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Tuesday, September 30
ATTENTION, ADVENTURE-LOVERS

Fly
Skyhigh.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and David Brien)
posted by Dave 19:00
MAGGOTS MAKING ART

I say we give
them a large federal grant.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)
posted by Dave 18:54
WHY THIS BLOG SUPPORTS THE DEATH PENALTY

Because, darn it,
some cases demand it.

(Thanks to many concerned people)
posted by Dave 18:48
THAT WAS NO "STUNT"

That was a
Florida motorist.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 18:41
IS THERE A SAUDI EXPRESSION EQUIVALENT TO "CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE"?

Because if so,
this guy is going to be hearing it.

(Thanks to Dan Postma)
posted by Dave 09:48
WHAT SWITZERLAND HAS BEEN WORKING ON

It has been working on improving the
spaghetti plate.

(Thanks to Lisa White)
posted by Dave 09:34
ATTENTION, KIDS

Here's a
fun site from some fun people.

(Thanks to Pat McKenna)


BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Today I am flogging in Seattle. Tonight at 7 I'll be at Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park. Presumably there will be nobody there who's running for governor of California. Although you never know.

posted by Dave 09:28
Monday, September 29
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
mice.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)
posted by Dave 19:37
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Big Ripley and the One-Eyed Frogs

(Thanks to Leslie Soules)
posted by Dave 12:06
TERRORISM UPDATE

This time the bastards have gone
too far.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 12:03
FORGET THE SO-CALLED "INTERNET"

Your truly "high tech" individual is now communicating via
Trouser Semaphore.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)
posted by Dave 12:01
TREK THUNDER KELLY UPDATE

Of course he has a
website.

(Thanks to Joe Pignatiello)
posted by Dave 11:46
GUY SAFETY ADVISORY

Do not discuss
certain topics while operating trains.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 11:33
BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Today I will be flogging around San Francisco (a lot of flogging goes on in San Francisco) and tonight I'll be at
Book Passage in Corte Madera at 7. No word yet on whether Trek Thunder Kelly will attend.
posted by Dave 10:11
CALIFORNIA GUBERNATORIALHOOD UPDATE

At the booksiging at Kepler's in Menlo Park last night -- and thanks to the folks who came -- an alert Californian named Shannon handed me a list of statements supplied by candidates for governor. One of the candidates, running as an independent, is "Trek Thunder Kelly." Here is Trek Thunder Kelly's statement:
Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution so they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

And people say there are no serious candidates.

posted by Dave 10:07
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Pudding Throwers

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 00:01
Sunday, September 28
WAIT A MINUTE! HOW COME THE DOLLAR IS ON THE BOTTOM?

Russians produce
currency porno.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)
posted by Dave 15:12
FINALLY

A
practical alternative to calling Technical Support.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 15:08
CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And we're sure somebody on your list would love to receive the
story of Nikola Tesla told entirely in Morse code.

(Thanks to Lane Closure)
posted by Dave 06:54
ATTENTION, DECEASED PEOPLE
A friend and I were discussing how she could obtain a relative's death certificate. I suggested she try contacting the county in which the death was registered and ordering a certificate from them. To test my theory, I checked the website for Multnomah County, Oregon (link below) where I found this puzzling statement:
"... If you need a certified copy of your death certificate, you should contact the Certification Unit of the Oregon Center for Health Statistics. "
http://www.co.multnomah.or.us/dbcs/FREDS/records/reference.shtml
Emily Rampton
Portland, Oregon

posted by Dave 06:44
BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to everybody who came out to Books and Books in Coral Gables last night; there was a nice turnout, and only limited shooting. Today I'm traveling to (why not?) California, and will be flogging my book at 5 p.m. tonight at Kepler's in Menlo Park. I assume that there will also be California gubernatorial candidates on hand, in case anybody needs to hear their views on anything.

posted by Dave 06:17
Saturday, September 27
EXCITING NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF MARINE BIOLOGY

We will all sleep better, knowing
this.

(Thanks to many concerned people)
posted by Dave 11:59
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
pigeons.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 11:54
BRA BALL ADVISORY
Dave:
I am writing in regard to an article you posted on your blog this morning.  I went to the Bra Ball website that was posted yesterday and read all about Emily Duffy's bra ball.  After reading the Bra Ball article that you posted this morning, I wanted to learn more about Ron Nicolino's bra ball, in an effort to remain "fair and balanced" on the whole bra ball issue.  Therefore, I clicked on the link at the bottom of the article, and oh, what a surprise! 
Let me just say that Mr. Nicolino certainly has an interesting project going.  Perhaps he uses the bras of the women pictured after they rip them off in a frenzy of passion?
Anyway, just thought I'd warn my fellow readers about the porn link.
Beth S.

Thank you, Beth S. This blog assumes your fellow readers will govern themselves accordingly.

posted by Dave 11:38
BIG DEAL

This has happened to us hundreds of times.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 11:31
ATTENTION, K-MART HALLOWEEN SHOPPERS

You need
this.

As you admire the photo, ask yourself: Where do the batteries go?

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)
posted by Dave 11:27
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

Interesting
Realtor name.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 11:19
BOOK TOUR UPDATE

I'm home for one day and flogging my book tonight at 8 at my excellent local Coral Gables bookstore,
Books and Books, where they sell books and beer, so there is really no reason to ever leave.
posted by Dave 09:20
THIS IS VERY BAD, WE THINK

The
World Conker Championships are in jeopardy.

(Thanks to David Smith)
posted by Dave 09:15
BRA BALL UPDATE

It turns out there are two of them (bra balls, that is), and there is, needless to say, a
legal controversy.

(Thanks to Kathryn Andrews)
posted by Dave 09:11
ATTENTION, WAIKATO RESIDENTS

Be alert for
mystery flying muck.

(Thanks to Daniel Koning, who also submitted some explicit plant porno)
posted by Dave 09:02
HOW A GUY TREATS BEAR BITES

A guy uses
duct tape.

(Thanks to nine skillion people)
posted by Dave 08:50
HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Here's a fun
costume idea for the kids.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 08:40
ATTENTION, RESTAURANTS SERVING IOWANS

Do not offer them
all they can eat.

(Thanks to Kelli Kirkle)
posted by Dave 08:37
THERE ARE ACCIDENTS...

...and then there are
tragedies.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)
posted by Dave 08:34
ANNOYING STUNT MAGICIAN DAVID BLAINE UPDATE

It is
getting ugly.

Key quote: "A 28-year-old man was arrested for being in possession of a catapult"

(Thanks to Andy Freeman)

In a related development brought to this blog's attention by Christina Stephens, somebody has developed a very tasteless and bad and wrong game that this blog would not consider linking to.
posted by Dave 08:31
STOP THE PRESSES!

They have solved the mystery of the
Kokomo Hum.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 08:28
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for:
Snakes In Action
posted by Dave 08:25
Friday, September 26
MORE BRASSIERES MAKING NEWS

They're
hanging from the trees in Michigan.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 15:48
NOW THIS IS WHAT THIS BLOG CALLS ART

Presenting:
The Bra Ball.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)
posted by Dave 08:07
FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT SCIENTISTS ARE INSANE

They have decided that what we need is:
more rats.

