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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

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Friday, October 31
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY
...to this motorist.
(Thanks to Kellye Fry)
posted by Dave 20:09
WELL, DUH
What did they think a giant pumpkin would want? Chardonnay?
(Thanks to Drew Harchick)
posted by Dave 19:29
BOTTOM LINE UPDATE
The Bottom Line’s fight is not yet over. As you may have heard, Bruce Springsteen and Mel Karmazin made significant contributions, along with Sirius Satellite Radio, to help save the club.
Unfortunately, The Bottom Line needs more money to negotiate with NYU and secure a new lease. It is a dire situation and to add insult to injury, NYU is asking for a 250% rent increase and demanding costly renovations. The Bottom Line has only managed to raise one third of the money it needs. It is imperative to get this money for The Bottom Line’s survival.
In his impassioned closing argument, The Bottom Line’s attorney Mark Alonso spoke for all of us when he asked the judge for a little more time before she made her ruling. Judge Recant asked,
“What would be the difference in making the decision today versus next week?”
“I need to raise the money to properly negotiate a lease with NYU,” Alonso replied. “Your Honor, I am a cynic and not a romantic, but this club is a special place, loved by millions of people, and I can see music fans around the world rallying to save it. We just need the time.”
If each of us comes forward and contributes what we can, we will save this venerated club. Just as in “It’s a Wonderful Life” when the town comes together to save George Bailey, we can come together to save The Bottom Line.
We need to act fast! Please contribute whatever you can, but contribute.
Please send a check or money order made out to “Save The Bottom Line”. Mail it to:
Save The Bottom Line
15 W. 4th Street
New York, NY 10012
Or you can contribute through PayPal at http://www.savethebottomline.com
Help by distributing this message to everyone you know and ask them to pass it on to everyone they know to keep the message circulating. We need to get momentum. The clock is ticking. The judge’s ruling may only be a week away. Please help.
Thank you,
-- Friends of The Bottom Line
posted by Dave 19:27
FLORIDA MOTORIST UPDATE
We are frankly surprised that anybody even noticed this motorist.
(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)
posted by Dave 19:22
PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
This is weirdly soothing.
(Thanks to Sean McGee)
posted by Dave 19:20
HAR!
There are no Halloween hijinks like United States Senate Halloween hijinks.
(Thanks to Nicole "Clown Nite" TWN)
posted by Dave 19:12
EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN STORIES
Including "The Cursed Bean," from the fine, twisted minds at Something Awful.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:44
PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
You weren't going to get much done today, anyway
(Thanks to Nelson Hickman)
posted by Dave 11:42
ATTENTION, PERVERTS
Do not mess with South Philly girls.
(Thanks to Dave Paul and Emily Anna "A Hymenal Mint Is" Smith)
posted by Dave 11:36
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
Finally, the authorities are cracking down on these criminals who fail to plant mums.
(Thanks to Ryan McKeon)
posted by Dave 10:24
FIVE-LEGGED DOG MAY BE REDUCED TO FOUR
Key quote: "When she heard of the animal, Dr. Rebecca Tudor, a veterinary surgeon affiliated with N.C. State University, was stumped."
(Thanks to Mark "Rank A Warm Loan" Alan Rowan)
UPDATE: Alert reader Garret Wood, who, unlike this blog, actually reads the stories linked to on this blog, points out that the plan is to reduce the total number of legs possessed by this dog, "Popcorn," from five to three.
posted by Dave 09:29
GOOD POINT
Have you noticed that the last few people to kindly include anagrams for their names have tried to be rather raunchy with them?
Ed "Hard Legend" Dahlgren
Mark "Anal Wank Armor" Alan Rowan
Dave "Cavies Turd" Curtis
Is must just be human nature to rearrange their name to the lowest common denominator.
-- Karen "Harem Stink" Smith
posted by Dave 09:26
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW
New York's transit system descends into anarchy when a man drops his cell phone into the worst possible place.
Key quote: "...firefighters used no less than three sets of power tools, including the jaws of life, to cut through the toilet..."
(Thanks to Susan Brown)
posted by Dave 09:06
ALARMING CANADIAN UPDATE
Things are going very, very wrong up there.
(Thanks to Robert Coller)
posted by Dave 09:02
WHAT YOU SHOULD BE FOR HALLOWEEN
You should be a vampire squid.
(Thanks to Emily Anna Smith)
posted by Dave 08:57
WHO SAYS THE AIRLINES ARE CUTTING BACK?
Look at the inflight snacks they have on Avianca.
posted by Dave 08:50
Thursday, October 30
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE
What, you're saying just because people have no feet, or are dead, they don't have a right to a podiatrist?
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 21:32
WHEN SANDWICHES ARE OUTLAWED
...only elderly Florida women will have sandwiches.
(Thanks to a great many people)
posted by Dave 18:18
MORE EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Check out these beauties, especially the very attractive rendition of Miss Lucille Ball.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 15:24
WHY WE NEED THE DEATH PENALTY
Because that is the only way to deter criminals such as this.
(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 14:36
ADVISORY
Do not attempt this at home, unless you wish to wind up looking like this.
(Thanks to JJ Meyerson)
posted by Dave 14:32
A NUMBER OF PEOPLE HAVE POINTED THIS OUT ABOUT THE EBAY PULSED PLASMA MOBILE HYDROGEN GENERATOR UPDATE
Those last cheap items were just COPIES of the patent. The big money auction is for the RIGHTS to the patent.
So it looks like it's a steal at 95 million dollars.
posted by Dave 14:21
ANOTHER REASON WHY WE LOVE AUSTRALIANS
They wire their balls.
(Thanks to Rick Newman)
posted by Dave 12:01
EBAY PULSED PLASMA MOBILE HYDROGEN GENERATOR UPDATE
If you look at the seller's last three auctions, the Pulsed Plasma Mobile Hydrogen Generator went for $16.50, $20.00, and $14.99. I guess he thinks demand has gone up.
-- Ryan "My Neon Rack" McKeon
posted by Dave 11:49
THOSE FASCIST BASTARDS
Now they want to take away our fundamental right to keep rattlesnakes in freezers.
(Thanks to Ryan McKeon)
posted by Dave 11:47
DANG
We paid full retail price for a Pulsed Plasma Mobile Hydrogen Generator, then we find one going for for only 95 million dollars on eBay.
(Thanks to Bob Phillips)
posted by Dave 09:40
OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
Dave, don't you just fricking well hate it when you accidentally click the right mouse-button on the copter game just as you're about to beat your own high score, causing that fricking popup menu to appear and sending the fricking helicopter crashing into the fricking cave wall for the umpteemth fricking time?
I know I fricking well do.
-- Dougie Henderson.
This fricking blog knows exactly what you are fricking talking about.
posted by Dave 09:24
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using exploding computers.
(Thanks to Ed "Hard Legend" Dahlgren)
posted by Dave 09:22
WHEN EMUS GO BAD
In Miami, this animal would have fit right in.
Key quote: "They can run up to 40 mph and deliver lethal blows with their feet."
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:14
JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE NEWS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE
You read a headline like this.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:12
HALLOWEEN IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS...
It's Punkin Chunkin time!
Key quote: "It's something to do."
(Thanks to 38 million people)
posted by Dave 09:08
NOW IT ALL BECOMES CLEAR
The Nigerians are actually Australian.
(Thanks to Dylan Kissane)
posted by Dave 09:07
SO THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH NEW JERSEY
Not enough goats.
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:05
WHY THE CIA IS SO GOOD AT FINDING STUFF OUT
"Please speak directly into the dragonfly."
(Thanks to Mark "Anal Wank Armor" Alan Rowan)
posted by Dave 08:58
ATTENTION, AIRLINE PASSENGERS
Please leave your hands at home. Thank you.
(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 08:55
WE WONDER IF THIS IS WHY WE KEEP HAVING TO BUY MORE BEER
Maybe there's somebody in the attic.
Key quote: "He noticed the cereal was running low and he couldn't understand."
(Thanks to Robert Coller)
posted by Dave 08:52
OUTRAGE
An Australian judge dismisses the lawsuit of a man injured while attempting to open a beer.
Key quote:"How much tuition does an ordinary Australian need in how to open a bottle of beer?"
(Thanks to Corn1ell)
posted by Dave 08:44
Wednesday, October 29
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using corpses.
(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 17:32
WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
Peter Jennings and Yoko Ono, together inside a giant black bag, undressing.
(Thanks to Mark Gregory)
posted by Dave 16:37
EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN CONCEPT
Billionaire masks. We especially like the Donald Trump model.
(Thanks to Brian Duval)
posted by Dave 15:30
URINAL PENNY UPDATE
I was going to try the urinal penny test at my work but I had no penny -- not even any worthless Canadian currency -- but fortunately someone had dropped one in the bathroom drain. It took a while but I managed to fish it out, wipe it off on my tie and place it (heads up, for luck) on the urinal. I'll let you know if anyone is gross enough to take it.
-- Dave "Cavies Turd" Curtis
Yes, keep us posted.
posted by Dave 14:49
TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE: NOW WE ARE TALKING
An even MORE practical approach would be to set up decoy trailer parks on Capitol Hill.
-- Mike DeCleene
posted by Dave 14:40
TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE
A more practical approach would be to set up decoy trailer parks in uninhabited areas to lure the tornadoes away from populated areas.
