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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

ULTIMATE SPORTS UPDATE

Men: Are you man enough for this?

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)
posted by Dave 21:51

GERALDO UPDATE

According to this report, he is still in Iraq, and appears to be wearing a tuxedo.
posted by Dave 15:31

ANOTHER SNAKE UPDATE

This story just will not quit.


posted by Dave 14:03

RECREATION UPDATE

More and more, active people are getting into Big Pant Trekking.

(Thanks yet again to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 13:52

BAD NEWS FROM IRAQ

Geraldo has been kicked out, which means there's a risk he'll be coming back here.
posted by Dave 12:59

A GOOD REASON TO GO TO SCOTLAND

Because you might encounter a traffic sign that says (really) "Beware of the Toads."
posted by Dave 09:52

SNAKE UPDATE

We have your python news AND your condom news here.
posted by Dave 09:06

YOU LOSER

You missed Zora Day in Lambertville.
posted by Dave 09:03

MORE TROUBLE BREWING

As if the world wasn't in enough of a mess, now there's conflict looming over the plan to burn the sacred snake.
posted by Dave 14:25

PEACE IS AT HAND

So to speak.

(Thanks to Elizabeth Leavy-Watts)
posted by Dave 14:16

NEW CONCEPT IN BABY FASHIONS

The "Dead Frog Look," by Bum.
posted by Dave 14:08

THIS GAL IS SUCH A KIDDER!

Madonna, out promoting her single, says "All everyone is obsessed about now is being a celebrity. That's bullshit,"
posted by Dave 14:02

WHY I LOVE MIAMI, REASON NO. 34,983

OK, the current plan for getting rid of the rabbits at Miami International Airport and Drug Smuggling Facility is to put them on a Delta flight and send them to Texas.

Nobody could make this city up.
posted by Dave 17:16

WILDLIFE UPDATE

Anybody missing a large beaver?
posted by Dave 16:40

MOTORIST ADVISORY

Avoid Beanford Lane.
posted by Dave 09:05

UH-OH

Another danged sign of the Apocalypse.
posted by Dave 22:02

HOLEY MOLEY

Employee of the year? This guy is the employee of the damn millennium.

(Thanks to Scott Koon)
posted by Dave 19:00

BATH TOYS FOR ADULTS

Quack.

(Thanks to Kip Sundquist)
posted by Dave 14:30

URGENT MEDICAL UPDATE

If I read this headline correctly, death could, in many cases, prove to be fatal.

(Thanks and arrrr to John Baur)
posted by Dave 14:26

CHILDREN'S LITERARY UPDATE

Harry Potter better watch out.

(Thanks to Bonnie Crowder)
posted by Dave 12:57

YET ANOTHER REASON TO CARRY DUCT TAPE

To guard against terrorist hawks.

(Thanks to Laura Wenham)
posted by Dave 12:26

FUN VACATION IDEA

It's a small world, after all. But fortunately it has adult beverages.

(Thanks to Mike Rouch)
posted by Dave 12:23

PETA TAKE NOTE

Here is yet another activity that we do not find amusing at all.

(Thanks to L. Muller)
posted by Dave 12:18

SECURITY UPDATE

"Gas attack! Everybody BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NECKTIE!"

(Thanks to Suzanne Levinson)
posted by Dave 11:25

CHER UPDATE

She is hanging tough.
posted by Dave 08:51

SCIENCE MARCHES FORWARD

A Welsh experimenter answers a burning question.

(Thanks to Will Clarke)


posted by Dave 08:13

MEDICAL UPDATE

You can't be too careful.

(Thanks again to Claire Martin. This might as well be the Claire Martin blog.)
posted by Dave 18:30

CONSUMER SAFETY ADVISORY

This is exactly why real men do not clean the bathroom.

(Thanks to Michele Crost)
posted by Dave 17:56

WHY I LOVE MY JOB

So I wrote a column about a trip I took in 1963, and I mentioned one of the great songs of that year, "My Boyfriend's Back," by the Angels. So today I got a nice voicemail message from Peggy Davison, the lead singer for the Angels, who reports that they're still performing, and (surprise) have an official website. Peggy points out that, although in the column I described them as "women," she was still in high school when their hit came out.

