363, two doors away, was the Hospitality Suite for some kind of gathering of Moose International, which is a fraternal organization dedicated -- as far as I can tell -- to staying up all night, drinking beer and shouting. I would be almost asleep at, say, 3 a.m., and a Moose would leave the hospitality suite, and he would pause directly outside my door and shout a clever remark back to his fellow Mooses and Moosettes, such as: "DON'T LET YOUR MEAT LOAF!!" You can imagine how hilarious everybody found this.

So today I'm going back to Miami, where it's quiet.

posted by Dave 09:31

INSURANCE ADVISORY

If you're a State Farm customer, and your car is struck by a nuclear weapon, you should tell your agent that it was, I don't know, squirrel damage.
posted by Dave 16:41

MICHIGAN WEATHER UPDATE

It is very cold. But apparently people live here anyway.
posted by Dave 15:38

ETIQUETTE QUESTION

How can we explain to people, especially people in airport waiting areas, that they don't have to raise their voices when they talk on their cell phones? Seriously, HOW CAN WE MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND THIS?? Take, for example, the guy sitting next to me this morning, whose name was Roger, and who was telling somebody on this phone that somebody named DeeDee had REALLY SCREWED UP HIS TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS, REALLY SCREWED THEM UP, BUT HE WAS IN MIAMI NOW AND THE WEATHER WAS A LOT NICER HERE THAN IN DETROIT HA HA HA HA! BUT DEEDEE REALLY (CLONK)

In my imagination, I just hit Roger on the head with a baseball bat. But we can't do that for real, because (a) it would be wrong, and (b) you can't get a bat through security.

Probably the simplest, and safest, answer would be some kind of system involving highly trained snipers.
posted by Dave 15:35

IT'S NOT SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY

Mister Rogers has left the neighborhood.
posted by Dave 09:08

JOE 500 THOUSANDAIRE (BEFORE TAXES) UPDATE

Zora has confirmed to TV Guide Online (second item) that it is over between her and Evan. She did not specifically mention the horse, but Zora does not have to draw us a picture.
posted by Dave 08:53

TRAVELERS' ADVISORY

As a frequent user of Miami International Airport and Drug Smuggling Facility -- I am there right now, on my way to Detroit --I was thrilled to read in today's Miami Herald that planes could be threatened by vultures attracted by the airport's large jackrabbit population. I was even more thrilled to read that the solution being considered is to shoot the jackrabbits.

Maybe I'll just drive to Detroit.

posted by Dave 08:49

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

These days your top stars such as Sean Combs do not go anywhere without their portable bunkers.

(Thans to Suzanne Levinson)


posted by Dave 11:47

REALITY TELEVISION, BRITISH STYLE

Some people will stoop to any despicable thing to get ratings.
posted by Dave 10:17

MENTAL HEALTH ADVISORY

Do not read this article. And if you do, do not allow the song "Who Let the Dogs Out" to gain a toehold in your brain.

(Thanks to Roger Abramson)
posted by Dave 17:34

URGENT FRENCHIE DAVIS WALL CLOCK UPDATE

I have just received word that the wall clock link listed in the item below has been disabled because of "potential trademark and copyright issues." I am urging everyone to remain calm and not panic and purchase as much duct tape as humanly possible. Thank you.
posted by Dave 15:02

WHY I AM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN

I'll tell you why: Because this is the only country I know of where a person can be kicked off of "American Idol" for having once appeared on an Internet porn site, and a popular movement to reinstate that person will spring up and grow to the point where that person's face will appear on a bunch of merchandise, incuding this handsome wall clock.
posted by Dave 10:38

URGENT BREAKING LAVA LAMP SONG DEVELOPMENT

The Giant Lava Lamp song is now available for download at the official site. It is a mellow and laid-back song, apparently created by people in a mellow and laid-back mood, if you know what I mean. Some key lyrical elements are:

I'm talkin' about the lava lamp
It's a sexy, sexy thang

We're gonna build a giant lava lamp
In Soap Lake, Washington, USA...