-- Ernie Gudath
posted by Dave 14:03
SOUTH DAKOTA ELECTED OFFICIALS: ON CRACK?
We report; you decide.
(Thanks to Ted Severson)
posted by Dave 12:24
ATTENTION, ROTTWEILERS
Do not mess with Minnesota women.
Key quote: "I yelled, 'Here, llamas!'"
(Thanks to Steve McGookin)
posted by Dave 11:54
TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE
If anyone has any doubts as to whether or not this man’s technique will work, they should view the demo – obviously he’s completed some serious, scientific testing, and documented it on his demo.
-- Steve Lancaster
posted by Dave 11:52
APOLOGY
Yesterday this blog had a snarky link to this work of art by Jason Salavon, who made composite portraits by averaging all the Playboy centerfolds for four decades. This seemed kind of a waste to this blog, because theoretically you're looking at all these naked women, but you can't actually see anything. So anyway, this blog got an email, actually several emails, from Jason Salavon, pointing out, politely, that this blog does not know squat about him or what he does, which is true, and since he seems to be a stand-up guy, standing up, this blog apologizes to him, and also envies him because he gets to look at zillions of Playboy centerfolds as a job.
posted by Dave 11:26
WE SEE NO REASON WHY THIS WOULD NOT WORK
An idea whose time has come: Tornado Fighters.
(Thanks to Vanessa Myers)
posted by Dave 10:12
ATTENTION, MEN OF THE MALE GENDER
Next time you need to travel, you might want to take a train.
(Thanks to Dave Paul)
posted by Dave 10:02
A FUN AND PRACTICAL GIFT IDEA FOR DAD
This year, give him porno pants.
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick, who apparently does nothing but scour the web for articles like this)
posted by Dave 09:54
CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE
Now they want to take away our fundamental right to cook duck heads in convenience-store microwave ovens.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:52
ATTENTION, MOTORISTS
Never bagpipe and drive.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:47
JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE FOR THE SECOND-PLACE NEW YORK YANKERS
...you read a tragic story like this.
(Thanks to Maggie Davis)
posted by Dave 09:44
PEACE IS AT HAND IN THE MIDDLE EAST
Soon there will be pigs on patrol.
(Thanks to HGR219 and Mark "Ra! Ra! A Lawn Monk!" Alan Rowan)
posted by Dave 09:34
ATTENTION, SOUTH FLORIDA MOTORISTS
Remember: Yield to ferries.
posted by Dave 09:28
Tuesday, October 28
SOMETIMES MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING
And sometimes it's not.
(Thanks to Bill Lodge)
posted by Dave 18:47
GOOD QUESTION
As I play the copter game for the umpteen millionth time (I can stop whenever I want!), I came up with a question. What kind of idiot knowingly flies a helicopter into a cave time and time again, knowing that there’s no way out and that he will crash and burn every time?
Then, I realized the answer was “me.”
Maybe we need to start a support group, “CA,” for “Copters Anonymous.”
In that vein, please keep me anonymous.
OK, Steve.
posted by Dave 17:36
WORKER PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
Here is an application that will enable you to make solid use of your cubicle time.
(Thanks to Skai Rusis)
posted by Dave 17:28
FORGET THE NOBEL PRIZE
There is no scientific honor like a bobblehead honor.
(Thanks to Honour McCann)
posted by Dave 17:05
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2038
Star Wars Urinal Cakes
(Thanks to tmpt8neyes)
posted by Dave 16:53
EVERYBODY IS WAITING FOR TWENTIES NOW
I don't know if you're still doing Urinal Penny updates or not, but when I was at my local mall over the week-end, a male friend of mine returned from the bathroom and said "The penny is now officially worth absolutely nothing!" When asked how he'd come to this conclusion, he said that there had been not one, but "a pile" of pennies in the urinal. Urinal pennies are everywhere!
-- Artemis "A Stormier Worm" Morrow
posted by Dave 16:39
EXCELLENT NAME FOR A SATURDAY-MORNING CARTOON SHOW
The Nasal Rangers
(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 16:30
ATTENTION, MOTORISTS
You can now take your Florida driver's license test online.
(Thanks to Brian Morgan)
posted by Dave 16:25
GOOD NAME FOR A HEAVY METAL BAND
Toxic Megacolon
(Thanks to Paul Hepworth)
posted by Dave 16:22
SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD
Researchers achieve an important breakthrough in our knowledge of spider dating.
Key quote: "Hebets painted the legs of male spiders either brown or black with nail polish..."
(Thanks to Tiffanie Luckett and Maggie Davis and Charlotte Buckey) (All women, we cannot help but note)
posted by Dave 16:18
BRITISH ART UPDATE
If Michelangelo were alive today, this would probably kill him.
(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 16:12
ATTENTION, MUSIC FANS
The world-famous Rock Bottom Remainders will be performing in Austin, Texas on Saturday, November 8. So if you love good music, you will not be there. But everybody else should try to make it.
posted by Dave 13:28
FINAL MR. SNAIL UPDATE, PROBABLY
My friend Gene Weingarten is a wonderfully funny columnist for the Washington Post, but he has one tragic flaw: He is a lifelong Yankees fan. Or so he appeared, until today, when he began his weekly chat with a sincere and heartfelt tribute to the Florida Marlins (you need read only the first few paragraphs, if you're busy). It must have been very difficult for Gene to print these words: I salute him for his courage and honesty, and welcome him to the Marlins' fold.
posted by Dave 12:58
IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US
You have a couple of drinks. Next thing you know, you're asking: I did what?
(Thanks to Russ Fletcher)
posted by Dave 11:16
CYBERGENEROSITY
I'll be the first to send a cyber-twenty to the cyber-urinal. Oh, hell, I think I'll send a cyber-$100.
-- Bob Hopf
posted by Dave 11:08
HUMANITARIAN UPDATE
Hey, give us enough beer, and you can take our kidneys, too.
(Thanks to numerous people)
posted by Dave 10:01
CRIME IN JAPAN
We are certain there is a perfectly logical explanation for this.
(Thanks to about 440 people)
posted by Dave 10:00
IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN: THE CYBERURINAL
Hey Dave! Long time listener (since I'm blind, the term "reader" doesn't quite fit), first time caller.
We've been watching and listening at work, with perhaps a bit too much interest, as the urinal penny discussion has unfolded. (No, we're not bored telemarketers; we're an agency for the blind.) When the amount of money shot up to $20 (the new $20 bills to be precise), frankly we became a little disturbed. We also followed the concerns of those who feared the spreading of germs. Putting all this together, we decided what the world needed was a cyberurinal, where people could feel free to leave money for someone to pick up, without geographic limitations, and without the fear of spreading germs. What a concept!
-- Brad Martin
posted by Dave 09:53
ATTENTION, AIRLINE PASSENGERS ON FLIGHTS OUT OF MIAMI
Watch out.
(Thanks to Glen Ford)
posted by Dave 09:23
ANOTHER EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Hopeless Teeth
(Thanks to Traffic Dude Eric Taylor)
posted by Dave 09:19
EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Give it up for... Jelling Vomit Absorbent. (See bottom of page)
(Thanks to LoneStriker, who credits alt.fan.cecil-adams)
posted by Dave 09:12
DISCO: STILL A FORCE OF EVIL?
We report; you decide.
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:08
TASTEFUL HOLIDAY GIFT CONCEPT
Nothing says "Happy Holidays, Tasteful Person!" like a Tramp Lamp.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Linda Anderson)
posted by Dave 09:05
WHOEVER SAYS CANADA IS A LAME COUNTRY
...better not challenge Canada to Rock, Paper Scissors.
(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 08:48
Monday, October 27
THANKS
To all the people who came out for the Herald Hunt. Thanks especially to the people who actually figured out how to solve it, thereby freeing the organizers to go drink beer.
posted by Dave 09:28
Sunday, October 26
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Thank you, Mr. Snail.
There will be no further blogging today because this blog is celebrating the World Series outcome, and participating in the world-famous Herald Hunt. Also of course observing the Sabbath.
posted by Dave 07:55
Saturday, October 25
NEW YORK YANKERS FANS IN ACTION
Like, get a life.
(Thanks to Mary "No harm, my fan!" Hofman)
posted by Dave 16:59
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using the sun.
(Thanks to Gretchen CS)
posted by Dave 16:45
SPORTSPERSONSHIP
When paintball guns are outlawed, only cheerleaders will have paintball guns.
(Thanks to Karin Dixon)
posted by Dave 16:42
CELEBRITY SIGHTING
You've answered one of the great mysteries of our time with your non-revealing swimsuit posting! Check out the third model on page 4 if you have ever wondered,"Whatever happened to Alec Baldwin?"
-- Lee "Stereo Elf" Foster
Alec has lost a little weight and is looking good.
posted by Dave 16:39
MR. SNAIL UPDATE
There is good reason to fear Mr. Snail.
(Thanks to Corey Wilson)
posted by Dave 16:37
HALLOWEEN UPDATE
Here are your Extreme Pumpkin competition winners.
(Thanks to Scott Jordan, proud creator of "Osama bin Lantern")
posted by Dave 16:31
SOUTH DAKOTA ELECTED OFFICIALS IN ACTION
We want this man to run for president.
(Thanks to Ted Severson)
posted by Dave 16:28
KNOW THE FACTS!
As far as this blog is concerned, in these uncertain times no citizen can afford to be ignorant regarding Stevie Nicks' astrological chart and karma.