A phone message from an actual Angel. Man.
posted by Dave 12:14

HOME ENTERTAINMENT

Here's a great party idea: Invite the "whole gang" over, get out the chips and dip, and exhibit these fun photos..

(Thanks again to Claire Martin.)

(Get back to work, Claire)


posted by Dave 10:44

HUMANITARIAN PLEA

To anybody who tells me there are no worthy causes out there, I say: Oh (burp) YEAH?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 10:36

IN SYMPATHY

Take a moment to voice a quiet moo of mourning for Jessica.
posted by Dave 10:27

HISTORY UPDATE

Here, at last, is the real story.

(Thanks to Mike Atkinson)
posted by Dave 10:07

YOU PATHETIC SLUG

Here's yet another way to remind you what a loser you are.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)
posted by Dave 10:00

MORALE BOOSTER

In these trying times, we, as a nation, can always use an upbeat tune that expresses our core values..

(Thanks to Joy Durham)


posted by Dave 09:56

DEPARTMENT OF SPARE TIME

Don't tell me Americans don't care about the issues.

(Thanks to Marianne Ledford)
posted by Dave 18:06

THEY ALSO DETECT ENEMY BANANAS

More forces join the coalition.

(Thanks to Eric Brewer)
posted by Dave 17:50

UFO UPDATE

We are not ruling out the possibility that this was an alien cat.

(Thanks to Becky Barwick)
posted by Dave 15:15

CONSUMER ADVISORY

Do NOT go to bed.
posted by Dave 09:02

TRAVEL ADVISORY

If you're flying Thai Airways to Vietnam, be careful where you step.
posted by Dave 08:57

EMPLOYMENT (RIBBET) OPPORTUNITY

When people ask me: "Dave, what are the options for a person who wishes to count frogs and toads?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 07:51

TIP FOR WILDLIFE LOVERS

Make sure you check to be sure the wildlife loves you back.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)


posted by Dave 15:31

ONE FINAL OSCARS NOTE

Jon Macks wrote a joke during the show that, because of time, Steve Martin didn't get to use. It was right after the Oscar was handed out for best original song, and the joke was: "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to alarm anybody, but the Bible says that one of the signs of the Apocalypse is when Barbra Streisand gives an Oscar to Eminem."
posted by Dave 12:16

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am on my way to Omaha today. Why? Because like most people, every now and then I get a case of that Omaha Fever.
posted by Dave 07:12

IF IT ASKS FOR A CRACKER, YOU BETTER GIVE IT A DAMN CRACKER

A six-ton parrot is on the move in Miami.
posted by Dave 07:11

HOME SECURITY TIP

This is why every homeowner should always have a machine gun handy.

(Thanks to Leslie Harder)
posted by Dave 06:51

SENSITIVITY UPDATE

The wonderful thing about the Internet is the way it teaches us about complex concepts.

(Thanks to Michele Crost)
posted by Dave 19:18

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD

We all need to take a position on the issues.

(Thanks again to Amanda Boote)
posted by Dave 19:16

SPIDERMAN UPDATE

Maybe "man" is the wrong word.

(Thanks to Amanda Boote)
posted by Dave 19:14

TERRORISM UPDATE

This time, they have gone too far.

(Thanks to Clem)
posted by Dave 19:11

UH-OH

Peter O'Toole wants his Oscar back.
posted by Dave 18:51

WHEW

I'm glad that's over.But it was very interesting. I saw many famous movie stars backstage, and for the record they are all shorter than you think, except Queen Latifah, who is taller than many buildings. I also, before the show started, held Peter O'Toole's Oscar. It is heavier than you think, but not as tall.