I am getting the munchies, here.


posted by Dave 09:31

GIANT LAVA LAMP SONG UPDATE

I have received an email from the Soap Lake, Wash., Giant Lava Lamp project responding to my email asking where the long-promised Lava Lamp Song is. The email says:

Good to hear from you! We are working on that as we speak and I am disappointed it has taken sooo long. Just a few more hours or short day or two! Thanks. Brent Blake

I thank Brent for his prompt response, and will keep you all posted on this as developments warrant. Meanwhile, here is a temporary Giant Lava Lamp Song to tide you over until the real one is ready:

There's a trip you must take
To a place called Soap Lake
There you'll find a lava lamp
That, sizewise, is the world champ




posted by Dave 08:28

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

Without question the most moving part of last night's episode was when Evan and Zora revealed that the highight of their relationship to date was when they urinated together in the woods. That gave me a great idea for what to get these two crazy kids for a wedding gift.
posted by Dave 07:59

SOAP LAKE GIANT LAVA LAMP UPDATE AND CALL FOR ACTION

Like millions of you, I have been regularly visiting the site for the giant lava lamp that is, when actually constructed, going to attract throngs of tourists to Soap Lake, Wash. And, like millions of you, I always check on the Lava Lamp Song link, only to be disappointed time and time again by the message that Lava Lamp Music is "Coming Soon." But when? Haven't we waited LONG ENOUGH? I think the time has come for millions of you to contact these people and send them the heartfelt message: WE WANT THE LAVA LAMP SONG!!
posted by Dave 17:40

KIKKOMAN UPDATE

A lot of people (OK, two people) have urged me to post the link to the English-subtitled version of the Kikkoman commercial ("He came from the Planet of Soy"). So: here.
posted by Dave 15:35

TONYA HARDING BOXING UPDATE

Do not ever say that Tonya is a looser.
posted by Dave 13:47

GRAMMYS OUTRAGE

How in the name of justice did they overlook this great young talent?

(Thanks to Amanda Boote)
posted by Dave 11:01

SAFETY UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where can I find a good Japanese-language educational video about the dangers of trying to hit a melon with a stick while blindfolded after narrowly escaping from a shark?" I always direct them here.

(Thanks to Diane Duane)
posted by Dave 10:49

GRAMMYS UPDATE

I don't know how it ended, but when I fell asleep it was Nora Jones 48, Oakland 21.

I do know how it began: With Simon and Garfunkel, just two balding guys and one guitar, singing Sounds of Silence. They sounded great; maybe a little wavery, but, hey, it's been a while. While I was still enjoying that moment, out came a band that had many instruments, AND smoke, AND people coming down from the ceiling on ropes, AND a singer who had obviously put in many grueling hours thinking about her hair. I was prepared to dislike their music, but when they started playing, I realized that the song they had chosen was really, really ugly.

I know, I know. I'm old.

posted by Dave 08:53

WHY I GO ON LIVING

It is simply not possible to watch this too many times.
posted by Dave 11:18

HERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE...

...of a site I am too classy to link to.

(Thanks to Nicole Raymond)

posted by Dave 10:08

TASTEFULNESS UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, are there any sites that are just too darned tasteless for you to link to?" I answer, "There sure are".

(Thanks to Kevin Breit)
posted by Dave 10:02

FORWARD.... CLUCK!

I don't see how we can lose, not with this technology.

(Thanks to John Freisinger)
posted by Dave 09:57

ROCK STAR CONFIDENTIAL

When people ask me, "Dave, how are the members of your band able to play onstage for nearly 50 whole minutes without taking a break?" l answer that it's our little secret.
posted by Dave 10:44

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS UPDATE

The ladies' underpants have been removed from the Rock Bottom Remainders Fire in the Belly West Coast Tour website. Somebody connected with the event objected to the image of ladies' underpants appearing in connection with a charity that benefits children. Fine, I can accept this, but the underpants were replaced with: A CIGARETTE LIGHTER. Makes sense to me!