(Thanks to Donny Kehoe)
posted by Dave 16:15
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Fish on Prozac
(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 16:10
OK! OK!
Roughly 278 million people have asked me to post this link about the guy on eBay selling his ex-wife's Beanie Babies.
(Thanks to roughly 278 million people)
posted by Dave 16:08
EDUCATIONAL UPDATE
Things appear to be going very smoothly in the South Allegheny, Pa., schools, other than the fact that classes were canceled after a school board member, angered that her husband had been arrested, allegedly struck the chief of police with her car.
Key quote: "Eugene 'Gino' Dozzi, 44, was arrested at the couple's home last night and charged with inciting South Allegheny High School students to engage in a food fight in the school cafeteria in April and supplying cigarettes to some of the students."
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 15:57
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
Finally, something is being done about crime.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 15:54
ATTENTION, SHARKS
Do not mess with Icelanders.
Key quote: "I know the people in that part of the world. They are really tough."
(Thanks to Mark "A la Rank Woman" Rowan)
posted by Dave 15:50
ATTENTION, MEN WHO NEED TO GET A VASECTOMY REVERSED
Here's your doctor.
(Thanks to Michael van Huystee)
posted by Dave 15:38
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using farting toy dogs.
(Thanks to Gordon "His Porn Doll Pig" Phillips and Catherine "In the Acne Corner" Conner)
posted by Dave 15:33
Friday, October 24
MEDIA UPDATE
People incessantly ask us: "Where can I get up-to-date news concerning rugs?" We direct those people here.
(Thanks to Jason Merritt)
posted by Dave 18:22
HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF THE WEEK
It's Kikkoman! Fight!
(Thanks to Paulo Orodveza)
posted by Dave 18:18
ATTENTION, MEN WHO LIKE TO LOOK AT WOMEN IN REVEALING BATHING SUITS
There is no reason whatsoever for you to click here. Seriously.
(Thanks to Thad Humphries)
posted by Dave 17:26
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using attack cows.
(Thanks to Tim Lindner)
posted by Dave 17:23
MR. SNAIL LOGO UPDATE
Now we are talking.
(Thanks to Andrew Kantor)
posted by Dave 17:17
UPDATE: HANSHIN TIGERS ACCESSORIES
Here is a way tasteful wedding dress.
(Thanks to Erik Love)
posted by Dave 17:13
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD LOOK GOOD WITH THAT OUTFIT?
Some nice shiny teeth.
(Thanks to Alison Moore and Tiffanie Luckett)
posted by Dave 17:11
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
Greeting cards for real guys.
(Thanks to William Cook)
posted by Dave 17:10
SPEAKING OF THE ARTS
Here is a fine arts-related headline.
(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)
posted by Dave 17:06
WHY BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED TO BE THE ARTS CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
Because of events such as this.
(Thanks to Tim Klevar)
posted by Dave 17:04
VIRGIN MARY UPDATE
She is now appearing in a tree stump.
(Thanks to HGR219)
posted by Dave 16:59
ATTENTION, VISITORS TO PINELLAS COUNTY, FLORIDA
If you commit public suicide, you are in trouble with the law.
(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 08:00
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using flesh-eating infections.
(Thanks to Mark Buckley)
posted by Dave 07:57
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Attention, Yankers: Are you feeling Mr. Snail?
posted by Dave 07:52
Thursday, October 23
TRULY BAD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Unless you're a Yankees fan.
(Thanks to Christopher "Cherished Trophy" Hyde)
posted by Dave 22:50
ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF CAMPBELL COUNTY
Keep an eye out.
Key excerpt: Monkey owner Jerome Love answered a summons at the Campbell County Sheriff's Department with his Macaque monkey 'Mugway.'"
(Thanks to Tim Ledford)
posted by Dave 22:27
GOOD NAME FOR A SIXTIES BRIT-INVASION ROCK BAND WITH MATCHING OUTFITS AND MAYBE ONE MINOR HIT
The Marmalade Rebellion
(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)
posted by Dave 14:27
IS DRUG USE STILL RAMPANT IN SAN FRANCISCO?
We report; you decide.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 14:24
WHEN PUMPKINS ARE OUTLAWED
...only outlaws will have pumpkins.
(Thanks to Stephanie Long, who is proud that this happened in her home town)
posted by Dave 13:46
"OFFICE SPACE" STAPLER CLARIFICATION
"Office Space" is indeed brilliant, but in actuality, Swingline never made a red stapler to begin with. A prop person spray-painted it red, and subsequent demand led them to make one for the first time. I believe the initial versions were released only in limited quantities, in case demand slowed.
See also: http://www.virtualstapler.com/office_space/
-- Katie
posted by Dave 13:42
ATTENTION, FANS OF THE HANSHIN TIGERS BASEBALL TEAM
Get yer High Tech Hanshin Tigers Toilet Seats.
(Thanks to Kumiko Iwamoto)
We understand the Yankees tried marketing a similar concept, but the toilets kept choking.
posted by Dave 13:36
YANKEE FLIPPER UPDATE
I used to work in a pet food and supply store up in Green Bay, WI when the Yankee Flipper came on the market. It was a kick seeing it on your blog again. I loved demonstrating it for people, especially elderly couples.
In a typical situation, the husband and wife would be fighting in our store while trying to choose a squirrel-proof bird feeder. The typical husband would be concocting devious schemes, like electrifying the feeder or staking it out with his air rifle. The typical wife would hit him with her purse and accuse him of being a blood-thirsty ogre of some sort. (I suppose that with our men off battling the Hun, blood-thirsty ogres didn't look half bad to the ladies of the 1940s.)
The Flipper was a pretty easy sell to couples like these. The husband was satisfied because his enemy was worse than dead; he was humiliated and tossed from his perch like so much perch. (This makes sense when you consider my background in competitive fish-tossing.) The wife loved it because it was cute and humane, as humane as frantic squirrel rotation can be.
There really is no purpose to this ranting, just something to amuse you and pass five minutes. I'm working on my career as a professional humorist; should I have just stuck with tossing perch?
-- Tony Mayer
posted by Dave 13:32
RESEARCHERS DISCOVER ASTOUNDING FACT ABOUT SPAM EMAIL
Whoever would have predicted this?
(Thanks to Mac)
posted by Dave 13:29
TRULY GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESS UNDERSECRETARY HISTORY
It is going to be very hard for any press undersecretary to top this.
(Thanks to Andy Williams)
posted by Dave 13:26
URGENTLY NEEDED INTERNET SITE OF THE DAY
We have gone far too long without this.
(Thanks to Lisa Gibson)
posted by Dave 13:23
STAPLER AD EXPLAINED
Dave,
I'm sure I'm not the first to point this out to you, but the "back by popular demand" comment in the stapler ad copy is due to the cult popularity of the movie, "Office Space." The legend is that Swingline had discontinued making the red model, but after the movie came out, the request for the red swingline used by Morton were enough to cause them to bring it back.
-- Tom
Somehow this blog missed that movie.
UPDATE
Tom incorrectly stated that "Morton" was the name of the character from the movie. It was actually "Milton". Before Office Space, Milton was a short cartoon featured on SNL and created by Mike Judge of Beavis and Butthead fame.
-- Adam Endwright
posted by Dave 13:13
REMINDER TO SMART BUT VAGUELY DISTURBED INDIVIDUALS
The Hunt is coming.
posted by Dave 11:17
MAJOR STRIDE FORWARD FOR EDUCATION
Educators have come up with an important new phrase for "trailers."
(Thanks to John Stoner)
posted by Dave 11:13
ADVERTISING UPDATE
When people tell us that nobody is writing inspirational, hard-hitting descriptions of staplers any more, we laugh and direct them here.
(Thanks to Jon Alperin)
posted by Dave 11:09
WHEN TRICYCLES ARE OUTLAWED
Only outlaws will have tricycles.
(Thanks to Ryan Bowley)
posted by Dave 11:06
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using llamas.
(Thanks to David Smith)
posted by Dave 11:05
UPDATE: COLLEGE STUDENTS
You will be relieved to know they are debating the issues.
(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)
posted by Dave 11:02
MR. SNAIL UPDATE
Here he is.
-- sookeyjane
We don't think so.
posted by Dave 10:53
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using chimpanzees.
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:32
GOOD NAME FOR A HORROR MOVIE
Attack of the Giant Undersea Death Farts
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:29
DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING
It's time to Name That Beard.
(Thanks to Jennifer Jones)
posted by Dave 10:28
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Yesss.
posted by Dave 10:22
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
The Meat Ants
(Thanks to bcr)
posted by Dave 00:18
URINAL CURRENCY UPDATE
Hey Dave, just wanted to let you know that it's not just pennies that disappear from urinals. The new $20 bills seem to be just as popular.
-- Alan Hestings
posted by Dave 00:15
Wednesday, October 22
BLOGGING ADVISORY
Blogging will be light today because this blog has to do a bunch of stuff, such as produce hardcore factual journalism about the World Freaking Series.
posted by Dave 08:56
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Ha ha! The Yankers are falling right into Mr. Snail's trap.
posted by Dave 08:51
Tuesday, October 21
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Go, Mr. Snail! Fight!
posted by Dave 14:49
ATTENTION, LIVE-MUSIC FANS
I'm not sure if you, or your many readers, are aware but New York's legendary Bottom Line is facing eviction at the hands of its landlord, my alma mater, NYU. Due to a lagging economy here in NYC the club had been having hard times and fell behind in rent.