(Thanks to Nate West)
posted by Dave 07:50
Thursday, September 25
HEADLINES-IN-MY-PANTS UPDATE

"Yahoo Launches New Search Engine In My Pants" (Paul G)
"45 Passengers Reportedly OK After Accident In My Pants" (Amy Snively)
"Sonics Take It To The Hole In My Pants" (Colin McCluney)
"Suit Says Protesters Kept Away From Bush In My Pants" (Michelle Megret)
"I hate to tell you this, but David Letterman wore out that gag months ago." (Bill Crider)

Dang.

posted by Dave 18:15
FURTHER PROOF THAT SCIENTISTS ARE INSANE

They want to make a
giant squid sex video.

Key quote: "The freezer bag at home - to my wife's disgust - is actually full of giant squid gonad samples."

(Thanks to Megan Zelinsky)
posted by Dave 15:56
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
rabbits.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 11:56
ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION

Be honest: Do you actually care who the next governor of California is? Do you even care if California has a governor?

Neither does this blog. Thank you.

posted by Dave 11:54
BOOK TOUR ADVISORY

I am flogging in Chicago today and will appear tonight at 7 at Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville, Illinois. I will be the one with the giant hollow spaces where normal people have eyes.

posted by Dave 11:46
TELEMARKETER UPDATE

This blog is aware that there are new developments in the telemarketers story. This blog will monitor the situation and take action in the form of a column that will no doubt be wildly out of date when it actually appears maybe two weeks from now. Thank you for your patience. Your call IS important to this blog.

posted by Dave 11:44
Wednesday, September 24
BOOK TOUR ADVISORY

I am flogging my
book today in Washington, D.C. Tonight I'll be at Olsson's Books in Arlington, Va., at 7. I'll be sleeping on the floor, but, dammit, I'll be there.
posted by Dave 08:23
JUST A THOUGHT

How about we put
this judge in charge of the California recall election?

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 08:10
ROMANCE UPDATE

Your
dunghill, or mine?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 08:00
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are
biting librarians.

(Thanks to Nathan Nelson)
posted by Dave 07:54
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL MIDDLESBORO, KENTUCKY

That Manson, Iowa, home of "Greater Crater Days," already thought up the idea of attracting tourists by billing itself as a meteor crash site.

(Thanks to Jake Hamer)
posted by Dave 07:49
ARE YOU GLAD TO SEE ME?

Or do you have several deadly
king cobras strapped to your legs?

(Thanks to Annette Goeres)
posted by Dave 07:38
HEADLINES-IN-YOUR-PANTS UPDATE

Bush at U.N.: 'No neutral ground in my pants'
Sun: Chips move data 100 times faster in my pants
Poll: Bush Down, Clark up in my pants
Eric Rudolph's lawyers seek documents in my pants
Group: High chemical levels in breast milk in my pants
'Oldest' modern man fossil unearthed in my pants
Travel made easier for gay couples in my pants
Schools tackle PDA problems in my pants
Ben and Jen together again in my pants
California election back on in my pants
Artic Ice Shelf splits in my pants
Second Guantanamo official held in my pants
Maldives had second jail riot in my pants
Russian critics blast Putin's record in my pants
Liberians used as forced labor in my pants

(Thanks to Russ Fletcher, Theresa Hogue, John Toomey and probably other people)

posted by Dave 07:23
Tuesday, September 23
ARRRGGH

As I write these words, I am in a car traveling westbound on Manhattan Island. We're trying to get to LaGuardia, which is actually located -- ask anybody -- east of Manhattan Island. But we can't go east because the police have blocked off all the streets so major world leaders can have meetings wherein -- ask anybody -- nothing will be accomplished. So everybody in New York is in a terrific mood.

Next time, they should put the United Nations in North Dakota.

posted by Dave 18:36
ATTENTION, TOURISTS

Pack your bags immediately and head for the new tourist attraction of Middlesboro, Kentucky, which according to
this article was the site of a meteor impact a long time ago!
William M. Andrews Jr., a geologist with the Kentucky Geological Survey, said erosion and vegetation have hidden most signs of the meteor's impact. But enough evidence remains, he said.

This is big news:
It's enough to excite local tourism officials, who are hoping people will come from across the nation to visit the town. They're now promoting Middlesboro as the only town in America built inside a meteor crater.
"We're trying to get the word out," said Judy Barton, director of the Bell County Tourism Commission. "This is just another jewel in our crown."

We are on our way!

(Thanks to Dennis Gamble)
posted by Dave 08:02
ATTENTION, BABOONS

Do not steal
cake.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 07:50
IN-MY-PANTS-GAME UPDATE
Here are some more amusing augmented CNN headlines:
"Muslim chaplain's arrest prompts probe in my pants"
"Haley Joel Osment grows up in my pants"
"Cameron Diaz doing TV in my pants"
"Security alert focuses on 'gadgets' in my pants"

-- Dan Koning

posted by Dave 07:37
Monday, September 22
ATTENTION, MOOSES

Beware of
hammocks.

(Thanks to Ali Monroe)
posted by Dave 21:10
ATTENTION, BUS PASSENGERS

Do not
sway.

(Thanks to T. Dombrock)
posted by Dave 21:02
AUSTRALIA: LAND OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRINK BEER

And that is one thing that makes it
great.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)
posted by Dave 20:54
SOMEBODY SHOULD SUE
Something that appeared in the Kansas City Star near your column got me wondering:
Why is it that models don't get credit for their work even though everyone else associated with the photo does? In this instance the designer of the floor mat that the model was standing on got credit, but for the model, nada. I'm a 38 year-old male who, like most, worships women in all their many forms and I grew up with Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions and Playboy, where the models were the focus. I'm pretty sure I'd rather date the model than the floor mat guy. I wonder if you could run this idea through the toilet and come up with a column idea?
I promise I won't sue, since I couldn't afford it.
Wesley Riggs
Merriam, Kansas
USA (as it was in 1957)

posted by Dave 20:51
WHY NOT? WHY THE HELL NOT?

Remember the fortune cookie game? I don't know if it was a huge hit outside of Utah (where I reside), but the basics of that game was to read your fortune and then add the phrase "...under the sheets" or "...in bed" after it.
Example: Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's water lily...under the sheets.
A little childish, maybe, but when you'd get a really good one (Enjoy what you have. Hope for what you lack...in bed.) your friends will spew Coke out of their nostrils.
To make a long story longer, I decided to put a twist on this game, but use news headlines instead of fortunes, and add the phrase, "...in my pants" to the end.
Examples using CNN:
"Buffalo-sized guinea pig revealed...in my pants!"
"Cuban hijacker sentenced to 20 years...in my pants!"
"Pizza man probably not alone...in my pants!"
You see how this can be a fun little game?
Anyway, I'm only one man with a smaller blog than yours (don't tell anyone I admitted that my blog is smaller), so I though maybe your readers could have some fun with this.
Thank you for your time, and I hope that I'm not officially on your 'block e-mail' list.
Eric C. Taylor: Traffic Dude KALL KURR KZHT

You're welcome, Eric... in my pants!
No, wait.

posted by Dave 20:39
BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Well, I made it to New York City. It took about three hours to fly here from Miami, and another three to get from La Guardia to my hotel. The problem is that the United Nations, without consulting me, has decided to have some kind of meeting, and I am booked at the same hotel as a famous world leader, who I think is the Dalai Lama (brother of the Bob Lama). But I don't know for sure who it is. All I know is that, to check in, I had to talk my way through numerous police officers guarding the hotel from terrorists. Although I frankly I doubt that the terrorists would ever have dealt with the traffic, which is a horrible mess. "The hell with terrorism, let's go home," is what they would have said.