Now I have packed up my tuxedo and am heading back to Reality, which, incredibly, is what Miami seems like, compared to this.
posted by Dave 11:26

IF YOU WATCH THE OSCARS

...and you want to see me, when they're showing the stage, look really really hard at the backdrop, wearing your x-way glasses. I will be back there somewhere, in a small group of writers wearing tuxedoes and praying quietly for laughter. Hope you like the show.
posted by Dave 18:17

WAR UPDATE

Moo.
posted by Dave 10:13

OSCARS UPDATE

Here's the real explanation for why I'm here. I'm not making this up.
posted by Dave 09:52

CRIME UPDATE

All of us, especially Cher, will sleep easier when this criminal is behind bars.
posted by Dave 12:07

MOOD OF THE OSCARS UPDATE

I attended a large pre-Oscars party last night at a swank Beverly Hills mansion. Security was tight, but this was not so much to prevent terrorism as to guard aganst the danger that the guests would encounter regular noncelebrity humans. I saw several famous movie stars, and although I did not talk to them, I would describe their mood as "subdued," in the sense that nobody got naked. Dinner was served in a tent approximately the size of Connecticut, but with more waiters. I would describe the mood in the tent as "tentative," but that would be beneath me.
posted by Dave 09:52

URGENT WAR-RELATED MUSTARD UPDATE

Please get the word out, before something terrible happens.

(Thanks to Holly Moyer)
posted by Dave 19:49

TERRORISM UPDATE

These bastards will stoop to anything to disrupt our Way of Life.

(Thanks to Dana Harms)
posted by Dave 19:45

OSCARS REPORT

I made it, and I have an official credential. I am going to devote my time to wandering around looking for free food and drink. I can report that, outside the theater where the show will be held, there was a man dressed as Superman arguing with a man dressed as Batman. So the war is definitely affecting the mood.
posted by Dave 18:22

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am traveling to Los Angeles today, to participate in a Top Secret event that, because of tight security, I can describe only as "The Academy Awards." My thinking is that, what with many actual movie stars deciding not to attend, they might just start handing Oscars out to whoever shows up.
posted by Dave 06:33

WHY WE CANNOT POSSIBLY LOSE THIS WAR

Because this guy is on our side.

(Thanks to Ariel Raunstien)
posted by Dave 21:10

WHY AMERICA IS A GREAT COUNTRY

Tell me where else this would happen.

(Thanks to Julia Kohn)
posted by Dave 21:08

A COMPLETE WASTE OF YOUR TIME

Trust me when I say there is no need for you to click here.

(Thanks to Sarah John)


posted by Dave 21:06

BRITAIN DOES NOT MESS AROUND

If you cheat, they shoot at your cat.


posted by Dave 20:58

EXCELLENT NAME FOR AN ACTUAL ROCK BAND

Check it out.

(Thanks to Chuck Goodman)
posted by Dave 11:13

BE ON GUARD, ALGONA, IOWA

A columnist offers a chilling but true historical argument for keeping a close eye on the monster Cheeto.
posted by Dave 08:37

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS

First Cher's wig, and now this.
posted by Dave 08:33

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2,038

Monica is back.
posted by Dave 08:11

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

You will want to post this prominently.

(Thanks to a lot of people who keep sending me this link, so you can stop now)
posted by Dave 17:50

PENNSYLVANIA UPDATE

A state unafraid to tackle the issues.

(Thanks to L. Muller)
posted by Dave 15:07

CALL THE ACLU NOW!!

One by one, our fundamental rights as Americans are being stripped away.

(Thanks to Tom McMahon)
posted by Dave 13:40

PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT

Put down that glass and watch this chilling, and highly scientific, advisory.

(Thanks to Cathy J.)

NOTE: You may have to try the link a couple of times, because of "bandwidth," whatever the hell THAT is.
posted by Dave 13:35

ALGONA, IOWA: HOME OF BIG MUTANT FOODS

As you may be aware, this blog has been closely monitoring the story of the Giant Cheeto. Recently, this blog had an idea, which it proposed to Bryce Wilson, the man who arranged to bring the Cheeto to Algona, Iowa. Specifically, this blog sent the following email to Bryce:

Dear Bryce --

Do you need a giant corn-flake clot to go with the Monster Cheeto? Some years ago, one of my readers (unfortunately, I no longer have his name) found a big clot of clumped-together flakes in his corn flakes and sent it to me in a handsome baseball-display case. I've had it in my office ever since, but it occurs to me that it might make a nice addition to the Monster Cheeto display. The way I picture it, after people have looked at the Cheeto for a while, they'll say, "Hey! Let's go look at the giant corn-flake clot!" And then a little while later they'll say, "Hey! Let's go back and look at the Cheeto some more!" And before they know it, the day will have flown by.