For the record, despite this change, the women in the band will, during our performances, be wearing women's underpants. So will Scott Turow, but that is confidential so don't tell anybody.

posted by Dave 10:06

JOE MILLIONAIRE BESTIALITY UPDATE

According to published reports, Zora was more attracted to the horse.
posted by Dave 09:54

INCREDIBLY SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT

I look at this, and ask myself: Is there NOTHING left to believe in?
posted by Dave 09:46

POETRY UPDATE

Like most of you, I have spent the better part of today reading and re-reading Ryan's third poem for Trista. It's a tough call, but if I had to pick the single most moving line, I'd go with the one from the second stanza, where Ryan reveals that Trista is:

Like sugar from the cane, directly through my veins.
posted by Dave 16:49

UPDATE ON PLEA FOR INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING

I see nothing at all humorous about this.
posted by Dave 16:01

A PLEA FOR INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING

I say it's time we Americans stopped childishly bashing our longtime allies, the French. We should focus on positive, intellectual pursuits.
posted by Dave 15:58

TAKE THIS MORTAL COIL AND SHOVE IT

Johnny Paycheck has cashed out.
posted by Dave 14:47

SEX UPDATE

At last, a simple explanation.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 10:06

MUSIC UPDATE

I'm a member of a rock band of authors, the Rock Bottom Remainders (motto: "We Play Music As Well As Metallica Writes Novels"). Once a year we go on tour to (a) raise money for a fine charity called "America Scores," and (b) make a lot of people bleed from their ears. This year in April we're doing our first West Coast Tour, the "Fire in the Belly" tour, which will take us to Seattle, San Francisco and Los Angeles. We will be joined by a Special Guest who can -- despite the threat that this poses to us, artistically -- actually play music. For information about the tour, and how to get tickets, and pictures of underwear, you can go here.
posted by Dave 09:31

URGENT BACHELORETTE UPDATE

Last night, Trista picked Ryan, and he proposed, and Trista revealed that she does, indeed, have a forehead implant.

COMING NEXT WEEK: The Divorce
posted by Dave 09:23

SLASHDOT INTERVIEW

This should clear up everything.
posted by Dave 14:48

LITERARY UPDATE

There are people out there with a LOT of spare time.


posted by Dave 13:44

THEOLOGY UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, how can we know that there is a higher power?" I direct them here.

(Thanks to Ray Semiraglio)
posted by Dave 10:34

FASHION UPDATE

Ask any woman: Nothing makes a man more attractive than a big old face tattoo.
posted by Dave 09:28

ETIQUETTE UPDATE

This is just so thoughtful.
posted by Dave 14:49

DIET UPDATE

God says: "PUT DOWN THAT RING DING!"

(Thanks to Michael Wittie)
posted by Dave 09:29

FINAL JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

In case you missed it, here's a transcript of the climactic two-hour episode last night:

"I, uh, there's, uh, two things, uh…"

Commercial

"I thought, uh, we, uh, really, uh…"

Commercial

"Uh…"

Commercial

"Uh…"

Commercial

Commercial

Commercial

Commercial

Without question the oratorical highlight was when Evan, in a complete sentence, made the following statement to Zora, apparently to explain why he had selected her (I am not making this statement up):

"The horseback riding was God-given."

The Surprise Twist Ending That Will Have All America Talking was so shocking and unexpected that I can barely type the words: They got money. Yes! On a TV show!

posted by Dave 09:08

UH-oh

Remember Richard? The guy who won the first Survivor? Well, it's only a matter of time before he is running the country.
posted by Dave 11:04

I HAVE A DREAM

I have a dream that a guy who designs popup ads is having a major colonoscopy, and the proctologist is saying, "It's the darnedest thing! Every time I snip a polyp, two more spring up in its place!"
posted by Dave 10:19

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 4,387

Forget Saddam. We need to stop these people.
posted by Dave 08:27

RELIGION UPDATE

My guess is, while you're praying to this saint, you'll get cut off.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for the Dave Barry for President campaign.)
posted by Dave 17:46

TASTEFULNESS UPPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, is there some humor so low-rent that even YOU will not stoop to it?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 18:29

WE SHALL OVERCOME

Don't try to tell ME that Americans don't care about social injustice!
posted by Dave 09:18

TOURISM UPDATE

If this doesn't cause huge throngs to flock to Soap Lake, Wash., I don't know what the hell will.
posted by Dave 15:54

CONNIE CHUNG UPDATE

Alert blogger Howard Owens has obtained the actual transcript of Connie's hardcore journalistic grilling of two "American Idol" contestants, and it turns out that her questions were even tougher than I thought.
posted by Dave 11:05

