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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

FLATULENT HERRING UPDATE

When I wrote about wind-breaking herring, I had no idea that they were already a force in bicycle racing.

(Thanks to Larry New)
posted by Dave 15:22

MIKE ZLOTNICK UPDATE

In response to the question from Karen Eutsler Little about whether this is the Mike Zlotnick, Mike Zlotnick emails as follows: "This is the real Mike Zlotnick."

We hope that clears everything up, although we seriously doubt it.
posted by Dave 12:50

WHAT EVERY BOY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

He wants a Pope Innocent III action figure.

(Thanks to Colin McCluney)
posted by Dave 10:07

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using elves.

(Thanks to Michael Brown)
posted by Dave 10:04

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this alert motorist.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
posted by Dave 10:02

WHY THE HELL NOT?

Kinky Friedman for governor.

(Thanks to Gabe Weintraub and John Stoner)
posted by Dave 09:47

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE ON TRIAL IN WAYNE COUNTY, NORTH CAROLINA

Your jurors are going to be in a bad mood.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:41

PSSST... WANT TO TALK DIRTY TO AN INJURED MANATEE?

Or something like that. The important thing is, it's toll-free.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)
posted by Dave 09:34

ALERT READERS WANT TO KNOW

...if this Mike Zlotnick is the Mike Zlotnick.

(Thanks to Karen Eutsler Little)

For the record: This blog does not know the answer. (To this, or anything else.)
posted by Dave 09:30

NOTHING SAYS "EAT MY AORTA"

...like an anatomocally correct chocolate heart.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 11:28

WHEN WOMEN OF THE FEMALE GENDER ASK THIS BLOG WHAT IS THE SECRET TO FINDING TRUE HAPPINESS DESPITE MAJOR LIFE OBSTACLES

...this blog answers: fake hair color.

(Thanks to Brooke)
posted by Dave 11:16

EMAIL OF THE DAY

Dear Portal Administration!
I have recently come across your site and liked it very much. I suppose that the visitors of our resources belong to the same social group and my site could be useful for your  audience so I suggest to exchange our links.
This will help both of us to increase Link-Popularity and accordingly get top positions in many searching system, Google for instance. If you are interested in our offer, would you please visit the web-page of our resource and leave the link to your site. Our site is http://www.egypt-online-travel.com/?id=links - it's dedicated to tourism to Egypt
Yours sincerely,
Administration

OK, everybody who is visiting these resources and belongs to this Portal Administration's social group: Go to Egypt! Thank you.
posted by Dave 10:57

WHY GUYS SHOULD NOT COOK

Bad things can happen.

(Thanks to Marianne Roeder)
posted by Dave 10:47

WARNING

If you drink, don't judge.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Jason Easterday)
posted by Dave 10:37

SO NOW THAT THANKSGIVING IS OVER

...this blog wants you to feel better about your body.

(Thanks to Patrick Watkins)
posted by Dave 10:32

HIGH TECH MEDICAL WEBSITE OF THE DAY

This site could totally revolutionize the way abdominal surgeons waste their time.

(Thanks to May Breen)
posted by Dave 10:29

ATTENTION, WAL-MART SHOPPERS

Look down, and don't forget to duck.

(Thanks to Rex Hammock)
posted by Dave 10:16

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Rain of Maggots

Key quote: "Day heard a little 'boop' besides his desk and looked at the floor..."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:59

WHY YOU ARE ADVISED TO ALWAYS CARRY A BAG OF MUD MUSSELS

Because you never know.

(Thanks to Ed "Held Danger" Dahlgren)
posted by Dave 10:25

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using Segways.

(Thanks to Bead Buset and Gordon)
posted by Dave 10:16

WHEN YOU'RE TALKIN' FUN SPORTS

....you're talkin' weightlifting.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 10:14

SIGNING OFF

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy your turkey or tofurkey or turducken or turkey-flavored beverage. Remember all the things we have to be thankful for.
posted by Dave 16:04

EWAN McGREGOR PENIS UPDATE

Ewan explains where you can see it.

(Thanks to David Tong)
posted by Dave 14:59

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they are using houses.