Luckily the back rent has been taken care of, but in order for The Bottom Line to stay in business they need a new lease at a fair market rent, something NYU has been reluctant to offer. Both parties are due back in court on Thursday and things aren't looking good.
In the interest of preserving one of the best places to hear live music in our city and the history it holds, a few of us who care about the club are trying to let music fans all over the world know about the mistake NYU is about to make. A few supporters of the club set up a website and a petition. At my request they also set up a petition for NYU grads (the people they keep asking for money). Armed with little more than cable modems and a love of rock & roll we've gotten a few thousand people all over the world to sign. And when I say all over I mean Sweden and every state but North Dakota among other places.
Because of the near sacredness of the space, I thought your blog readers would have a vested interest in seeing the club survive. After all it was at the Bottom Line years ago that an earnest young man and his guitar backed by a band of misfits and romantics captivated a crowd of hundred(s) in one of the early, myth making dates of his storied career. That man's name is Dave. His band, The Rock Bottom Remainders.
Of course there have been other great shows at The Bottom Line; Miles Davis, The Ramones, Warren Zevon and this guy from New Jersey. Actually the guy from New Jersey just issued a statement supporting the club and urging a solution that will allow the club to remain in business. That's great and all, but I think we need someone a little bigger, with more pull, to save this historic place. After all if we lose The Bottom Line we not only lose a club but we might also lose the chance to experience the next Rock Bottom Remainders.
Even a brief mention of this issue and a link to the petition http://www.savethebottomline.com could make a huge difference in the club's survival.
Not to be pushy or anything, but the court date is Thursday, so if you could post it like, now, that would be great. (That was supposed to be sort of funny but also serious. Did it work?) And in case you know any NYU alum's I've attached the letter I've been sending to them. Please pass it along.
Thanks for you time and your help,
Back to the wastebasket game you've hooked me on,
-- Jeff Lang
The Bottom Line is a GREAT place. Even if they did let the Remainders play there.
posted by Dave 14:26
POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR WHY DOGS ARE SUDDENLY SHOOTING PEOPLE
Maybe they heard about this.
(Thanks to Mike "Oil Me Knee" Leone)
posted by Dave 14:18
UPDATE: DOGS WITH GUNS
Coincidence? Do not make this blog laugh.
Key name in story: "Juan Evangelista Poot"
(Thanks to Brendan Byrne)
posted by Dave 12:37
SCIENCES LURCHES FORWARD
Researchers have determined that men who have been drinking think that women look better, whereas women who've been drinking do not think that men look better.
To which this blog responds: Duh.
(Thanks to Anna Louise)
posted by Dave 10:54
OK, FORGET THE WORLD SERIES
The Rock-Paper-Scissors World Championships are being held in Toronto.
Key quote: "Many tickets are still available.:
(Thanks to Mark Congdon)
posted by Dave 09:22
WHEN GUNS ARE OUTLAWED
...only dogs will have guns.
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:21
ATTENTION, TRAVELERS FLYING COACH ON AIR MALAWI
Stay out of the Business Class toilet.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:16
LARGE ASTEROID HEADED DIRECTLY FOR EARTH
No, wait, that is incorrect. But the Hunt is coming.
posted by Dave 09:08
OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
Many workers are enhancing their output via this application.
(Thanks to many workers)
posted by Dave 09:05
Monday, October 20
HOW GUYS DO WINTERS SPORTS
Like this.
(Thanks to Chris Miller)
posted by Dave 18:19
DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING
Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof woof, woof woof
(Thanks to nine skillion zillion readers)
posted by Dave 18:16
I AM ACTUALLY A 78-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
Following up on Realtor photos:
In a similar vein, what's with newspaper columnists including their (usually out of date) pictures with their columns? I have to wonder just how much ink is used in a year to carry these. If they got rid of these pictures, there could easily be another 10 or 15 words in each column about how much the Yankees suck and people should give hockey a chance during the week.
-- Mike Orlando
Give hockey a chance to what?
posted by Dave 18:09
THE BAD-DRIVER WORLD SERIES
Maybe this has been said before, but i just realized the unifying factor of this World Series: No one with half a brain wants to be anywhere near the traffic when the games let out. This World Series has succeeded in combining the two worst sets of drivers in the world in it's fans: New Yorkers and Floridians. It's only a matter of time before some poor Marlins fan on his way home from a game and in the left lane of I-95 doing 40 with his turn signal on is run down by a Yankees fan doing "Warp 7" and is surprised that an accident occurred because, after all, "He should have heard me coming, I've been leaning on my horn for the past mile and a half."
Just an observation.
-- Daniel "Nude Klan, Hi!" Kuhn (or possibly "Unkind Heal")
posted by Dave 18:06
LACROSSE UPDATE
Seems to me they have it all wrong. Lacrosse = Oral secs.
-- Kip Sundquist
posted by Dave 18:01
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
I'm sure it will not surprise anyone to learn that "George M. Steinbrenner" can be rearranged to form "Teen men bris engorger."
-- J.J. "Jet R. Leg Jr." Gertler
posted by Dave 13:04
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are smuggling pudding.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 12:35
YANKEES FAN WEIGHS IN
I need to say that not 'everybody' hates the Yankees. I live in Baton Rouge and I don't hate them at all. They are my favorite team. I really do not understand this irrational hatred of the most successful team in baseball. I have to believe it just comes to jealousy of 26 Championships in the past 100 years. Anybody out there got a better reason to hate the Yankees than 'Steinbrenner sucks'?
And the Cubs are my favorite NL team. At least I was spared the decision on who to pull for when 'your Marlins' beat 'my Cubs'.
-- DIXIEGLO
Wait a minute: What's wrong with "Steinbrenner sucks," as a reason?
posted by Dave 12:02
MR. SNAIL BOARD
As a Seattle resident, and lifelong Mariners fan, I am of course rooting for Mr. Snail in the World Series.
I have even gone so far as to purchase a couple of "rally snails" for luck during the Fall Classic. However, they do require special care that I was not aware of when I bought them.
Thought I would share this website for other "newbie" fans of Mr. Snail who just jumped on the bandwagon.
Sincerely,
Tom "Toned Worm" Downer
Seattle, Wa.
posted by Dave 10:33
IF IT HAD BEEN BARRY MANILOW, SHE MIGHT HAVE KILLED HERSELF
Next time, we bet this woman will use ear plugs.
(Thanks to Kelli Kirkle)
posted by Dave 10:25
A PRODUCT THAT DID NOT TURN OUT TO BE WHAT WE HAD HOPED
The Yankee Flipper
(Thanks to The Oracle)
posted by Dave 10:24
OK, YOU SUGGEST IT TO HIM
The Marlins have a pitcher called Penny? Anyone nick-named him "Urinal" yet?
-- Adam "Anna had ham" Hannah
posted by Dave 10:21
MR. SNAIL UPDATE
Now this is what we call a manly snail.
Key science terms: "love dart" and "penis fencing."
(Thanks to Marlo Dianne)
posted by Dave 09:47
THE LAST POST (WE ARE HOPING) ON URINAL PENNIES
Because we are morons, a number of us were discussing the "urinal penny" phenomenon tonight at a party and someone pointed out the ugly reality that, once it's left the urinal, there's no way to distinguish a urinal penny from a non-urinal penny. Therefore, I believe we have to assume that any and all pennies in our possession could have been, at one time, urinal pennies. We are, all of us, unclean.
On the brigher side, however, now there's really no reason NOT to take a urinal penny, since you're pocket could well be full of them already.
-- Joe Rhodes
posted by Dave 09:44
YET ANOTHER REASON WHY WE LOVE AUSTRALIANS
They have to be warned not to eat slugs.
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton, Bob Hopf, John O'Connor and Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 09:38
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Dang.
posted by Dave 09:36
Sunday, October 19
FORGET FOOTBALL
For a really tough sport, you can't beat cricket.
posted by Dave 21:29
GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS JOURNALISM
I used to be the editor of a trade magazine for insurance people. (Don't laugh.) In October 2000 I wrote an editor's note as I thought of how much I hated The Team That Shall Not Be Named. Needless to say, I couldn't come right out and curse That Team in a magazine about insurance, so I did the next best thing: I used the first letter in each paragraph of my editor's note (it's still online to let my feelings be known). Obviously, no one has ever noticed it.
-- Andrew "A Known Retard?" Kantor
posted by Dave 19:29
ORIGIN OF "YANKEE"
Thank you to the many people who have sent in explanations for the word "Yankee." There are a number of variations, but the consensus is that "Yankee" means either "Spawn of Satan," or "Hoosier."
posted by Dave 16:13
COINCIDENCE? WE THINK NOT
QUEBEC CANADA = BAD CACA QUEEN
(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 16:08
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using garages.
(Thanks to Derryl Murphy)
posted by Dave 16:06
MANLY SNAIL LOCATED
This has potential.
(Thanks to r.ubbish)
posted by Dave 16:01
WORD QUESTION
Would you be able to find out the derivation of the word YANKEE? Where did it come from?
I seem to remember something from the Danish and something about cheese...
I would really appreciate knowing, as would everyone else in the world.