Maybe that's the point.

posted by Dave 20:30
BLOGGING ADVISORY

This blog leaves today on a publicity tour to flog a
book. To judge from the schedule, this blog will not have time to go to the bathroom, let alone read email and post things. So blogging will be sporadic and highly inaccurate for roughly the next two weeks. In the meantime, this blog is counting on all of all of you to remain productive. If you have any questions, look into your heart and ask youself: What would He do? Good luck.

posted by Dave 11:16
TRAGIC ITEM WITH NO REDEEMING HUMOR VALUE

You will not find this blog linking to
this kind of story.

(Thanks to "edgewise")
posted by Dave 10:34
EMAIL REPORT: NAKED PEOPLE TALKING LIKE PIRATES IN CLEVELAND, GEORGIA
Dear Mr. Barry,
I just wanted to let you know that naked people in northeast Georgia LOVED Talk Like a Pirate Day, arrr. Those who were initially annoyed got into the spirit soon enough (thanks to grog).
Thanks for all the columns that make my wife wonder what the hell's wrong with me.
Yours sincerely,
Stuart Antrim
Co-manager of Customer Satisfaction and Park Operations
Serendipity Park Nudist Resort
Cleveland, GA

"Customer satisfaction"?
posted by Dave 09:24
Sunday, September 21
CAFETERIA FOOD UPDATE

"Dig in!" says
Maggot Pete.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 11:47
WHY THIS COUNTRY WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED

Because it contains
Minnesota women.

(Thanks to cljroth)
posted by Dave 11:40
THIS MIGHT SEEM LIKE A LOT TO PAY FOR CD JEWEL CASES

...but you get 25 in the package, so when you break
the price down, you're actually only paying about $40,000 apiece.

(Thanks to Chip Everts)
posted by Dave 11:15
EMAIL
Dear Dave,
My name is Lexie. I'm 15 and I live in Nashville, TN. My best friend Anna-Laura and I are major fans of yours. We want your advice on something. We are Hillsboro High school marching Band managers( or as my boyfriend calls it the Bands Bitches). We were at a football game last night having a conversation about the band. Well I came up with the idea of making a documentary about what its like to be a marching band Manager. Does that seem weird to you?

No weirder than, for example, Emeril.

posted by Dave 11:09
BOOOOOOOUUURRP

A British ghost is
stealing beer.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)
posted by Dave 11:07
AND EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Problems on the highway in Oklahoma.

(Thanks to Benajamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 11:00
Saturday, September 20
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND ONE MILLION DOLLARS ON A KEYBOARD

It should definitely be
this one.

(Thanks to Bonnianne Crowder)
posted by Dave 10:54
Friday, September 19
TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY UPDATE

Here's a fine
arrrrrrrrticle.
posted by Dave 14:31
AVAST

Today we be on N-P-ARRRRRRRRRR.
posted by Dave 13:09
EMAIL FROM A FRIEND IN THE WASHINGTON, D.C., SUBURBS, WHO USED TO LIVE IN MIAMI
Trees down. Fence down. No power in sight, possibly for days. Drinking water contaminated, so we have to boil for more than a minute. Except, wait a second, we have no power to boil with!
WHY THE HELL DID I LEAVE SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by Dave 12:31
AND ANOTHER COMPLIMENTARY FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE GOES OUT TO...


...
this man.

(Thanks to whoever you arrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
posted by Dave 12:25
UPDATE: SOCIAL LIVES OF GUYS

We see no problem, as long as it was a consenting
rock.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)
posted by Dave 12:22
WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THIS, ME HEARTIES?

Euro-Afro-Asia Sweepstakes Lottery
580 N. Tenth Street
Sacramento, CA 85914.
Tel/Fax:1-928-222-0713
Email:pamela_white001@123.com

Dear Subscriber,

RE: FINAL LOTTERY DRAW NOTIFICATION VIDE BATCH NO:14/0017/IPD.

The above subject refers.

Sequel to our earlier mail correspondence to you in respect of the above subject, in which you were notified of your entry for our 3rd INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY PROMOTIONAL OFFER DRAWS announced earlier last month, we are pleased again to inform you that you have been short listed as one of the FIVE lucky Winners for the grand prize of US$100,000,000.00 ( One Million Dollars ), as part of our promotional offer, in which the five lucky winners were randomly selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 15 Million Entries across Europe, America, Austrialia, Asia and Africa. All participants were selected randomly from World wide Web site through computer email draw system and extracted from over 200,000 companies. This promotion takes place annually

Consequent upon this draw result for your entry number 240-1146-1975, your entry has been approved for lump sum pay out of US$200,000 (Two Hundred Thousand Dollars) in cash credited to file number: E.AAS/AB/V0L3/-03, with our designated paying bank from where you are expected to be paid.

Furthermore, as part of our security protocol and measures to avoid double claiming by other participant of this program, we advise that you keep this strictly confidential until your claim has been processed and your funds remitted to your account. Be informed that claims by proxy, would not be acceptable and such claim would be voided.

Accordingly, you are hereby again directed by this notice, to contact the International Promotional Manager, using the email contact address given above for prompt conclusion of your claims and further directives. It is also important to inform you that claims not processed within 8 banking days, effective from the day of receipt of this mail correspondence, would be returned as unclaimed. It is also advised that for easy of processing of your claim, you must quote your pay out file number in all future correspondence to this office.

Be Advised and Treat as Urgent.
CONGRATULATIONS!.

Yours Truly,
Mrs. Pamela White.
Intn’l Promotional Manager
Euro - Afro Asian Sweepstake Lottery.

posted by Dave 11:47
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY...

...to
this lady.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)
posted by Dave 11:30
A DRAMATIC BREAKTHROUGH....

...in
school-cafeteria food.
posted by Dave 11:27
A PIRATE HAIKU COMPETITION, FOR THE GREATEST TREASURE OF ALL

Pirate underpants!

(Thanks to Claire Marrrrrrrrrrrrrtin)
posted by Dave 11:02
TERRORISM UPDATE, ME HEARTIES

Now the bastarrrrrrrrrds are using
bees working in concert with Justin Timberlake.

(Thanks to John Dodds, and Tom Wimbish)
posted by Dave 09:31
TV NEWS PERSONS: DUMBER THAN GOAT DROOL?

We report: You decide, mateys.

(Thanks to Matthew Alfano)
posted by Dave 09:26
ARRRRRR

Arrrrrr.

posted by Dave 09:13
Thursday, September 18
ABSOLUTELY THE LAST POST ABOUT THE JAPANESE SINGING EGGPLANTS, EVEN IF IT IS TOTALLY INCORRECT, BECAUSE THIS BLOG IS TRYING TO GEAR UP FOR INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY TOMORROW AND CANNOT KEEP DWELLING ON THE DAMN JAPANESE SINGING EGGPLANTS

I'd like to correct Brad Buset.
The eggplants are singing the *Japanese* version of Tatu's song 'Not Gonna Get Us'. Tatu is Russian, but to cater to Japanese men's obsession with schoolgirls, Sony Japan have formed their own group for the Asian market. Instead of it being two Russian girls who dress like schoolgirls and profess to being in a lesbian relationship with one another and sing mildly catchy Europop, it's two Japanese girls who dress like schoolgirls and profess to being etc etc... The Japanese Tatu's site is here.
Not like it matters...
Gia Milinovich

posted by Dave 16:08
STEP ASIDE, GIANT GUINEA PIG!