(Thanks to Jim O'Reilly)
posted by Dave 14:58

SERIOUS STORY

This is very sad and in no way amusing.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)
posted by Dave 14:56

ATTENTION, WOMEN

Science needs you.

Kay quote: ""I thought people would be beating my door down..."

(Thanks to John Dodds and ruach13 and Steve Szydlowski)
posted by Dave 14:49

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE TURKEY

This is what they play in Britain. We tried a different genre, but there were too many suicides.

(Thanks to Lord G.)
posted by Dave 14:43

IF YOU WOULD RATHER NOT CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT A DISGUSTING CREATURE COULD BE LIVING IN YOUR NOSE

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Penny McCrea)
posted by Dave 12:59

ATTENTION, INVESTORS

Keep a close eye on the market.

(Thanks to Richard Carey)
posted by Dave 11:09

EMPLOYER OF THE YEAR

Let's all give thanks to the generous management of Air Canada.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)
posted by Dave 11:07

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using grapes.

(Thanks to Tony Bastarache)
posted by Dave 10:20

OK

This is a complete waste of your time.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)
posted by Dave 09:32

YOU'RE NOT REALLY WORKING TODAY ANYWAY

So you might as well enhance your productivity with this application.

(Thanks to Marion McAvoy)
posted by Dave 09:24

FRENCH FIREPERSONS UPDATE

Who designed their uniforms, George Lucas?
-- Martha "Harmed Harlot" Herold
posted by Dave 09:20

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DANGED NATION ON THE WHOLE DANGED EARTH

Because we do things right.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:18

HOW WE PREPARE FOR THANKSGIVING

We watch this, which is old, but still deeply moving.

(Thanks to Louis in Tulsa)
posted by Dave 09:04

UPDATE FROM FRANCE

French firepersons on the job.

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by Dave 18:27

UNFORTUNATE HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

This is an innocent mistake, right? Right?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)
posted by Dave 18:23

LOS ANGELES COUNTY, HAVING APPARENTLY ELIMINATED ALL ITS OTHER PROBLEMS

...turns its attention to offensive computer terminology.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 17:58

WHAT GUYS LIKE TO DO INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

Stuff like this.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)
posted by Dave 17:54

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Because it allows us to do this.

(Thanks to Jared "Idler Can Jam" McLain)
posted by Dave 14:45

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using chocolate Santas.

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)
posted by Dave 13:48

THE NEWS FROM UPPER SKAGIT

...where the men are men, and the librarians are kinky.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:22

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

Matt Wedick writes: "I just came to the conclusion that Clay Aiken is in fact Barry Manilow (3rd picture down) with spiked hair."
posted by Dave 10:18

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

Time for.... the snowglobe from hell.

(Thanks to Tim Ledford)
posted by Dave 10:15

OH, SURE, THIS WILL BE EFFECTIVE

New York State mandates registration of beer kegs.

(Thanks to Howard Hinnant, who notes that the law requires that "if you buy a keg of beer -- 15.5 gallons -- you must consume it within 30 days! Do the math. That's nearly a 6-pack of beer a day! What a sweet deal for the beer distributers here. My guess is that Coke and Pepsi will want in on this deal too pretty soon.")
posted by Dave 10:11

ATTENTION ALGERIANS

Just say no to "beef."

(Thanks to Timothy "Mothy Gent Unit" Nugent)
posted by Dave 10:00

TROUBLE IN GREENVILLE

It's the Leaf Blower Wars.

(Thanks to Micahel Ester)
posted by Dave 09:56

ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The 17-Million-Year-Old Hamsters

(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)
posted by Dave 09:52

CRIMINALS IN TACOMA: EVEN DUMBER THAN THE KLAN?

We report; you worry about the gene pool.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:47

THE KLAN: DUMBER THAN KANNED KORN?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 09:42

WHEN PEOPLE ASK THIS BLOG WHAT KIND OF MUSIC IT IS LISTENING TO

...this blog answers: Mushroom songs.

Key quote: "I think that every mushroom has its own idea which the Creator breathed into it."