Thank you,
-- Madeline
Our understanding is that it means "Quebec."
posted by Dave 10:07
REALTOR PHOTOS EXPLAINED
I think the reason that realtors feature their faces so prominently in ads is that they are of the opinion that they are beautiful people, and that customers trust beautiful people to pick beautiful houses. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a movie star in a rusty, rundown shack? And when was the last time you saw a horribly ugly person living in a humongous mansion? Well, other than Michael Jackson.
-- Dan "No Dang Ink" Koning
UPDATE: For the record, Dan is the inventor of the "Mr. Snail" concept.
posted by Dave 10:02
"HITLER-LOVING PUPPY KICKERS?"
I have three equally important points regarding lines of discussion in your blog:
First off, your blog looks incredibly screwed up in the Linux version of Mozilla, but everything looks screwed up when using Linux. It's specifically to drive people away. If everyone used it, it would lose its geeky mystique.
Second, go Mr. Snail. Not because I like the team at all, I don't even like the sport, I just hate the Yankees above all else on principle. If the Series was between the New York Yankees and the Iraqi Hitler-Loving Puppy-Kickers, I'd be at the pound in steel-toed boots showing my support.
And finally, as much as I'd love to join in the urinal penny experiment, my dorm has coed bathrooms. This presents many possibilities, but it also doesn't have urinals, and as pointed out there's not much you can do with a toilet. Unless you have any ideas...
-- Danny "[insert clever anagram here]" Willis
posted by Dave 09:56
ANOTHER RALLY SNAIL CANDIDATE
I think Mike Seidel's idea about the rally snail is terrific, but I'd rather see them use this one. As you have a young daughter, you may recognize him as SpongeBob SquarePants' pet, Gary, who meows like a kitten. In addition to his snail-ness, Gary also lives underwater, which makes him perfectly suited to serve as the mascot for a bunch of fish.
-- Shannon O'Connor
We dunno. Gary doesn't seem very... manly.
posted by Dave 09:53
LACROSSE FIGHTS BACK
As a student at the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse and a very nearly lifelong resident of the City of LaCrosse, which incidentally plays host to the world’s second largest Oktoberfest celebration, this certainly caught my attention.
Stealing an idea another student had after I told him of this news story, I am launching a campaign to introduce the word Quebec as a slang term for diarrhea.
I consulted Dr. Ronald Glass, who teaches my Philosophy of Language class, and he said I need to find a “language innovator” with wide appeal who can interject a new meaning for the word into common usage. My first thought was Snoop Doggy Dog, who seems to create minimum of one new slang word every time he forms a sentence, but this does not strike me as the sort of cause he might support.
Then I remembered the blatant abuse of wide appeal you utilized in popularizing speak like a Pirate day, and I realized that you may quite well possess great potential as a language innovator.
So Dave, I am asking you to join my cause to introduce Quebec as a slang term for diarrhea in the English language. I am open to other words that Quebec might be made slang for, but I like the possibility of the sentence ‘Those burritos gave me explosive Quebec”.
Valedictory,
-- Mark Owen “Wanker Moons John” Johnson
posted by Dave 09:45
"MOZILLA" UPDATE: NORMAL HUMANS NEED NOT READ THIS
With the tech support discussion going on, I thought I'd chip in my unwelcome two-cents' worth. Happily using Mozilla Firebird on this end, and I noticed that there is some font weirdness (nothing too annoying, mind you). It looks like it'd be easily fixed if someone were to change the CSS rule for .post to apply to blockquote, as well (see below). That being said, please keep the workplace distractions coming.
Regards,
Justin "Curt Anus Jig" Gruca
(weird technical things follow)
We will pass that along to Technical Support, who will probably give us a snippy answer, as is her wont.
posted by Dave 09:38
MR. SNAIL LOGO
I went ahead and created the new logo for Mr. Snail. But after all the hard work I realized, much to my chagrin, while saving the file as mrsnail.jpg, that there is not an anagramical difference between Mr. Snail and Mrs. Nail. This is a huge setback to the entire men's lib movement.
-- Bryce "Bye, Sir Clown" Wilson
Is that an antenna on his head? Or is Mr. Snail just glad to see her?
posted by Dave 09:34
WE HAVE WONDERED THIS OURSELVES
What is it about real estate agents that possess them to plaster their pictures all over everything? There must be a regulation that their business cards always display a head shot. Worse are the newspaper ads that contain a dozen pictures of the agents and just a few small shots of the real estate. I was looking at a few of the links you included: all agent, no real estate. Do these folk have an identity problem?
-- Phil Serfass
Maybe it's because they are, as a group, so darned attractive.
posted by Dave 09:31
BIG BASEBALL FAN WEIGHS IN
Now, could you please hurry up and win the next three so that the TV will stop pre-empting stuff that I, and approximately 295 million other Americans, might actually watch? Thank you.
Wait a minute, the World Series is on Fox, isn't it? Never mind.
-- Mike Billips
posted by Dave 09:29
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Go, Mr. Snail. Fight!
posted by Dave 09:26
Saturday, October 18
SATISFIED MOZILLA MAN
I wanted to let you know that I'm using Mozilla 1.2.1 and I'm experiencing no font weirdness, though I did on an earlier version. Also, returning to your page takes me right back to where I was -- no scrolling necessary. In fact, things are going quite nicely for me in general. I hope things work out for the rest of your readers at some point.
-- Michael "All Chew Limes" Wells
This blog is pulling for them.
posted by Dave 18:15
THE SEATTLE PERSPECTIVE
Why is it that "expansion" (A Pennis Ox) teams like the Marlins get to go to the Big Time, but real teams can't make it?
I live in Seattle, and as such have a great distaste for the Skankees. My dad does too. We have a shrine set up in our living room to the Anti-Yankee god. It's that bad. Under no circumstances will we be yankees fans. Ever.
To the point: My dad is so mad at the Marlins for "not being a real team" that (I swear I am not making this up) he's going to root for the Yanks.
Sincerely,
Matt Bowers
We assume he also hates the Seattle Mariners.
posted by Dave 18:08
MR. SNAIL MASCOT CONCEPT
I think the idea of a Mr. Snail rally monkey is wonderful. In fact, the folks who make Beanie Babies already have a snail, although it doesn't look very "Mr." But slap =a tiny Marlins cap on it and color it turquoise, and you're good to go.
-- Mike Seidel
By the way, you should inform "Sue Ray" that her name can be rearranged to spell "Ya, sure."
If you mean this, this blog has some strong reservations.
posted by Dave 18:05
A SOUTHERN VIEW
I am looking forward to this World Series so much that have already pre-programmed my VCR to record every Carolina Panthers game until the Super Bowl.
Now, If we could get some WORLD into the World Series, it might be different.
For example, if we could get a series between the Osama Bombardiers and the 82nd Airborne, that best of seven would have me glued to the set like a 72 day old randomly flicked booger.
We could let the series be in New York. Imagine the reception the visiting team would get. It would make Rockers' look like a cocktail party at a bathhouse.
Sorry, but the 2003 series holds about as much interest for a North Carolina homeboy as a Yankee fish fry. Who ever gets their filet fried, would be alright by this Rebel. Could someone pass the tartar sauce and a long neck beer?
-- Carson "Carson Cockman" Cockman
posted by Dave 17:58
WE'RE NOT SURE IF WE WANT TO GO HERE
I've been reading about this urinal penny experiment in your blog, and I feel left out. Being a female, I cannot participate in this educational (and mildly disturbing) endeavor. I realize this may be a small step in the field of equal rights, but it's one that I am willing to take. Do you have any suggestions as to where women could put these pennies? Or, since I'm *sure* you've never been in a women's bathroom, perhaps my fellow female blog-readers can help me? The only place that comes to mind is on top of the sanitary napkins disposal bin. I am eager to try this out at my university, but I'll be sure not to use quarters. If I did, even I put the quarters directly in the toilet bowl, they would be gone before I left the bathroom. Quarters are like gold to us.
Your loyal reader,
-- Catherine "Nectarine Thuds" Sundt
posted by Dave 17:47
CUBS FAN WEIGHS IN
Who the heck is Mr. Snail? Can you hear the Fox Sports executives groaning? That big swallow you hear is the loss of revenue. No one outside of NYC and Florida is going to watch this World Series. I am a Cubs fan, but I may have watched if the Red Sox had made it. Now that neither team is in, I will be watching the NHL.
Take care
-- Sue Ray
OK, Sue! Try not to interfere with the puck!
posted by Dave 11:09
RESPONSE FROM THIS BLOG'S TECHNICAL SUPPORT DEPARTMENT, JUDI SMITH
you might suggest to the blog-impaired dave tibbets he right-click on the links and choose "open in new window." yes, this is a frightening new task for him to master, but once he does (in six to eight weeks), he will no longer suffer from excessive scrolling needs.
p.s. while you're at it, would you please tell all the mozilla guys to stop bitching about how weird the blog looks in mozilla? and the rss-feed guys to stop complaining about having to manually check the blog to see if there are new entries? and all the opera guys to.... well, you get the idea. just tell all the guys to stop!! unless they're cute.
-- judi
This blog personally reads this blog in "Mozilla" (at least, this blog thinks that's what it is) and has these words of consolation for you Mozilla users out there who dislike the random font changes: Deal with it. Thank you.
posted by Dave 10:45
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Give it up for... The Rectal Swabs.