Make way for the
immense wombat.

(Thanks to Ben Studtmann)
posted by Dave 16:01
NEW SNACK CONCEPT FOR GUYS

The
Power Sausage

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 15:48
AND HE USES IT TO REHEAT PIZZA

College student makes
fusion reactor.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 15:37
THEY USED TO ROAM THE EARTH, EATING RESEARCH SCIENTISTS

Presenting:
Giant prehistoric guinea pigs.

(Thanks to Keith Wolters, and John Harvey)
posted by Dave 15:31
ATTENTION, COASTAL PORK OPERATORS!

Be advised that
pork operations have ceased.
 
Also: "The Pork Operators" would be a good name for a rock band.
 
That is all.
posted by Dave 15:26
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are
mysteriously killing enormous squids.

(Thanks to Gretchen)
posted by Dave 10:40
SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

Leave that gummy bear
on the floor.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)
posted by Dave 09:25
A COOL THING YOU COULD BE FOR HALLOWEEN

You could be a {link deleted}


posted by Dave 09:21
Wednesday, September 17
ATTENTION, DICK "DICK" CLARK

Please reclaim your
items.

(Thanks to Buck "Buck" Yocum)
posted by Dave 17:23
WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST GOSHDARN DEMOCRACY ON EARTH

Because we are free to vote on
which political figure looks most like Skeletor.

(Thanks to Rami Genauer)
posted by Dave 13:04
LEONARD NIMOY VIDEO APPRECIATION
Thank you so much for posting the link to Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins video. I've had that song on CD for over a year, and have driven a long-time friend to total madness by teaching the song to her six children. I never knew about the video, however, and now have a totally new way to torment my ol' high school chum. I always knew Nimoy was ahead of his time by performing poorly done covers of Peter Paul and Mary tunes...but that piece is worthy of MTV2. You have made my day!
Chris Lucas

posted by Dave 12:47
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
nervous ducks, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 12:44
HURRICANE PREPARATION ADVISORY FOR GUYS

Duck.

(Thanks to Isabelle -- really -- Briand)
posted by Dave 10:39
ATTENTION, THAILAND MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Missing something?

(Thaks again to Theresa Hogue)
posted by Dave 09:24
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
tea bags.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)
posted by Dave 09:19
Tuesday, September 16
HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

As Hurricane Isabel approaches the East Coast, I thought it might be helpful if I reprinted a Hurricane Preparedness Guide I wrote some years ago for the Miami Herald. It has some specific references to South Florida, but it should be just as useless to residents of other areas.

For information that is actually useful, an excellent place to look is the Herald's
storm site.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS GUIDE
Dave Barry

We're entering the heart of hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherperson pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.

2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." The best way to get information on this topic is to ask people who were here during Hurricane Andrew (we're easy to recognize, because we still smell faintly of b.o. mixed with gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Florida. If you're one of those people, you'll want to clip out the following useful hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a storm is brewing, you will not be able to locate it.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE -- If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, both Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS -- Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

-- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

-- Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

-- Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

-- "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"HURRICANE PROOFING" YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into harmless objects).

EVACUATION ROUTE -- If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! South Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

-- 23 Flashlights.

-- At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some, dammit!)

-- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

-- A large quantity of bananas, to placate the monkeys. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate monkeys.)

-- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over again how vitally important it for everybody to stay the hell away from the ocean.

At that point, if you've prepared all you can, there's frankly nothing left to for you to do but pray. I mean for a really BIG wave.
posted by Dave 15:42
UPDATE OF THE JAPANESE-SINGING-EGGPLANTS UPDATE
Dave
The
song being played is by T.A.T.U, which was correctly stated earlier as being Russian. The lyrics to the song can be found here.
If you read along while watching The Eggplants it could be perhaps the strangest thing I have ever seen...but it makes perfect sense. Obviously the Russians and the Japanese have conspired to create The Bi-sexual Eggplant Supergroup (band name?). Although if these two were in on it...how bad could it be?
Just thought your readers would like to know.
Brad Buset


posted by Dave 11:23
GERMAN MYSTERY SOLVED

The case of the
eight--fingered gardener with the fairly small brain.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)
posted by Dave 11:09
CRIME OF THE CENTURY

Leech-smuggling.

(Thanks to Murray Alberts)
posted by Dave 11:06
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING VIAGRA

An Oklahoma
town changes its name. Actual story excerpt: "...it wasn't a hard decision..."

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Tactical Field Commander of the Dave Barry for President Runaway Bandwagon)
posted by Dave 11:02
SUPERHERO OF THE WEEK

It's...
Angle-Grinder Man!

(Thanks to many admiring people)
posted by Dave 10:56
ATTENTION, LOVERS OF FINE JEWELRY

Here's a
once-in-a-lifetime offer! OK, maybe twice in a lifetime. Maybe three times. Five, tops.

(Thanks to Alfred Wallace)
posted by Dave 10:49
ADVISORY TO TENNESSEE RESIDENTS

Do not
leave home.

Key quote: "If they were that confused, you'd think they could double-check."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 10:45
IMPORTANT REMINDARRRRRR

Friday is
Talk Like a Pirate Day.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Wheeler)
posted by Dave 10:42
JAPANESE SINGING EGGPLANTS UPDATE
Hi, Dave.
On Sept 13, you mentioned the
Japanese Singing Eggplants. I just looked at the site, and it changed my life. No it didn't. Shut up, Brian, it did! Okay, it drove me into instant schizophrenia.
The song they are singing isn't in Japanese. It's Russian. The title is something like "We Don't Have a Flame." It would be interesting to find out what all that Japanese on the screen is saying.
Cheers!
Brian Jones

posted by Dave 10:26
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastarrds are using
giant toilet lizards.

(Thanks to Sam Edwards)
posted by Dave 10:17
WHAT YOU NEED THIS MORNING

You need to watch a rockin' video of rockin' Leonard Nimoy signin' a
rockin' tune about hobbits.

(Thanks to Miguel Fliguer)
posted by Dave 10:10
THIS BLOG IS DEVASTATED

Meatshake is a hoax.

(Thanks to Josh Barro)
posted by Dave 10:05
Monday, September 15
A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Open-Crotch Pants

(Thanks to John Dodds, who notes: "Apparently, some people think that diapers don't have to actually contain anything.")
posted by Dave 16:30
IT'S ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

50,000 free sheep.

(Thanks to David Smith)
posted by Dave 14:06
ATTENTION, SPORTSPERSONS

Do not venture out without your
Carp Deflection Device.