Let me know, OK?

Dave Barry

Today, this blog received the following email response from Bryce:

Dear Dave,

I don't know what to say. I would be honored to receive your clot. I just spoke to a friend about it and the gears are turning. There is a Hormel Foods plant in town. My friend has a guy who could make an enormous pepperoni. By enormous, he's saying 40 ft. And while 40 ft of anything --especially something as delicious as pepperoni-- is fantastic, I believe that freak foods found in their natural habitat are the most impressive.

Luckily the natural habitat of most snack food is not limited to its original container. For instance, I've seen colonies of snack food turn up in places like sofa cushion cracks, where they evolve and live full, happy lives. These are the freak foods I find most intriguing. This is the type of freak that your clot is. I'm sure it's a beautiful thing.

I assume you need a street address to send it to. If you still are interested in sending me your clot, my address is below.

This entire experience should be a lesson to people. A lesson in chasing one's dreams, pursuing one's goals, and never throwing anything away. Can you imagine where this world would be if the great men and women who first discovered these giants, hadn't had the foresight to preserve them for future generations? I shudder to think. If more people would pause before discarding anything and ask themselves, "what would this be worth on eBay?", the world would undoubtedly be a kinder, warmer, crunchier place.

I thank you Dave for your great contribution. Iowa thanks you, and yes, Dave, the world thanks you.

Let me know what happens next. Thank you, and Godspeed.

Bryce Wilson

It goes without saying that this blog is deeply moved, and has asked its Research Department, Judi Smith (who actually purchased the handsome baseball-style case) to send the corn-flake clot to Bryce.

And next, maybe... A giant pepperoni!

This blog can barely breathe.





posted by Dave 12:16

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Yikes.

(Thanks to Michael Simmons)
posted by Dave 10:33

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

In these uncertain times, you will want to keep this information handy.

(Thanks to Bob Sassone)
posted by Dave 06:04

UH-OH

I am pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

(Thanks to Paul Ashwin)
posted by Dave 05:58

CAPITALISM UPDATE

Paying to pee in the Windy City.

(Thanks to Stu Greer)
posted by Dave 16:12

STRANGE DAYS

On CNN, I just watched a perky weather person perkily giving the weather forecast for Baghdad.
posted by Dave 15:56

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM

Together, we will get through this.
posted by Dave 12:11

REMAINDERS UPDATE

My rock band, the world-famous (although not for a good reason) Rock Bottom Remainders, will have a very special guest interview us onstage April 25 in Los Angeles, the night before we peform at the Los Angeles Times book festival.
posted by Dave 07:59

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

Incredibly, we have no defense against this.

(Thanks to L. Powner, I think)
posted by Dave 07:54

EMERGENCY SHELTER UPDATE


This guy woke up refreshed and wrinkle-free.

(Thanks to Madhvi Bakshi)
posted by Dave 07:50

CUSTOMER SERVICE UPDATE

Can this possibly be true? Especially the name of the town the guy lives in.

(Thanks to Victoria Martin)
posted by Dave 07:44

AIRPORT SECURITY UPDATE

You are in a long line at an airport, and from the front of the line, every 15 seconds, a person shouts "PLEASE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID AVAILABLE FOR INSPECTION." By the time you reach the front, you have heard this announcement at least 40 times. So imagine how shocked a lot of people -- always including the people right in front of me -- are when they discover that they are supposed to have their boarding pass and photo ID available for inspection.
posted by Dave 07:20

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am traveling to Trennsylvania today. Blogging will be... Well, I don't know what blogging will be.


posted by Dave 07:14

NEW PICKUP LINE FOR GUYS

"Hey, baby. Want a whiff of my pits?"

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 11:58

MILITARY UPDATE

Now we are getting serious.

(Thanks to Morag Wehrle)

posted by Dave 11:52

ACTION FIGURES

You just know that, in his Secret Undisclosed Location, Dick Cheney has a complete set of these.

(Thanks to Bill Howell)
posted by Dave 11:33

PROTECTING THE CHILDREN

This is the last straw. From now on, my daughter's bedtime stories will consist exclusively of Stephen King.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)
posted by Dave 11:24

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

They claim this is new, but I have been spilling beer onto my laptop keyboard for years.