(Thanks to Gary "Rangy Raver" Varner)
posted by Dave 09:38
UPDATE: YANKERS FANS
Do you really think anybody outside of New York (not including Queens, where they root for the Mets to just lose and get over with it) will be rooting for the Yankees? No team in the major leagues is more hated than the Yankees. That includes the Expos, who are so loved by their city that they almost moved them to (gasp) Florida. I just want to let you Florida people know that as soon the Yankees won last night, the world became fans of Mr. Snail. Of course, had the Red Sox won, Mr. Snail would be about as liked as much as a urinal penny.
-- Bernie Langer
A lot of people seem to like urinal pennies.
posted by Dave 09:35
SOMEBODY SHOULD GET RIGHT ON THIS
Does anybody else think Mr. Snail should be the Marlins’ version of a rally monkey?
-- Rick “Micro-yak” Moya
posted by Dave 09:32
WE BET THEY DO
According to this story, about a device that scans prison inmates for weapons, manual body-cavity searches often cause "very serious friction between inmates and staff."
(Thanks to Mike Leone)
posted by Dave 09:28
READER COMPLAINT
Dave, I confess, I have become addicted to the BLOG! Only problem, when I follow a link and return, I get dumped at the TOP of the BLOG, which means I have to search downwards to find where I left off reading! I also am a SLASHDOT.com fan, and a New Scientist.com fan, but they don't have that Problem!
-- Dave Tibbets
And all this laborious scrolling down -- it's keeping you from... what?
posted by Dave 09:25
"LA CROSSE" UPDATE
I was disturbed to learn from your blog that Buick is renaming its "LaCrosse" automobile because the word is slang for masturbation in Quebec. I played lacrosse for many years, and now that I know this I am overwhelmed by the double entendres. Hell, I played box lacrosse. I spent hours breaking in my lacrosse stick. I had to get stiches following a lacrosse injury. Lacrosse is Canada's national sport, for God's sake!
Now, what do you suppose "lawn darts" means in Quebec?
-- Tim Watkins ("A Mink Twist")
British Columbia, Canada
posted by Dave 09:19
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
Go, Mr. Snail! Defeat the Yankers! Fight!
posted by Dave 09:16
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using toilets.
(Thanks to r.ubbish)
posted by Dave 09:15
Friday, October 17
SCIENTIFIC SCIENCE FACTS, FROM A SCIENTIST, ABOUT URINAL PENNIES
After reading all the comments about the urinal pennies, it seemed to me that some people were worried about some sort of bacterial contamination from a penny found on a urinal. Being a grad student in microbiology, I felt that it is my public duty to inform people that nothing could be further from the truth. Urine is actually sterile and has some properties that are harmful to bacterial growth. Only in the rare case of a urinal tract infection would bacteria be found in the urine. Additionally, U.S. coins are all composed of a copper alloy, and copper has been shown to kill bacteria. So any penny found on a urinal should be as bacteria-free as one in your pocket. However, poo contains lots of bacteria, so no way would I be touching a toilet penny.
--Chris "he crows hi" Howe
posted by Dave 16:18
A BETTER RETURN THAN THE STOCK MARKET
The Urinal Penny test at my office produced some rather interesting results. I placed the penny around 2pm and then promptly forgot about it. I remembered on my way out of the office at 7pm and discovered, to my confusion, that there were now four pennies on the urinal! Either the thirty or so guys on my floor ALL read your blog or we've got something very strange happening in our restrooms.
-- Lee Foster
posted by Dave 15:13
WAGER OFFER
In response to Sandra (dung radar is zero) Rodriguez: What does she do for a living that she has time to peruse such sites as the honorable blog? I wager she's a telemarketer and is waiting until dinner time to actually do her job. In fact, I'll bet these 18 pennies I found on the urinal. Any takers?
-- David (lewd vodka sin) Knowles
We're not shaking hands on it.
posted by Dave 15:06
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
We got yer update right here.
posted by Dave 14:17
JOURNALISM UPDATE
Back in the late '80s, a reporter friend of mine found an AP story with this line: "A White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to comment."
-- Greg Richter
posted by Dave 14:04
WORLD FREAKING SERIES UPDATE
When people ask me: "Do the National League Champion Florida Marlins have an official fight song?" I answer: Heck, yes.
posted by Dave 13:46
YOU DID NOT READ THIS ON THIS BLOG
Here is your confidential White House update. Key quote:
Bush told his senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official who asked that his name not be used.
(Thanks to Michael DiCola)
posted by Dave 13:41
WE ARE DEFINITELY WINDING DOWN NOW
This could be the last one.
(Thanks to Jill Sammons)
posted by Dave 13:38
NOT TOO MANY MORE, WE PROMISE
After this one.
(Thanks to Mike Seidel)
posted by Dave 13:05
ON THE OTHER HAND
...some people might see a crude double meaning in this.
(Thanks to Eric Taylor)
posted by Dave 12:50
REAL ESTATE UPDATE
OK, we defy you to find a crude double meaning in this.
(Thanks to Steve Richardson)
posted by Dave 12:48
CONCERNED READER
all right...I am just curious. Are people seriously surfing the web for names with crude double meanings? I mean, don't these people have jobs they should be doing? I hope none of them are cops, or medics or firefighters...then we'd all be in a whole heap of trouble...
-- Sandra Rodriguez
Don't worry! Most of them are Air Traffic Controllers,
posted by Dave 12:46
ANOTHER STRONG REAL-ESTATE CONTENDER
...right here.
(Thanks to Roy Klementsen)
posted by Dave 12:43
WHEN URINAL-PENNY EXPERIMENTS GO BAD
Following my own recent experience, I thought I'd better point out one small flaw in the whole 'urinal penny' experiment. I've seen a lot of submissions from people testing this out in their offices and various places of work. I too have been trying this out with what I thought was a high degree of success. 5 pennies, all gone, each within half an hour of having left them. The last time I was coming out of the bathroom, I said hi to the cleaner who was going in, and wandered off to do more mundane tasks ie the stuff I get paid for. Then I get an email. My boss has received a message from the cleaning staff that I am continually leaving 'items' (they used that word too, just to make it look like I'm leaving sex toys or even Tim Spooneybarger in there) in the bathroom that they are then having to remove. Cue mucho embarassment and 5 (count 'em) lost pennies. I just wanted to relate this to offer an explanation for at least some of those lost office pennies. Feel for my shame.
-- Nick (Lick Freon) Rolfe
posted by Dave 12:39
ANOTHER VERY STRONG CONTENDER
...for real-estate person of the day.
(Thanks to Leah "ah, bleach" Bach)
posted by Dave 11:35
GOOD POINT, ABOUT THE FRENCH JUDGE (see below)
Now we know how justice became blind.
-- J.J. Gertler
posted by Dave 11:31
TWO STRONG NEW CONTENDERS FOR REAL-ESTATE PERSON OF THE DAY
We have this one, and we have this one.
(Thanks to Judi Smith, whose name can be rearranged to spell "Yes, I would have carnal relations with Pudge Rodriguez")
posted by Dave 11:09
TIP FOR RESEARCHERS
If you want your urinal pennies to move, make sure you put them heads up. In a controlled experiment involving two floors in my building, the heads up penny was taken quicker than a tails up (unlucky) penny. But then again, how lucky can you be with a bacteria-filled heads up penny in your pants.
-- Chris "Our Porch, Sir?" Puorro
posted by Dave 10:00
REAL ESTATE PERSON OF THE DAY
At last, a challenger for Gaye Males.
(Thanks to Jodey Elsner)
posted by Dave 09:55
WORLD'S STUPIDEST CRIMINAL LOCATED
...in Elkhart, Indiana.
(Thanks to John De Souza)
posted by Dave 09:52
CONSIDER IT DONE
Only you have the power to make this happen: We need a Red Sox vs. Cubs game this fall to determine 3rd and 4th place.
-- Andrew Baca
posted by Dave 09:49
ESCALATION
I, along with the rest of the nation, have taken it upon myself to place change in the restroom, but I took it one step further. I put some Super-Glue on a quarter and dropped the quarter onto the restroom floor right by the urinal. As I finished my urinal duties, I stood on the quarter to assure that it would indeed stick to the floor. When I returned about an hour later, someone had actually picked it up.
I wish I would've walked in while the guy was kneeling down on the bathroom floor with his head just inches away from the urinal, trying to pry a glued quarter from the floor.
-- Eric Taylor
Do you work anywhere near Donald Trump?
posted by Dave 08:36
FRENCH JUDICIARY UPDATE
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"No!"
(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 08:31
ATTENTION, NEW YORK YANKERS FANS
Before you come to our baseball park, please read this. Thank you.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 08:29
GOOD POINT ABOUT THE TIGER ATTACK ON ROY
The negative, of course, would be the injuries sustained by Roy. The positive would have to be that I finally figured out which one is Roy.
-- Jen Adaire
posted by Dave 08:26
SERIES UPDATE
It was obviously going to be a Yankees Marlins Series, because that clearly can be rearranged to spell "IRS eyes Sri Lanka semen," which frankly is just something that we've all come to expect from them.
-- Tony Sams
posted by Dave 08:23
NEW YORK YANKERS UPDATE
If you rearrange the letters in "Derek Jeter," you can spell "Yankees suck"
You should be able to anyway.
-- Colin McCluney
posted by Dave 08:20
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GET GOOD DRUGS IN NEW MEXICO?
Imagine what these people are smoking.