(Thanks to Chet Ensign)
posted by Dave 13:21
ATTENTION, INVESTORS

Do not miss this opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a
surefire moneymaking business.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Devon Spaght)
posted by Dave 13:18
Sunday, September 14
J-LO AND BEN

It's
over! Is there NOTHING to believe in any more??
posted by Dave 12:45
TELEMARKETERS UPDATE

Hundreds of emails have been pouring in from people who missed the
original column and want the number of the American Teleservices Association. However, the number that was in that column has been disconnected, apparently as a result of the volume of calls to the ATA from people who were thrilled to have a chance to call the telemarketers back.

I got a few emails from telemarketers, who needless to say think I am vermin scum for trying to put them out of business, take away their jobs, etc. To them I say: First, I'm not calling you. The people calling you are your "customers," the people you call all the time. And they're not taking away your jobs; they're just doing what you do. If you think it's unpleasant to receive unwanted phone calls, hey, welcome to our world.
posted by Dave 12:33
Saturday, September 13
CONFUSED?

Sit back and allow
Japanese singing eggplants to clear everything up.

(Thanks to Mike Seidel)
posted by Dave 09:16
MEATSHAKE UPDATE

Nothing goes with a
MeatShake better than a nice steaming glass of Pork Nog.

(Thanks to Lisa White)
posted by Dave 09:11
Friday, September 12
EXCLUSIVE BACKSTAGE PHOTO!

Cher prepares for her show.

(Thanks again to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 17:34
SO THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE HIP-HOP

The secret is
yogurt.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 17:32
MORE TURKISH MEDICAL NEWS

They just have a peck of
impish fun over there.

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 17:30
HAPPY NEWS FROM TURKEY

We think she should name
it "Geraldo."

(Thanks to numerous people)
posted by Dave 17:24
CANADIAN POLITICS UPDATE

If
this charge is true, this candidate has OUR support.

(Thanks to Tim Watkins)
posted by Dave 17:03
CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

Sooner or later,
these two suspects will be stopped. Probably by a wall.

(Thanks to Vicky Ramage)
posted by Dave 16:58
CULINARY UPDATE

We don't know about you, but we sure could go for a...
MeatShake!

(Thanks to Leah Bach)
posted by Dave 16:42
ATTENTION, ROCHESTER, N.Y., RESIDENTS

Keep an eye on your
buildings.

Key quote: "When you’re looking for a Clifford Avenue address, you look for something on Clifford Avenue,” Stango said.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 15:41
ATTENTION, SAN ANTONIANS

Anybody
missing anything?

(Thanks again to Kay Thompson)
posted by Dave 13:37
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

Daring mission foiled by technical glitch.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)
posted by Dave 13:35
MEDICAL UPDATE

No sense in
taking chances.

(Thanks to whoever you are)
posted by Dave 12:54
WHAT THEY ARE NOT ADMITTING, BUT WHAT PROBABLY REALLY HAPPENED, WAS THAT A COUPLE OF GUYS WERE HANDLING THIS THING WHEN A WOMAN WITH A NICE SET OF ATTRIBUTES WALKED BY

Whoops.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)
posted by Dave 12:50
LEGAL UPDATE

It's the
Trial of the Century.

(Thanks again to The Oracle)
posted by Dave 09:59
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
brake shoes.

(Thanks to The Oracle)
posted by Dave 09:44
ENTER THE DATE INTO YOUR PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANTS, ME HEARTIES

One week to go until
Talk Like a Pirate Day.
posted by Dave 09:26
Thursday, September 11
FLORIDA MOTORIST UPDATE

This new driver will fit right in.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 15:52
ATTENTION, TRAVELERS WITH DOGS

Avoid
Cambodia.

(Thanks to Thomas Sallee)
posted by Dave 13:19
INSPIRATIONAL ART

This should be on the wall of every office.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 12:40
ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT WILL DISAPPOINT GUYS

Schwing.com

(Thanks to Cindy Reynolds)
posted by Dave 10:25
IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR OF A WILD BEAR BEING SHOT WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART AND FALLING ONTO A TRAMPOLINE AND BOUNCING WAY UP INTO THE AIR AND LANDING FACE-FIRST ON A LAWN

Make it
this one.

(Thanks to Chuck Mathias)
posted by Dave 10:23
EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This is practical AND tasteful.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)
posted by Dave 10:17
IOWA UPDATE

"You kids are going to the
mall again?"

(Thanks to Melinda Pollmeier)
posted by Dave 10:11
RELIGION UPDATE

When
he preaches, you listen.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)
posted by Dave 10:07
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, now they're saying
THIS is against the law?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:03
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
termites.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)
posted by Dave 10:00
BUBBA HO-TEP UPDATE
At work, I laughed so hard over the concept of this movie that my co-worker came over and wanted to see what I was so amused by. Apparently he and other major movie fans have been waiting to see this movie, that it is getting wonderful reviews, and that it is "beautiful in its originality." I am now deemed "too serious" and closed-minded" here in our department. Any suggestions on how to remove my "black sheep" label?
Chrysta

Maybe you could listen to some avant-garde music.
posted by Dave 09:56
TELEMARKETERS UPDATE

They think I'm
malicious. I am SO hurt.
posted by Dave 09:45
SEPTEMBER 11

We remember.
posted by Dave 09:41
Wednesday, September 10
A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Super Cow and the Huge Mollusks

(Thanks to Ben Studtmann)
posted by Dave 18:30
TOAD UPDATE

Maybe
they thought the sign said "Hopping Center." Har! Get it?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)
posted by Dave 15:27
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Maybe we could do
this here.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 14:54
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
dwarf kangaroos.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberluch)
posted by Dave 13:13
CINEMA UPDATE

Chris Miller says: "If you only see one Elvis-versus-the-Mummy movie this year, let it be
Bubba Ho-tep."
posted by Dave 12:52
WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME, "DAVE, IF YOU ARE ELECTED PRESIDENT, WHO WILL BE YOUR FIRST CABINET-LEVEL APPOINTMENT?"

I answer:
This man.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 12:44
CRIMEBUSTERS UPDATE

When
trays are outlawed, only outlaws will have trays.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)
posted by Dave 10:06
ATTENTION, MEN WHO SOMETIMES ARE NAKED NEAR DRAINS

Do not click
here.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 10:04
YET ANOTHER EMAIL FROM A BUSINESSMAN WITH BOXES OF CASH MONEY TO SHARE AND A BELIEVABLE STORY AND NO UNDERSTANDING OF HOW TO SHUT OFF THE "CAPS LOCK" KEY!

What are the odds? Give this man a shout:
RIGHT NOW ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS TO STAND BEFORE THE SECURITY COMPANY AND SIGN AS ONE OF THE EXPATRIATES TO ENABLE YOU CLAIM THE MONEY AND PAY IT INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AFTER YOU MUST HAVE CLAIM THE BOXES ( MONEY ) OUT OF THE SECURITY COMAPNY.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK-FREE AND THERE IS NOT HARM OR SCAM INVOLVE, FOR EVERY MACHINERIES HAS BEEN PUT IN PLACE FOR SUCCESSFUL AND SMOOTH CONCLUSION OF THIS MUTUAL TRANSACTION.AND PLEASE REMEMBER, THAT I HAVE WITH ME ALL THE NECESSARY VITAL DOCUMENTS THAT WILL PROVE AND PRESENT THAT THEMONEY BELONG FOR US.