NAKED FESTIVAL UPDATE

As the old saying goes, "Sake and men in loincloths don't mix."
posted by Dave 10:24

VALENTINE'S DAY POEM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you duct-tape me
Then I'll duct-tape you
posted by Dave 09:32

JUST A THOUGHT

What if, for the past year or so, terrorists, working in U.S. factories, have been putting lethal biochemical agents on... duct tape?
posted by Dave 19:50

URGENT HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

You had better buy one of these right now.
posted by Dave 16:54

VEGETABLE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, can the Internet be a force for good?" I direct them here.


posted by Dave 15:59

WILDLIFE UPDATE

OK, this is just sick.
posted by Dave 12:09

WHY SOUTH FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

Our big issue, in these troubled times, is: bull flipping.


posted by Dave 09:34

HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT UPDATE

I don't know about you, but I'm taking this thing seriously. I'm wrapping duct tape around the Heineken.
posted by Dave 12:30

EXTREMELY URGENT BREAKING LOS ANGELES NEWS UPDATE

It is even raining at the airport.
posted by Dave 10:40

URGENT WEST COAST UPDATE

I am (briefly) in Los Angeles, where a HUGE story is breaking: Rain. Yes. It is coming from the sky and landing on the ground, and the TV news people cannot get over the extreme amazing urgency of this. They have reporters in rain slickers all over greater Los Angeles, and they're all reporting that, no matter where they go, incredible as it sounds, it is raining there too. And even more incredibly, the roads are wet. Some areas are expected to get more than an inch.

I will have updates on this incredible breaking story as developments warrant, or I get really bored.
posted by Dave 09:50

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

He still has not made up his mind! This is because he faces a very difficult choice. Also, he has the IQ of a lawn ornament.
posted by Dave 12:36

OSCAR OUTRAGE

How, in the name of justice, could the Academy Award nominators have ignored this film?
posted by Dave 09:39

JOURNALISM UPDATE

I just watched Connie Chung interview two "American Idol" contestants. I may have some of this wrong -- I'm a slow note-taker -- but, as I heard them, here are some of the tough, hardball questions Connie fired off:

Q. Both of you are so good!

Q. I saw your mother hug you! It was so sweet!

Q. If you win, do you think you'll still be a nice person?

Q. Good luck to both of you! I'll be watching!

posted by Dave 20:55

A CALL TO ACTION

How will you answer when, years from now, your child asks you: "Mom or Dad, what did you do to combat the evil of squirrel hazing?"
posted by Dave 19:36

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

We are in a Heightened State of Alert. Our official national-security status has been raised to Level IX, or "Buttpucker." Everybody needs to be ALERT and HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Like, if somebody at the supermarket asks you, "Paper of plastic?", your correct response is: "Who wants to know?"
posted by Dave 11:59

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

He has a big decision to make tonight. My prediction? He's going to choose the person who, when all is said and done, really and truly makes him happy. And that person is the butler.
posted by Dave 10:14

AMERICA IS DOOMED

They're also squirrel-fishing at Penn State.

(Thanks to Fred Coppersmith)
posted by Dave 01:06

MUSIC UPDATE

What I want to know is: How, exactly, is this different from opera?

(Thanks to Leah Meredith)

posted by Dave 16:55

HIGHER EDUCATION

Sure, it can cost well over a hundred thousand dollars to go to Harvard. But look at the results.

(Thanks to Christy Smedley)
posted by Dave 07:08

A SONG FOR TODAY

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
But the lines are really HUGE
posted by Dave 20:30

ADVISORY

No posts today: We're at Fisney Forld's Fagic Fingdom, experiencing the fantastic whimsical fun of paying nine dollars for a hot dog.
posted by Dave 07:50

NATIONAL SECURITY UPDATE

Cuban troops have invaded Key West.
posted by Dave 18:11

URGENT MESSAGE TO AMERICANS

If you are not passing, GET OUT OF THE LEFT DAMN LANE.
posted by Dave 18:06

STATEMENT MADE BY MY DAUGHTER EXACTLY FOUR MINUTES INTO A 250-MILE CAR TRIP

"We're not there yet."
posted by Dave 18:05

ADIOS

We're leaving now, for a 250-mile trip in an enclosed car with a two-year-old. At least we're starting out with her in the car.
posted by Dave 09:31

WHO KNEW?