(Thanks to Greg Mayhew)
posted by Dave 11:20

YUM

Tina Mancuso sent in this excellent cuisine-related link. If you like it, you will love this book by the brilliant Mr. James Lileks.
posted by Dave 11:16

AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE WITH IRAQ

...we will definitely need to do something about this.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)
posted by Dave 11:10

THE MYSTERIOUS EAST

It's very hard to figure out what this festival is all about.

(Thanks to J. Bond)
posted by Dave 11:05

DEPARTMENT OF INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING

Responsing to my column this week is about how we can be friends with the French again, Tom Brewer has graciously sent this link to some more useful French phrases.
posted by Dave 10:33

ANNOUNCEMENT

Today is St. Patrick's day, so as evening approaches blogging will be even more incoherent than usual.
posted by Dave 09:48

WHY LAWYERS ARE SO POPULAR

An attorney for the wackjob, excuse me, the alleged wackjob, who allegedly kidnapped Elizabeth Smart allegedly said in a TV interview that his client should get a light sentence. Here is his alleged "reasoning":

Long also suggested that giving a light sentence to his client - whom he referred to as ''the perpetrator'' - could send a signal to kidnappers that they should keep their captives alive.


posted by Dave 09:44

SENSIBLE GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS BENEFITING HUMANITY UPDATE

"OK, Martha, according to the labels, your egg was laid by a chicken named Bernice, whereas mine was..."

(Thanks to Reason Online)
posted by Dave 09:37

BIG APPLE UPDATE

This could make the world forget all about the giant Cheeto.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)
posted by Dave 21:27

GIANT CHEETO UPDATE

The giant Cheeto is taking today off.
posted by Dave 13:55

BAD TASTE UPDATE

Like you, I do not find this amusing at all.

(Thanks to Michelle Caswell)
posted by Dave 13:54

HERE IT IS

It's Sunday, March 16, which means it's time for your Oklahoma Cockfighting Legislation Update.

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)
posted by Dave 13:45

BOOK YOUR TICKETS NOW

Joe Millionaire will be the April 5 headliner at Penguins Comedy Club in Bettendorf, Iowa, although, as this story notes, he is "not a comedian." Man, is Iowa "where it's at," or what?
posted by Dave 11:31

WHY PEOPLE DISTRUST THE MEDIA

An Iowa columnist is dissing the Cheeto.


posted by Dave 11:27

HOAX UPDATE

Alert person Carla Moquin has informed me that, according to snopes.com, the company I linked to yesterday that allegedly arranges "coincidental" meetings is a hoax. I apologize, and will have several people shot. But rest assured that the giant Cheeto is real.
posted by Dave 11:12

LEGAL UPDATE

The amazing thing is that anybody would go to court to claim "credit" for this.

posted by Dave 14:51

WHILE YOU'RE IN ALGONA, IOWA...

...checking out the Giant Cheeto, you will surely want to take a short drive to Wisconsin (another state) to marvel at this attraction.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)
posted by Dave 13:31

CONCIDENCES, INC.

OK, this is a little creepy.

(Thanks to Mollie Ireson)
posted by Dave 13:12

CONSUMER ALERT

Do not mess with Sprint.

(Thanks to P. Carroll)
posted by Dave 09:10

A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICA

Last night, to culminate the formal unveiling ceremony in Algona, Iowa, the giant Cheeto appeared live on national television.
posted by Dave 08:53

PROGRAM NOTE

Good news! It appears that Bump of Chicken either will be performing, or already has performed, "Love & Porkin" on Live Shower.
posted by Dave 17:04

MUSIC UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, what band are YOU listening to these days?" I answer: "Why, Bump of Chicken, of course!" (I am especially fond of Ninja Porking Tour.)

(Thanks to Kameko Tsukitaka)


posted by Dave 15:24

SHOCKING NEWS

Wait a minute. These people are saying that Michael Jackson is NOT A FARMER?
posted by Dave 14:51

MEDICAL UPDATE

NOW they tell us.
posted by Dave 14:04

SEND IN THE TROOPS

We cannot, as a nation, stand idly by and allow this to happen.
posted by Dave 10:15

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING???