I EXPECT YOU TO BE TRUSTWORTHY AND KIND ENOUGH TO KEEP MY OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY, WHEN THE MONEY FINALLY GETS TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I HEREBY AGREE TO COMPENSATE YOUR SINCERE AND CANDID EFFORT IN THIS REGARD WITH 25% OF THE FUND AFTER THE TRANSFER AND5% (PERCENT) WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR ANY EXPENSES BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL TRANSPORTATION,LIKE TELEPHONE BILLS AND ANY EXPENSES ETC. WILL BE SETTLED FROM THIS PERCENTAGE, WHILE 70% WILL BE FOR ME.

NOTE THAT THIS DEAL WILL BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) WORKING DAYS WITH YOUR FULL SUPPORT. I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU, AND SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF THIS PROPOSAL VIA MY E-MAIL AND PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PRIVATE HOME AND OFFICE TELEPHONE OR CELL PHONE NUMBER AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASIER COMMUNICATION ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION.

PRIVATE; E-MAIL; david2001@elvis.com
CALL ME ON MY CELL PHONE;+234-80-33235941,FOR MORE DETAILS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY.
MR.DAVID EVANS

posted by Dave 09:18
Tuesday, September 9
WHY WE LOVE RESEARCHERS

They are
easily excited.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 19:02
IT WAS PROBABLY MORE COMFORTABLE THAN COACH

Man ships self.

(Thanks to a vast teeming horde)
posted by Dave 18:56
FURTHER THOUGHTS ON YOKO

Karen Keffer writes: "Don't you think she would get further in her attempt at world peace if she just threatened to get naked? Along the lines of: 'Settle down now! Don't make me get naked!'"

posted by Dave 15:12
TRY TO IMAGINE HOW AWFUL I FEEL

The telemarketers are unhappy with me. Here's an excerpt from an
article in a direct-marketing newsletter:

Syndicated columnist Dave Barry's Aug. 31 article on telemarketers may have been in jest, but it's been no laughing matter to the American Teleservices Association, which blames the article for jamming up its toll-free number.
Barry's article, titled "Ask not what telemarketers can do to you" in the Miami Herald where it was originally published, included the ATA's toll-free telephone number and invited readers to call and "tell them what you think." Hundreds of newspapers also published the article, which was distributed by Tribune Media Services.

The article generated thousands of phone calls to the ATA number, said Tim Searcy, ATA executive director. As a result, the association switched the number, which it formerly answered live, to a voice recording. The recording advises callers that the organization is unable to take the call because of "overwhelming positive response to recent media" and asks that they leave a message.

Some of the calls were from people in the teleservices industry offering their support, he said. Others were negative, and some contained profanity.

The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him, Searcy said. The association first learned about the column when it received calls from fact checkers at about 100 newspapers checking whether the phone number was correct prior to printing the article.

Though meant as a prank, the Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA, Searcy said. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages


Gosh, that must have been awful! Imagine! Receiving unwanted phone calls! Without warning! How could anyone DO such a thing?

(Thanks for the heads-up to Rex Hammock)
posted by Dave 13:16
WHY THE ENGLISH NO LONGER RULE THE WORLD

They are
lost.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 12:45
SPEAKING OF GETTING NAKED

It's
Reflectoporn!

(Thanks to David Smith)
posted by Dave 12:41
GOOD POINT

With reference to
Yoko getting naked, William Cook states: "A friend of mine (Mat Bird) has pointed out that she is doing this in Paris. Aren't the French simply getting what's coming to them?"
posted by Dave 11:51
ZEVON

Here's a semi-obit, semi-column I wrote for today's Miami Herald.
posted by Dave 09:39
EXCELLENT, WORKABLE PLAN

Dear Dave:
I think anyone who receives an email like you did regarding the safe transfer of millions out of a Nigerian bank they should send that person the email, fax and phone of either their State or US Representative or Senator. We have a huge deficit in this country and I think that the commissions on these transactions could go a long way towards cutting it down. And based on the amount of emails people get with these types of offers, there must be billions in transfer fees out there! Not to mention that Congresspersons will probably be able to set up an efficient and confidential way to transfer the money, what with their connections and all.
Happy to do my patriotic duty,
Michael Riordan

posted by Dave 09:28
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to many alarmed people)
posted by Dave 09:19
AMERICAN TEENAGERS: DUMBER THAN ROCKS?

We report, you decide.

(Thanks to Scott Kiekbusch)
posted by Dave 09:18
GET THE NOBEL PRIZE READY

For
this achievement.

(Thanks to Tom Dombrock, and many others)
posted by Dave 09:15
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
lawnmower blades.

(Thanks to The Oracle, who notes: "Lawnmowers don't kill refrigerators; only outlawnmowers kill refrigerators")
posted by Dave 09:13
Monday, September 8
KEEP HIM IN YOUR HEART

Warren is gone.
posted by Dave 08:19
Sunday, September 7
ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The
Fruit-Eating Piranhas.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 17:54
WHAT KIND OF SICK, TWISTED PSYCHOPATH

Would deliberately
shoot an innocent banana?

(Thanks to the Oracle)
posted by Dave 17:51
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
magpies.

(Thanks to Kevin McNerney)
posted by Dave 12:32
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, is
everything illegal now?

(Thanks to Matt Gwilliam)
posted by Dave 12:24
SPORTS UPDATE

Dateline:
Beaver Falls

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 12:21
NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY UPDATE

We will do
anything to attract readers.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 12:18
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The
Blowing Euros

(Thanks to David Smith)
posted by Dave 12:11
Saturday, September 6
THIS BLOG DOES NOT SEE IT

Honor Missler contends there is a resemblance between the author of this blog and
this. Ha ha! That's ridiculous! Right? RIGHT??
posted by Dave 12:48
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY

This blog has received a nice email from a fellow who has two boxes containing 28 million dollars cash. He's looking to give this blog 20 percent! He concludes as follows:

I will transfer the ownership of the consignment /boxes containing the cash to you and issue you a power of attorney through my Lawyer. With these document you will claims to the money as my proxy from the asset management company in Europe. The entire operation is risk free since it is only you and me and my Lawyer that knows the details of the money after you must have taken the money to your country where it is save my lawyer will then meet you in your country to use my share of the money for investment. Bearing in mind that your assistance is needed to transfer this fund, I propose a commission of 20% (twenty percent) of the total sum to you for the expected services and assistance.
Your private fax and telephone numbers are needed to enhance the speedy conclusion of this transaction (our only hope in life now) urgently. Your urgent response via the above email address is highly needed so as to stop further contact. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extra ordinarily confidential whatever your decision while I await your prompt response. Our phone line both home and abroad are bugged. So don’t call me. I will always call you at my convenient time and in a conducive atmosphere.
Regards,
J. Rodney Chesson.
N.B. Please reply with above email address (jrches@rediffmail.com ).

It's almost too good to be true! But it must be true, because it has so many words. This blog's advice is, if you have a spare moment, drop J. Rodney a line and see if he has any money for YOU.

posted by Dave 12:39
HUMANITARIAN AID

Florida is airlifting an emergency shipment of 250,000 driver's licenses to
Ireland.
posted by Dave 12:28
Friday, September 5
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Are they serious? There's a law against
this?