Turns out they also race zucchini in Boulder.
posted by Dave 09:27

INSECT UPDATE

You know what ticks me off? It ticks me off that TV executives get credit for thinking up shows like "Survivor" and "Fear Factor," where contestants try to make money by eating insects. My former editor, Gene Weingarten, who is clinically insane and now works for the Washington Post, thought this idea up MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO. Here is proof, in the form of a column I wrote at the time, which my Technical Support Group, Judi Smith, somehow figured out how to put on the Internet.

posted by Dave 17:57

TRAVEL UPDATE

Posting here may be light or nonexistent for the next day or so, because I will be on a trip to a Secret Undisclosed Location that I will refer to by the Code Name "Fisney Forld."
posted by Dave 17:42

URGENT BACHELORETTE UPDATE

As you know by now, if you follow world events, Trista dumped Russ. Afterward, she said she knew she had made the right decision, because -- as I interpret her remarks -- Russ did not react to the news by immediately committing suicide.
posted by Dave 10:33

AN ARGUMENT FOR MOVING TO SAN JUAN

They race zucchini.
posted by Dave 07:53

WHY I LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA

The Miami Herald reports today that the chief of police of my town, Coral Gables, accidentally shot his gun in the bathroom of the police department Wednesday. Last year he accidentally shot his gun in a fitness club. Sooner or later, he is bound to hit a criminal. I say this because our criminals are not the sharpest knives in the drawer; if you scroll down from the police-chief item -- past the item about the trial of the gastroenterologist charged with having sex with a patient who was under anestheisia while being treated for varicose veins -- you come to the item about the sentencing of a man who robbed a bank and then, during the getaway, shot himself in the pants.

Two items below that is an update on an injured pygmy sperm whale, Kokomo, who had been staying in the swimming pool of a motel.

These items all appear well inside the paper, because down here they are fairly unremarkable. This is not the planet Earth.
posted by Dave 07:44

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

We have obtained the full text of Secretary of State Colin Powell's speech on Iraq to the United Nations. You can see it, and sing along, here.
posted by Dave 11:45

ECONOMY UPDATE

People say these are hard times. But I say bold new enterprises are springing up all over.
posted by Dave 09:53

ART UPDATE UPDATE

"Young Canadian Lard Sculptors" would be a good name for a rock band.
posted by Dave 08:08

ART UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, why aren't young Canadians sculpting with lard?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 07:52

ANOTHER STANKY UPDATE

I could be mistaken, but I don't think this has anything to do with the polka community.
posted by Dave 17:23

TOAD UPDATE

I can't believe I am just now finding out about this. I am reminded of the old folk saying: "Do not become intimate with a toad wearing a radio transmitter."
posted by Dave 12:08

STANKY UPDATE

Like an idiot, I assumed that Joe Stanky, of Joe Stanky and the Cadets, was the only "big name" Stanky in the polka business. Boy, is my face red!
posted by Dave 10:04

CULTURE UPDATE

If ever two people deserved to be together, for ever and ever, with no possibility of escape, those two people are Joe Millionaire and the Bachelorette.
posted by Dave 09:57

WILDLIFE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, what is a good argument FOR owning an SUV?" I direct them to the video clip at the top of this page.
posted by Dave 13:08

HUMOR UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where can I find some hilarous polka-related jokes?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 12:36

Columbia

I have an odd little connection to the Columbia: It once carried a book of mine into space. This was on a 1995 mission, STS-73, Oct. 20 to Nov. 5. An astronaut named Marsha Ivins, a neat lady with whom I've corresponded over the years, gave the crew of that mission a copy of Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys to read in space. All seven crew members -- none of whom was on the shuttle for its final mission -- wrote little inscriptions to me in the book. For example, the pilot, Kent Rominger, wrote: "You are right, the Space Shuttle is the ultimate gizmo!" After they landed, Marsha gave the book back to me. I always thought it was very cool, to have a book that had gone into space. Now it means something different, of course. But I'll treasure it.

posted by Dave 10:05

POP MUSIC UPDATE

OK, if there is a better name for a polka band than this, I would like to know about it.
posted by Dave 11:11

"They believed in what they were doing."

-- A NASA spokesperson
posted by Dave 14:22