Today is offficially "The Giant Cheeto Day" in Algona, Iowa.
posted by Dave 09:45

DEPARTMENT OF PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATIONS

So Don Johnson was shopping for a car, and, as any savvy consumer would, he took along eight billion dollars.

posted by Dave 09:33

CONSUMER ALERT

If you are planning to attend a performance of a Norwegian death-metal band, you will want to wear your sheephead-proof helmet.

posted by Dave 09:32

FERTILITY BREAKTHROUGH

Judging from their logo, these people are cranking out sperm the size of mature walleyes.

(Thanks to Julie Kohn)
posted by Dave 16:29

MUSIC UPDATE

You would have to try very hard to come up with a better name for a rock band than this.

(Thanks to Julie Pitchford)
posted by Dave 14:44

CULTURE UPDATE

If it is moving drama you seek, then seek no further.

(Thanks to Mark Manyen)
posted by Dave 11:28

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF CITIZENSHIP

If you care at all about the issues of the day, you will cast your vote.

(Thanks to Erin Lee)
posted by Dave 11:20

CUISINE UPDATE

If you eat here, be sure to try the prairie oysters.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 11:16

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

When people try to tell me that today's college students lack a sense of priorities, I direct them here.

(Thanks to Charles Hall)
posted by Dave 11:10

A CALL TO ARMS

Forget Iraq. This time, China has gone too far.
posted by Dave 10:05

MILESTONE

Today we received the one millionth email from somebody who (1) noticed that the Miami Herald lists my name under "LIVING COLUMNISTS" and (2) wrote to make a joke about how it's a good thing I'm not a DEAD columnist, ho ho ho.
posted by Dave 09:17

SIX DEGREES OF THE HUGE MONSTER CHEETO

As you should be aware by now, the permanent home of the Huge Monster Cheeto is going to be Algona, Iowa. By incredible coincidence, Algona is one of the many places in Iowa lucky enough to have seen, on July 31, 1968, a performance by the legendary Notorious Noblemen.

posted by Dave 09:13

STATURE UPDATE

Yes, a lot of the other presidential candidates have political experience, as well as actual positions on the issues. But, as a voter, you need to ask yourself this question: Do they have T-shirts?


posted by Dave 17:38

DANGER DANGER

Whatever you do, do not click on this link.
posted by Dave 15:48

FUN SITE FOR KIDS

PETA better not find out about this.

(Thanks to Cyrilla Baer Pond)
posted by Dave 13:19

AMERICA'S FUTURE

When somebody tells me that young people today do not have lofty goals, I answer: "Oh, really?"

(Thanks to Gayle Wildman)


posted by Dave 13:13

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

We bring you this breaking news development from the University of Georgia.
posted by Dave 12:38

URGENT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY BULLETIN

It was inevitable that these two great talents would come together.
posted by Dave 12:31

B.O. UPDATE

If these fabrics had been invented in the Sixties, I could have gotten all the way through college without doing laundry.

(Thanks to Susan J. Barretta)
posted by Dave 12:07

WHILE WE FRITTER AWAY OUR ENERGY ON IRAQ

...tourists in Rome are being attacked by gladiators.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 12:02

MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE

It is hitting the big time. It won't even return our phone calls.
posted by Dave 09:32

STATURE ALERT

Hey, why the hell not?

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)
posted by Dave 18:31

MY STANDARDS

This is tasteless and demeaning, and I refuse to link to it.

(Thanks to Julie Rathsack)
posted by Dave 18:23

DON'T TELL ANYBODY

I think I have discovered Vice President Cheney's secret location.

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)
posted by Dave 11:56

FOREIGN POLICY

You know what nation we need on our side in this Iraq deal? The Rutland Isles.
posted by Dave 15:55

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Here, for the first time since its traumatic abduction and dramatic return, is a photograph of Cher's wig.
posted by Dave 10:02

WARNING TO WOMEN II

Before performing the Heimlich maneuver, make sure the victim is not just looking for a cheap hug.
posted by Dave 20:47

WARNING TO WOMEN

If a strange man wants to cover your bare feet in baked beans and take photographs of them -- even if he has a perfectly reasonable explanation -- be aware that he may be up to no good.