(Thanmks to Marlo "Anal Minored" Dianne)
posted by Dave 08:19
HOME EXPERIMENT
I had just started my own penny project at home when I read Bryce Wilson's note about unintended consequences. I don't have a urinal at home so I put a penny on the top of the toilet. Since I was not planning on taking the pennies myself and I only live with my wife, Bryce made me think about how I might feel if my wife actually started taking the pennies. I aborted the test and put the penny back in the jar. How am I supposed to feel now that I am the one who actually took the penny in my own test?
-- Michael van Huystee
We don't know... pretty stupid?
posted by Dave 08:16
MARLINS UPDATE
Bring on the New York Yankers. Mr. Snail is waiting.
posted by Dave 08:14
Thursday, October 16
YOU'RE WELCOME!
Sometimes you just don't think about the harm your shenanigans may cause others. I've begun the penny experiment here at the radio station where I work. There are only 6 male employees. Of those, 3 of us are regular readers of your blog and are thus in the know. Less than an hour after putting the penny down on the urinal, it is gone. Furthermore, I've been able to pinpoint the perp. Because I've monitored the situation closely and because he was the only other male in the area at the time, I know it was him. But see, I like this guy and respect him too. I'm feeling a little guilty about the whole thing. Should I approach him about his problem? Should I put more money there in case he needs it? Should I see if he'll grab it off the pink soap in the urinal? I'm at a loss. This is all your fault, Dave. What if this poor man gets germs in his pocket? Thanks for nothing, jerk.
-- Bryce Wilson
posted by Dave 15:57
EXCELLENT QUESTION
Was the Kit Kat bar wrapped?
-- Margaret Davis (Air rad TV games)
posted by Dave 15:21
IT'S JUST SO SAD
Top Reasons Cubs Fans Can Go On:
10. We won't have to look at that pitcher who looks like he's got a hamster
clinging to his chin.
9. We can continue calling the Cubs "The Lovable Losers."
8. Everyone at the water cooler can act smart saying, "Yeah, I knew it was
all over in the 8th inning of the 6th."
7. We can stop trying to figure out when the last meaningful Cub win was.
6. Baseball fever in Chicago is just plain unnatural in October.
5. We can now devote our full attention to the Bulls.
4. We can still dream about a subway series between the Cubs and the White
Sox.
3. We can expand our horizons and become Pirates fans.
2. Heartbroken fans don't loot much.
1. No problem getting Cubs tickets next year!
Cubbies in '04!
-- Sarah (Show an Arse) Owens
posted by Dave 15:19
URINAL CANDY UPDATE
Well, SURE they will take a Kit Kat, but will they take a Baby Ruth?
-- Patrick Vickers
posted by Dave 15:14
TERRORISM UPDATE
DATELINE, DEFUNIAK SPRINGS: Now the bastards are using emus.
(Thanks to Brendan Byrne)
posted by Dave 14:12
EWWWW
I have been reading about the urinal penny and thought I would give it a try at work. I work for a large financial services company and after a couple days of experimentation it became apparent that coins were not enough of an incentive to get people to take money away from a urinal. We thought we would try food. We placed a Kit Kat bar on the back of the urinal. Less than an hour later it was gone. Now we just need to figure out who would eat the urinal candy.
-- Kevin Nay
posted by Dave 12:15
GAYE MALES UPDATE
I feel it's my duty to report that Paul McCartney works with Gaye Males.
-- Adam Hannah (And Ha Ha Man)
posted by Dave 12:12
ANOTHER DRIVER WHO WOULD BE MORE THAN WELCOME IN FLORIDA
We do not deduct points for minor lapses such as this.
(Thanks to Ernie Gudath)
UPDATE: Brad Buset notes that this story has actually been blogged on this blog twice. This blog regrets the error and asks the driver involved to please return one of her two Florida driver's licenses.
posted by Dave 12:09
AUTOMOTIVE UPDATE
Rumor has it that if you drive this car too much, you go blind.
(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 11:26
CORRECTION TO BUTTERED SHOES
We bet there are some red faces at the Associated Press over this egregious blunder.
(Thanks to Anna Louise)
posted by Dave 11:24
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Get Moon Pies, Barry.
(Thanks to Mark S. Walsh)
posted by Dave 11:21
A GIANT SCIENTIFIC LEAP FORWARD
...in the vital field of dwarf vegetables.
(Thanks to Gerald "the penny was removed by the cleaning staff" Reece)
posted by Dave 10:10
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM "EUROS"
In an effort to take truly inane trends to the international level, I recently bribed a gentleman in Paris into placing the Euro equivalent of a penny on top of a urinal in the Paris Nord train station. He returned 10 minutes later to find the coin gone.
I believe this proves the economy in France is in far worse shape than in the United States. I hold out hope that in some contorted fashion, this will help improve American/French relations. Urinals for brotherhood!
-- Kate Forgach, Souillac, France
posted by Dave 10:02
EXCLUSIVE, GRAPHIC VIDEO OF THE TIGER ATTACK ON ROY
Please do not allow children to view this.
(Thanks to Jeff Bliss)
posted by Dave 09:59
SOMEBODY SHOULD LOOK INTO THIS
Is it me, or are people hypercorrecting more and more by pronouncing the 'l' in 'calm'?
-- Michael "Not 'Mike'" Brown
Also in "clam."
posted by Dave 09:57
ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE AUSTRALIA
For your telemarketing project, I thought you might be interested in what is happening about telemarketers in Australia.
-- Anna Louise
p.s. Victoria is a state of Australia, where the main occupation of the locals in the winter is watching big muscular men playing tough Australian Rules football without protective clothing. In the summer the main occupation of the locals is daydreaming about watching big muscular men playing tough Australian Rules football without protective clothing.
posted by Dave 09:52
HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
This about sums it all up.
(Thanks again to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:49
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using ground coffee.
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:47
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND A SET OF CLUBS, ARE ON THEIR WAY TO
...this man.
(Thanks to Corinne A. Marasco and Michael van Huystee)
posted by Dave 09:46
QUESTION
Who are these "Merlins", or "Marlins" or "Mylars" or whatever(s) you keep talking about????
-- Bob Coller
Ask somebody from Chicago.
posted by Dave 09:44
HOW TO WIN A WOMAN'S HEART
My girlfriend's name, when rearranged, can spell "Canine Rat Head." This will be my new pet name for her.
-- Alan "No, Leper Santa!" Peterson
posted by Dave 09:38
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE
Is anybody missing a doughnut-shaped purple frog with a pointy snout? Because it has been found.
(Thanks and ribbit to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:34
Wednesday, October 15
MARLINS UPDATE
Deal with it: Mr. Snail goes to the Big Show.
posted by Dave 23:27
OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
I have also been experimenting with the urinal penny here in my office. The penny has remained atop the urinal for one entire day, so far. I have noticed that it has moved twice, as if someone had reflexively touched it, then changed their mind about picking it up. What is this phobia about the sanitary condition of the top of the urinal? Ours is easily four feet off the floor. Iwould need a step ladder to get urine up there. (At least by conventional means.)
-- Gerald (Caged Reeler) Reece
posted by Dave 15:40
OH YEAH?
I’ve started a urinal penny experiment here at my work in Rolling Meadows, IL. But I think there’s a point of confusion. The pennies are to go on TOP of the urinal? What’s the fun in that? Who wouldn’t take a perfectly sanitary “top of the urinal” penny? No, I suggest something far more interesting. I want to see who will take a penny out of the urinal itself.
Marlins fans, probably.
-- Don “Cubs in 7” Pleccor
Oh, really, Don? Last night it sure looked like Cubs fans are the ones who stick their hands where they don't belong.
posted by Dave 13:55
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using mosquito traps.
(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 13:52
NEW ISSUES RAISED
I have 2 questions:
Question # 1. What denomination of coin would be necessary before someone would pick it off of the urinal cake itself?
Question # 2. In any of these tests, do the spitters and leaners do more picking than the rest of us?
I think the answers are a quarter, and yes.
-- Steve Indorf
posted by Dave 13:50
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Smite a Bony Groper
(Thanks to James Keay)
posted by Dave 13:48
URINAL PENNY LOCATED
You can let Russ Rizzo know that I was, indeed, at the rugby party at the Armory in Boone, NC, and that I have not yet spent his penny. I currently have it in a safe place.
-- Peter Van Schoick
posted by Dave 13:46
ATTENTION, SMART BUT QUASI-INSANE PEOPLE
The Herald Hunt is coming.
posted by Dave 12:35
WE COULD ALL DONATE OUR URINAL PENNIES
...to this worthy cause.
(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 09:53
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS IN THE MAIL TO...
...this man.
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:45
THIS BLOG DOES NOT SEE ANYTHING AMUSING
...about this headline.
(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 09:32
NO THANKS
Thai man sleeps with the centipedes.
(Thanks to "r.ubbish," who points out that the man's name, "Boontawee Siengwong," is an anagram for "one big sewage wonton.")
posted by Dave 09:20
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Give it up for The Transgenic Pigs.
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:16
THEATER UPDATE
We see Madonna in this role
(Thanks to Laurie White, and, as it turns out, many others)
posted by Dave 09:14
EWWW
Our school is collecting pennies for a charity project.
Now that I know that where whole hordes of pennies seem to be making themselves at home, I think I'll be suggesting that parents write a check instead.
-- JoAnn Brereton
posted by Dave 09:12
THIS BLOG DID NOT KNOW THIS
Are you aware that in England, a euphemism for going to use a public toilet is "going to spend a penny"?