(Thanks to Laurie White)

posted by Dave 20:17
YOU DID NOT READ THIS HERE

Karen Eutsler Little: "Do these pants make my butt look big, me hearties?"

posted by Dave 20:04
AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE

J. Donnely:
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out,
You put your right foot in and you shake it all about,
You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about, me hearties

posted by Dave 19:51
ABSOLUTELY THE LAST ONE

Jay Brodsky: "All your base are belong to us, me hearties."

posted by Dave 19:46
EMERGENCY EXCEPTION TO THE "NO MORE ME HEARTIES" RULE

Jeff Vandenberg suggests: "No, No, No, 'blow' is just an expression, me hearties."

posted by Dave 19:43
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, now
this is illegal?

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 19:27
MONTANA GOVERNOR DANCES NAKED!

Or
something like that. This blog is too busy deleting "me hearties" email to read the actual story.

(Thanks to many hearties)
posted by Dave 19:24
ENOUGH, ME HEARTIES

This blog is declaring a moratorium on "me hearties" quotes. Too much email. But thanks to all you hearties to took the time to get hearty.

posted by Dave 19:21
PRODICTIVITY UPDATE

You'll get a lot done
here, me hearties.

(Thanks to Jennifer)
posted by Dave 19:18
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
disco against baby turtles.

(Thanks to Tiffanie Luckett)
posted by Dave 19:13
GOOD QUESTION

Michael Riordan asks: "This Claire Martin person: Do we know what she does for a living? If anything?"

Claire is a professional journalist. So the answer is: No, we do not know.

posted by Dave 19:07
HEARTIES

From the Oracle:

Can ya hear me now, me hearties?
The dog ate my mother's toes, me hearties.
Frankly, me hearties, I don't give a damn.
Beam me up, me hearties.


From Shari Poteet:
Will you marry me, me hearty?


From RS:
It depends on what the meaning of "is" is, me hearties.
I did not have sex with that woman, me hearties.
I am not a crook, me hearties.
Read my lips, me hearties.


From Robyn Harris:
I've got that not-so-fresh feeling, me hearties!


From Lew Geer:
Everybody have fun tonight, everybody wang chung tonight, me hearties
All my exes live in Texas, me hearties
Its only a cold sore, me hearties!


From Jason Eastep:
Excuse me, but did you know your fly is open, me hearties?
Don't Bogart that joint, me hearties.
Move along, nothing to see here, me hearties.
First time caller, long time listener me hearties.
Bite me, me hearties.


From David Hedrick:
System has performed a fatal error and must be shut down, me hearties.
You've just won the Super Bowl, me hearties, what are you going to do now, me hearties?
I'm going to Disneyworld, me hearties.
Is that your final answer, me hearties?


posted by Dave 15:55
GARLOO UPDATE

If you're like most people, hardly a day goes by when you don't ask yourself: "Whatever happened to
Garloo? Did he have any kids?"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:41
MOTORIST OF THE WEEK

Here's
another person who will be receiving, by mail, a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Karl Grandt)
posted by Dave 09:28
HEARTIHOOD

Eric Jensen suggests:

I'm afraid the tumor is malignant, me hearties.
I want to rock and roll all night and party every day, me hearties.
I'm leaving you for your more attractive sister, me hearties.

posted by Dave 09:24
Thursday, September 4
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

Greta Methot suggests: "Does this look infected, me hearties?"

posted by Dave 19:15
STILL MORE

David Snair suggests
We find the defendant guilty, me hearties!
Twenty bucks, same as in town, me hearties!
I now pronounce you man and wife, me hearties!

posted by Dave 19:13
MORE HEARTINESS

Ted Habte-Gabr, vowel-impaired Field Coordinator for the
Dave Barry for President Surging Juggernaut, suggests:
Let's roll, me hearties
I feel your pain, me hearties
This is Nightline, me hearties
Shock and awe, me hearties
That is wild, wild stuff; I did not know that, me hearties
Have your bags been with you at all times, me hearties?
I need more cow bell, me hearties
IS THIS ON, me hearties?
Oops, I did it again, me hearties
What are you thinking, me hearties?
Fair and Balanced, me hearties
Briefs or boxers, me hearties?
Did you want fries with that, me hearties?
Pull my finger, me hearties
Go on gently, me hearties

posted by Dave 19:02
ME HEARTIES UPDATE

Michelle Megret suggests: "Voulez-vouz couchez avec moi ce soir, me hearties?"

posted by Dave 18:18
YET ANOTHER REASON WHY UPS DRIVERS ARE UNDERPAID

They never know for sure
what's in the box.

(Thanks to Bryan Littel)
posted by Dave 18:14
HOY, HOY UPDATE
Let me correct another Dan (McAloon) by pointing you to ahoyhoy.org, a web blog that uses the phrase coined by Alexander Graham Bell himself.  Blogger Jason Schilt talks about the term in his about page ( http://www.ahoyhoy.org/about.html)
--Dan "not McAloon" Gross


posted by Dave 18:09
ME HEARTIES UPDATE

Greg Lowe suggests: "I'm not wearing any underwear, me hearties."

posted by Dave 18:05
THE GROUND IS SWELLING

William Pepper writes:
I recently started a new webpage at http://atmosphereofglee.home.mchsi.com/ which has many purposes.  One of those is to get a firm grip on the pulse of the American public, hopefully without causing injury.
To that end, one of the things on that site is an informal poll, one of the questions to which is "Who should be elected president in 2004?"  I am proud to report to you that the results to date have YOU, Dave Barry, leading the pack (at least among the seven people who have so far responded to the poll) 
The breakdown went like this:
George Bush - 0
Howard Dean - 2 (29%)
John Edwards - 2 (29%)
Joe Lieberman - 0
John Kerry - 0
Dave Barry - 3 (43%)
That's a mandate if I ever saw one.  I wanted to share this information with you and also, to be honest, prevail upon you to publicize my site.  (If sucking up helps, let me just say that I have not one BUT TWO autographed Dave Barry books - and I carry them with me wherever I go.  I am also considering naming my first child - boy or girl - "Dave Barry")

Nice try, "William Pepper," but if you think it's THAT easy to get your site promoted here, the blog of a major presidential contender who could soon hold the fate of the entire world in his hands, you are correct, me hearties.

posted by Dave 17:48
ME HEARTIES UPDATE

Jerry Ash suggests:
-- "We report, you decide, me hearties!"
(Bite me, me hearties!)
-- "I write the songs that make the whole world sing, me hearties!"
-- "License and registration, me hearties!"
-- "Turn your head and cough, me hearties!"

Amy Snively suggests:
"Please pass your homework to the front of the room, me hearties!"
"Do you know how fast ye were going, me hearties?"
"The yellow zone is for loading and unloading only, me hearties!"
"I'm interested in applying for a position in your information technology department, me hearties!"

posted by Dave 17:39
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Roosters On Boosters

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)
posted by Dave 13:33
CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And trust this blog when it tells you that the manly male on your list does not want a tie. He wants
this.

(Thanks again to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:21
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

It's getting so a guy can't do
anything.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:18
HOW A GUY'S GUY REACTS TO A POTENTIALLY TRAUMATIC EVENT

Like
this.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 11:06
MAYBE NOW CONGRESS WILL COME TO ITS SENSES AND PASS LONG-OVERDUE LEGISLATION REQUIRING FIRECRACKERS TO CARRY A CLEARLY WORDED WARNING

It would say: "Do not
insert into buttocks."