(Thanks to Greg)
posted by Dave 20:39

FINAL CHER UPDATE FOR NOW

Gamely performing without her wig, Cher gave a terrific show in the Lafayette, La., Cajundome Thursday, according to this excellent and detailed story in the Lafayette Advertiser. Here is an excerpt:

When the lights came on, the crowd rose to its feet as a chandelier descended from center stage with Cher standing regally and singing “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” She wore a jeweled cape and a large, jeweled headpiece — both lined in white fur.

Costumed attendants helped Cher out of the cape and headpiece, which revealed an elegant pantsuit with a jeweled headband. Not unnoticed by the mostly middle-aged audience was a tiny mid-drift roll. It was the 56-year-old entertainer’s only physical flaw and it served to make her more human, some said.

Imagine! Cher being more human!



posted by Dave 11:16

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am attempting to get from California to Florida by air today, so I do not expect to be blogging ever again. Thank you for your patience.
posted by Dave 10:55

CRIME IN (COUGH) THE (COUGH) UK

If this were illegal in the United States, nobody would ever pass a math test.
posted by Dave 10:53

LET THE WORLD REJOICE

Cher's wig has been returned. We can now resume looking for Whoosits bin Whatsis.
posted by Dave 10:28

CRIME UPDATE

I have reason to believe that one of these people may be in possession of Cher's stolen wig.
posted by Dave 20:10

SOMEBODY ALERT PETA

This is just not natural.

(Thanks to Rob McCleave)
posted by Dave 19:13

CULTURE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where are the great poets of today?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 10:04

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

My advice is, go to Lambertville, N.J., immediately and camp out, so that you will be guaranteed a good spot for this historic event.
posted by Dave 09:58

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY UPDATE

If I were an HBO executive, I would check my bed carefully for horse heads.
posted by Dave 09:21

WHAT EVERY HUMAN SHOULD KNOW

Before the Internet, it was almost impossible for the average person to obtain this information.

(Thanks to Mike Atkinson)
posted by Dave 21:47

MEDICAL UPDATE

Here in California, you can hear radio advertisements for the Center for the Cure of Sweaty Palms.
posted by Dave 18:59

TRAVEL UPDATE

My plane was late out of Pittsburgh, because it had carelessly been left outdoors all night and was covered with snow, which had to be slowly, painstakingly removed. I made it to Chicago, where I just barely made my next plane, only to discover that it, too, had been carelessly left outdoors all night and was covered with snow, which had to be slowly, painstakingly removed.

There better NOT be snow in California.
posted by Dave 09:10

THE PLUMBING OF TOMORROW, TODAY

Truly, we live in the golden age of technology.

(Thanks to Charles H. Pannunzio)
posted by Dave 06:06

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Blogging will be light today, as I am attempting to go from Pennsylvania to California by air. I realize that I said blogging would also be light yesterday, but I was clearly lying.
posted by Dave 05:58

JOURNALISM UPDATE

It would have been much more entertainng if this guy had used a thick Irish brogue.
posted by Dave 05:55

HUGE MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE UPDATE

I have just received the following via electronic (or "E") mail:

Hello.
My name is Bryce Wilson and I am the proud man who brought a large Cheeto to a small farm community in Iowa. I know the whole thing seems to have no worldly importance. In fact, living in Florida you may not even bother filling your head with such useless knowledge such as, "Where is Iowa?" or "What is Iowa?"
But where I come from people get excited about loose cows. In that I mean both a) cows that escape the farm to roam down the highway, and b) otherwise. This Cheeto, will in fact, change the face of North Iowa. I have already contacted the D.O.T. I assume the roads will need to be widened to accomodate the heavy tourist traffic, as folks flock from miles around to be witness to the big Cheeto. I predict lines rivaled only by those in Russia at Lenin's dead, waxy, body.
Because, by displaying the Cheeto in a temple, I will be taking a large portion of food out of circulation, I've decided to put some back in. I'm now raising money for the local food pantry, all in the name of the Cheeto. I've raised 180 (Iowa) Dollars which converts roughly to $1,800 in Miami.
If you would like to contact me in regards to the Cheeto, please do before my 15 minutes is up.