-- Lewy Olfson (Follow Yens)
"Follow Yens?"
posted by Dave 09:10
SOCIAL NOTE FROM NEW JERSEY
When garter rituals go bad....
(Thanks to the Oracle, who states, quote, "voobah")
posted by Dave 09:07
Tuesday, October 14
THIS IS DEEPLY MOVING
Well, Dave, it looks like it sure is a small world after all. If Peter Van Schoick who piped in earlier today about the penny test indeed took a penny from a urinal at a rugby party in Boone, NC, on Saturday night, he did take my penny. We'll have to ask him. While we're at it, I'd like to know if he spent it.
-- Russ Rizzo
posted by Dave 22:55
MARLINS UPDATE
Do not be counting out Mr. Snail. Thank you.
posted by Dave 22:50
BRITISH PARENTS: DUMBER THAN BAKING SODA?
We report; you decide.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 19:46
OK, BUT THIS IS REALLY THE LAST ONE
Ms. Bare Pony Goiter
(Thanks to Alan "Neat seal porn" Peterson)
posted by Dave 19:43
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF THIS BLOG
You seem like a pretty happening guy, so maybe you can explain why the U.S. Mint finds it necessary to advertise money. I've seen several TV commercials for it lately. Why do they need to promote money? It isn't like there's an alternative, such as trading pelts or goats or something. And it isn't as if there's competing currency in the U.S. or anything. I don't get it. It's like the postal service promoting themselves. Um, how else would we mail something? Smoke signals?
Sincerely,
-- Erin Armknecht, whose name can be arranged to spell "archer men knit" and "crank their men," both of which are pretty lame.
posted by Dave 19:41
ATTENTION, TRAVELERS
Stay out of Switzerland.
(Thanks to John Bishop)
posted by Dave 19:39
WE SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE, UNLESS THE MARLINS WIN (WHICH THEY WILL)
On bare grimy poets
I sop my great boner
Beg any poor mister
Obey pigs, ram toner
Rip men to rages, boy
Yes, rage, brim no top
I grab money or pets
Or gain my beer. Stop.
Next week, Nomar Garciaparra.
Cheers,
-- JJ Gertler
posted by Dave 19:36
GOOD POINT
We can put to rest the whole issue of why it's done in one simple, straightforward reason: "Hey! Free penny!"
No one ever said we guys weren't idiots.
-- Eric Jensen
posted by Dave 19:34
AND EXACTLY WHERE IS THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE"?
I recently found out, through a free magnet I got as part of, I presume, a marketing ploy, that the Just My Size clothing company (i.e. clothing for the larger human) is owned by Sara Lee (i.e. the company that makes all that food that is responsible for the largeness of many said humans). Talk about a self-perpetuating company; I wish I'd thought of that.
-- Meghan "Hang My Cake" Kacy
posted by Dave 19:32
UPDATE
Spit My Goober Near
(Thanks to James Keay)
posted by Dave 19:30
THE PUZZLE PIECES ARE COMING TOGETHER
This weekend, at a party in North Carolina, I took a penny off a urinal, partly because I was amused by the stories from your blog, and partly because I was too drunk to find the uriflusher. Maybe the reader who emailed about his personal penny test was at the same party -- is there any way too investigate this? I was at a party in Boone, NC.
-- Peter Van Schoick
The "uriflusher"?
posted by Dave 19:23
THE SITUATION IN CANADA
I tested the penny theory at Jim Bob's (IBM Jobs) in London, Ontario. Not once, not twice, but thrice I returned to the bathroom to find a penny gone. I further advanced the theory by twice leaving a phone number written on a napkin on top of the urinal, with the name "Alex" and four stars beside it. It disappeared both times and although I have yet to check with my friend whose number it was, but I'd imagine he got some strange phone calls. Also, I doubt he is my friend anymore.
-- Brad "ABSURD BET" Buset
And Canadian pennies are even more worthless.
posted by Dave 16:12
FURTHER PROOF THAT WOMEN HAVE LARGER BRAINS
I attempted to test Russ Rizzo's hypothesis regarding Midwesterners and urinal pennies, but after placing my penny I was unable to return to the restroom to check the status. I kept getting escorted out by guys who apparently have a problem with a woman inspecting their urinals. So, to avoid any further incidents, I decided to see how my own gender would deal with a penny on the toilet. Just as I suspected, the penny has been there for over four hours now. No one wants anything to do with it, which is kind of surprising because I'm at a university and most of us here REALLY need the money. So, I have concluded that we women will do everything in our power to avoid touching any and all parts of a public toilet even when there is money involved. I know that I personally put down a layer of toilet paper on the seat so thick that when I sit down I can see over the top of the stall, and my foot gets flushing duty because NO WAY am I touching that thing with my hand. By the way, no one took any of the pennies on the ground either. Why were there pennies on the ground? Well, I wasn't going to risk touching the toilet, so I had to toss pennies until one actually landed on it.
-- Kristy Helton
posted by Dave 16:08
UPDATE
Tag me poon, ye rib!
(Thanks to Tiffanie Luckett, who adds "Go Cubs," which we assume is a typographical error that was meant to say "Go Marlins.")
posted by Dave 15:23
UPDATE
Tympani boogers
(Thanks to Judi "Go Marlins, especially Pudge" Smith)
posted by Dave 14:27
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Tiny bear-poo germs.
(Thanks to Andrew Reay)
posted by Dave 14:16
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Probe my seat, Ringo.
(Thanks to J.J. Gertler)
posted by Dave 13:47
DISGRUNTLED READER
It has come to the attention of many of your readers (and when I say "many," I mean "me") that you have had an unusually high number of retractions connected with your recent coverage of anagrams.
I would wholeheartedly urge you (and when I say "wholeheartedly urge," I mean "I really would love to see my message appear on your blog") you to tighten your journalistic standards, lest we forget the lessons taught us by the unfortunate case of Jayson Blair, whose name can be rearranged to spell "Ajar by Loins," "Jail Yon Bras," "Join a Sly Bra," "Snail Jar Boy," (not to be confused with Ghost-in-a-Jar-Boy), or perhaps even "Ipswich Clams."
I think I've made my point. Whatever it is.
-- Chris Rund
Who are you accusing of having journalistic standards?
posted by Dave 12:49
THIS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A MAJOR NATIONAL TREND
Twice this weekend I found pennies perched atop urinals here in New Mexico. The first was Friday evening at a Santa Fe grocery store, the second Saturday afternoon at an Albuquerque Chinese restaurant. I assume we have you to blame.
In case you're wondering, I resisted the urge to take them.
-- Sean Engelin
posted by Dave 12:47
THIS BLOG CERTAINLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE REFERRING TO
Is it juvenile of me to see a double meaning in this news photo?
--John Dodds
posted by Dave 12:43
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Bosom type rearing.
(Thanks to Elizabeth)
posted by Dave 12:42
URINAL PENNY UPDATE
I conducted my own Penny Test last Thursday at Mad Anthony's in Fort Wayne, Indiana. In five trips to the bathroom, I invested five cents. The penny was gone each time I returned. The fact that this is a semi-artsy place frequented by art students and starving musicians may have skewed the results a bit, so I'll be repeating the test next week, the week after, and every week that I have enough change to do so without cutting into my beer money.
-- Dan Frioli
posted by Dave 12:38
ATTENTION, MEN (ESPECIALLY MARIJUANA USERS)
Drink coffee! It will perk up your sperm.
(Thanks to Bob Hopf)
posted by Dave 12:35
SUMO ROBOT UPDATE
Matt Valentine asks: "If YOU built a sumo robot, where would you put the on/off switch? (see picture).
posted by Dave 10:27
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using crows.
(Thanks to Laurie White)
posted by Dave 10:24
URINAL PENNY INVESTIGATION CONTINUES
Curiosity got the best of me at a party this weekend and I did the urinal-penny test I read about on your site. Since I have somewhat of a life, I only tested it twice. Both times the penny was gone the next time I returned. I'm in North Carolina and wonder if there's a regional component to this. For some reason I think Midwesterners would be less likely to take a penny from a urinal than us southerners. Can we test this hypothesis?
-- Russ Rizzo
posted by Dave 09:38
TIM SPOONEYBARGER UPDATE
Type, Sir Boogerman.
(Thanks to Steve Richardson)
posted by Dave 09:35
SECRET OF BRITISH CUISINE REVEALED
They sit in the beans.
(Thanks to "r.ubbish," who notes that "baked beans" is an anagram for "naked babes")
posted by Dave 09:31
WELL, DUH
Scientists announce another amazing discovery.
(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 09:29
BUT CAN THEY MAKE REALLY BAD MOVIES?
Presenting: martial-arts robots.
(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 09:27
ANOTHER FLAW FOUND
As a native of Kitchener, Ontario (motto: "Gaye Males Welcomed Here") I would like to draw your attention to the fact that "Eric Stoner" has two occurrences of the letter "R", and "erections" only has one "R." I would also like to point out that the letters of Mr. Stoner's name also spell "tire censor" and "ice snorter."
By the way, did you know that Kitchener, Ontario is home to the second-largest Oktoberfest celebration in the world? During the week-long festival held during the month of -- are you sitting down? -- OCTOBER, way more than 203,800 tourists come to Kitchener and imbibe vast quantities of a certain malted beverage that when spelled backwards says "reeb." (But it's not minty.)
-- Jeff Sutton
posted by Dave 09:24
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