(Thanks to numerous sick people)
posted by Dave 11:00
HOY, HOY?

Karen Eutsler Little sends
this link to a technology site discussing how Alexander Graham Bell thought people should answer his new invention, the pnone:
Dr. Bell himself wanted telephone calls to start with "Hoy, hoy!" Depending on whom you believe, Bell's preferred salutation was derived either from a Gaelic greeting (Bell was born in Scotland) or from the nautical term "Ahoy." (Fans of the TV show "The Simpsons" may have noticed that the character Mr. Burns, an old man whose vocabulary includes many obsolete words, always answers the telephone by saying "Ahoy-hoy.")



posted by Dave 08:16
PIRATE UPDATE
From Catherine Conner:
Bush for his next State of the Union address. Instead of "Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens..."
Maybe just: "Me hearties..."

posted by Dave 07:30
ZEVON REVIEW
Hi. I'm a college student who had no idea who Warren Zevon was, but on your reccomendation, I downloaded the whole CD. Then I went out and bought it. I haven't done paid money for a CD of any kind in two years. I think that just about says it all.
-Krissy.

posted by Dave 07:25
Wednesday, September 3
ART UPDATE

Most of us are way too stupid to understand complex artistic issues such as
this.

(Thanks to James Doy)
posted by Dave 22:15
GUY WITH DRILL BIT GOING THROUGH HIS ACTUAL ENTIRE HEAD

This blog is linking to
this only to stop people from urging this blog to link to it.

(Thanks to the population of North America)
posted by Dave 21:56
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
chihuahuas.

(Thanks to Gordon Phillips)
posted by Dave 21:53
TIP ON TALKING LIKE A PIRATE

Simply end every statement with the words "me hearties." For example:

-- "I'll have the number two combo with a diet Dr. Pepper, me hearties."

-- "Please bring your seat backs and tray tables to the full upright and locked position, me hearties."

And so on. You are encouraged to email this blog with suggested phrases that sound good when followed by "me hearties."

posted by Dave 21:46
AHOY

Talk Like a Pirate Day is fast approaching, and Dan McAloon (yes, "Dan McAloon") emails the following:
I would just like to point out that the original proposed telephone greeting was, in fact, "ahoy". I forget who proposed it, but it was probably Bell or a lawmaker of the time (for some reason, I get the feeling that it was one of the people commonly grouped into "founding fathers" despite the fact that they didn't found anything). I'll continue to research it to find the true facts if I can remember to do so (your chances are very slim), but if I do find a credible source (like a "fun facts" placemat), I'll email you again.

posted by Dave 21:42
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER CRAWL UNDER THE COVERS WITH A WHALE

It could get
ugly.

(Thanks to Beverly Bates)
posted by Dave 21:35
WOMAN OVERHEARD SPEAKING AT THE MIAMI AIRPORT THIS EVENING

"I went to school with girls and nuns my whole entire life. The first time I saw a man, I fainted."

posted by Dave 18:04
ANOTHER FUN CRAFT PROJECT

This is getting a
little scary.

(Thanks to Sarah Gowan)
posted by Dave 17:12
AT LAST, A REASON TO PLAY GOLF

You might witness an
emu attack.

(Thanks again to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:30
FUN CRAFT PROJECT OF THE WEEK

These are practical and fashionable!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 10:24
CRIMINAL MASTERMIND CAPTURED

Stroke of
bad luck foils brilliant plot.

(Thanks to Alan Sharp)
posted by Dave 09:44
WHY WE NEED SCOTTISH COMPUTER EXPERTS

Because they
enhance our world.

(Thanks again to Benjamin Studtmann)


posted by Dave 09:42
DEPARTMENT OF TOTALLY JUSTIFIABLE CRIMES

Since when is
this wrong?

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 09:34
YUM

Probably
these taste just like chicken.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 09:25
NORWEGIAN CRIME UPDATE

If
this is outlawed, there are going to be a LOT of outlaws.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:20
ZEVON REVIEW

Bob Holt writes:
I purchased Warren Zevon's CD the week it was released, and frankly, I was weeping by the time I heard cut number three, the cover of Bob Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door." I don't have much of a soul, but I have enough to appreciate a man of Warren Zevon's talents. This record is highly introspective, as it should be, but is by no means maudlin. There are good upbeat tracks here, including a great blues number which will rub you raw. Even your readers who are not Zevon fans will never regret this purchase.



posted by Dave 09:17
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The
Biochemically Intelligent Frogs
posted by Dave 09:14
ATTENTION, VIRGINIA RESIDENTS

Be
very afraid.
posted by Dave 09:11
Tuesday, September 2
COOL

As a youth, this blog would have killed to have a patron saint like
this.

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 16:43
CRIME UPDATE

This is exactly why we favor capital punishment for penguin thieves.

(Thanks to Jennifer Forman)
posted by Dave 16:40
ART UPDATE

Probably it would be too difficult for
this person to, like, get an actual job.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 14:01
WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

The good news is, this is an excellent time to take out a
long-term loan.

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)
posted by Dave 10:59
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
raccoons.

(Thanks to Jason Batchelor)
posted by Dave 09:27
OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY APPLICATION OF THE DAY SO FAR

OK, nobody can do
this.

(Thanks to Kristin Host)
posted by Dave 09:24
SAFE MOTORING UPDATE

Everybody involved in
this incident, including the dead people, will be mailed a Florida drivers' license.

(Thanks to Laurie White)
posted by Dave 09:22
SO CLOSE

Canada just barely fails in an attempt to become a
world power.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)
posted by Dave 09:20
ADVISORY TO PARENTS BRINGING SMALL CHILDREN TO FLORIDA

Be sure to
weight them down.

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:15
CULINARY UPDATE (DO NOT READ BEFORE BREAKFAST)

Whoever did
this also worked in the cafeteria at this blog's high school.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 09:13
Monday, September 1
SELF-TEST

OK, get
Warren Zevon's new CD. Now listen to it all the way through. When you get to the last song -- "Keep Me In Your Heart" -- check to see if you're weeping. If you're not, get treatment immediately, because you have no soul.
posted by Dave 18:20
NON-AMAZING HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

Well,
duh.

(Thanks to Glen Farmer)
posted by Dave 18:13
PHIL THE SORE VS. HEALTHY PENIS

This blog can't believe it missed this
probing Comedy Central report.
posted by Dave 15:49
TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using
minks.

(Thanks to Chris)
posted by Dave 15:01
FASCIST POLICE STATE UPDATE

Now the bastards are going after
Duck Girl.

(Thanks to Loreshdw)
posted by Dave 14:59
BARRY MANILOW UPDATE

B.M. may have had
cosmetic surgery. Not that it is any of this blog's business.
posted by Dave 13:23
EXTREMELY BAD TASTE ADVISORY

This blog would never in a million years link to
this, and if you want to avoid spending eternity in hell you should not go there and scroll down.

(Via Mr. Ken Layne, who has a fine musical CD out)
posted by Dave 10:52
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for the
Stressed Marine Hermaphrodites.

(Thanks to Ed Grether)
posted by Dave 09:16



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