It's a deperate situation. Really.
Thank you,
Bryce Wilson
KLGA

I am wondering if the Cheeto will draw traffic away from the Soap Lake, Wash., Giant Lava Lamp.

posted by Dave 13:58

OLYMPICS OUTRAGE

How can badminton be an official sport, while this is not?


(Thanks to Michael Greenspan AND BJORN FROM THE BOARD)
posted by Dave 13:51

A PLEA TO HUMANITY

I am calling on the entire population of the world to drop whatever it is doing and join the urgent search for Cher's wig.
posted by Dave 12:11

HUGE MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE

Incredibly, there were no bids.
posted by Dave 11:36

URGENT WORLD PEACE UPDATE

All I can say is, thank God this happened before either side obtained nuclear weapons.




posted by Dave 11:31

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Blogging will be light today, as I am traveling to a Secret Undisclosed Location that rhymes with "Kennsylvania." I will be flying via "USAirways," formerly "USAir," formerly "Allegheny Airlines," formerly "Lucent." It may have a new name when I get there; sometimes they change it while you're in flight, using highly trained, very brave painters clinging to the fuselage.
posted by Dave 07:14

INFORMATION UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where can I get the latest news from the world of pumps?" I direct them here.
posted by Dave 16:40

SOMEBODY ALERT MICHAEL JACKSON!

Madonna is writing children's books.
posted by Dave 10:17

MOO II

Michael Jackson reportedly paid a voodoo doctor $150,000 to terminate 25 of Jackson's enemies, including David Geffen and Steven Spielberg, via various technical voodoo procedures that included the ritual sacrifice of 42 cows.
posted by Dave 10:10

MOO

Today seems like a good day to take our national productivity down a notch by introducing everyone to the spellbinding game of cow concentration.
posted by Dave 10:05

GUY LYRICS UPDATE

Bill Burks reminds me that there was a second verse to the junior-high-school-guy version of the "Nothin' Could be Finer" song, which went:

Nothin' could be sweeter
Than to have her etc.

If you don't know what the "etc.," is, you will have to ask a guy, because this blog is too classy for that kind of smut.
posted by Dave 14:50

TECHNOLOGY BENEFITS EVERYONE

The beauty of the Internet is that, because it gives us access to literally trillions of dollars worth of computer-related infrastructure, we can waste time faster than ever before.

(Thanks to Morag Wehrle)



posted by Dave 14:41

CANADIAN CULTURE UPDATE

They are cooking naked on TV.

(Thanks to Mary Lou Chandler)
posted by Dave 11:02

GUY TENDENCIES

Jean Brodahl emailed to say:

Dear Dave,

As I heard my husband singing, "I've got sperms that jingle jangle jingle," I thought of you.... Do most men ALWAYS substitute words in songs to make them dirty? Another example: "These Eyes," by the Guess Who, has of course been changed to "These Thighs."

Dear Jean: This is a universal guy trait. One of my most vivid memories of Harold C. Crittenden Junior High School is sitting in music class, singing old American folk favorites, with the boys' section singing, in perfect unison:

Nothin' could be finer
Than to be in her vagina
In the moooooooooor-ning...

Or maybe that was just MY friends.



posted by Dave 09:25

TODAY'S SHOCKING MEDICAL FACT

More people need to be aware of this.
posted by Dave 09:18

CRIME UPDATE

When pillows are outlawed, only outlaws will have pillows.

(Thanks to Quail)
posted by Dave 18:13

ART UPDATE

When people try to tell me that the days of making sculptures of hideous mythical beasts out of marshmallows and then setting them on fire are past, I laugh and direct them here.

(Thanks to B. Durbin)

posted by Dave 18:06

HARVARD UPDATE

If you think all they do up there is fish for squirrels, think again. They are also into art criticism.
posted by Dave 10:47

HUGE MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE

The bad news is, the Huge Monster Cheeto has been sold on eBay. The good news is, you can now bid on a digital image of the Huge Monster Cheeto. Please note, as the item description states, "you are not bidding on the actual Cheeto."

(Thanks to Greg Mayhew)
posted by Dave 08:46

NEWS YOU CAN USE

When people ask me: "Dave, where, in these uncertain times, can I obtain solid information on the Culkin family?" I direct them here.

(Thanks to Craig Patterson)
posted by Dave 08:40