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)
posted by Dave 16:23

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using tiny frogs.
posted by Dave 16:17

MORALS UPDATE

No doubt this guy was just doing undercover research.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 14:57

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Illegal Bologna

Key quote: "Children were sitting on top of the illegal load..."

(Thanks to Gretchen)
posted by Dave 12:29

ATTENTION, EMPLOYERS LOOKING TO HIRE "CUSTOMER SERVICE" PERSONNEL

These are your guys.

(Thanks to Chris Kern)
posted by Dave 12:28

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using old public-address pranks.

(Thanks to Derek Breid)
posted by Dave 09:50

EVER WONDER WHAT SANTA HAS IN HIS BAG?

Whatever it is, it makes Santa very happy.

(Thanks to Grayman)
posted by Dave 09:44

GEUDA SPRINGS, KANSAS, TAKES ACTION

If they passed this law in Miami, it wouldn't change a thing.

(Thanks to Mary Hofmann)
posted by Dave 09:41

WHEN PUTTY KNIVES (AND ICE CREAM SCOOPS) ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have putty knives (and ice-cream scoops).

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 08:19

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deer.

(Thanks to Kelly Brown)
posted by Dave 09:44

A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT FOR THE LADY ON YOUR LIST

Nothing says "Season's Greetings!" like the Magic Cone.

(Thanks to L. Muller)
posted by Dave 09:42

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This blog certainly does not see anything the least bit suspicious about this.

(Thanks to Kay Thompson)
posted by Dave 09:22

CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR

"Paint? What paint?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 09:16

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

Spam Rage

(Thanks to Brad Hutchings)
posted by Dave 20:29

WHY THE BRITISH ART COMMUNITY IS RESPECTED AROUND THE WORLD

Two words: Good taste.

(Thanks to many tasteful people)
posted by Dave 20:19

ATTENTION, PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A DEAL ON A PREGNANT HORSE

Look no farther.

Key quote: "There is not as much demand for pregnant horse urine as there used to be."

(Thanks to gretchencs)
posted by Dave 19:57

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Dog Food On Fire

(Thanks to Maria Fannuchi)
posted by Dave 19:57

PEORIA TOILET OCTOPUS MYSTERY EXPLAINED

Whew.

Key quote: "Peorians can rest easy in their bathrooms."

(Thanks to Kevin Brown)
posted by Dave 17:31

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using toilet-dwelling octopi, which would be a good name for a rock band.

Key quote: "Peoria has one of the best sewer systems in Illinois."

(Thanks to Erik Varness and the indefatigable Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:24

LIBRARIANS FIGHTING CRIME

Cookbooks in Bettendorf, Iowa, are freed from the grip of terror.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:21

IF ONLY THEY COULD TAX JUST THE SPAMMERS...

I thought you'd like to know that the Senate is about to vote on the Internet Tax Moratorium. As you probably know, the moratorium is a bill permanently ensuring that states may not tax American consumers access to the Internet. This bill makes the current ban on Internet taxes permanent.
There has been some confusion with a recent email tax hoax.
This tax isn't a hoax, it's real and will happen if it isn't stopped. There is an Action Center set up to fax or email Senators in support of the permanent ban.
-- Thanks for passing this info. along, Mitch Arnowitz marnowitz@yahoo.com

posted by Dave 10:16

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

...tho this motorist.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:10

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using parrots and ferrets.

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)
posted by Dave 10:02

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE SAFETY VIDEO CONCERNING TURKEY FRYERS THIS YEAR

...make it this one.

This blog gives it two severely charred thumbs up.

(Thanks to Thomas McKiernan)
posted by Dave 09:58

CELL-PHONE-IN-COFFIN-THEME APPEARED IN VISIONARY FRENCH FILM

...a very funny 1999 French film (yes, they can be funny, despite their fascination with Jerry Lewis movies) called La Bûche began with a scene in which a ringing cell phone at a funeral gets everyone digging their cell phones out until they all realize it's coming from the coffin. I remember laughing out loud when I saw, wondering how long it would be before it happened in real life. Now I know. Thanks for the link.
-- Tim Dungan-Levant

posted by Dave 09:48

REALITY TV HAS THE SAME EFFECT

Low self-esteem shrinks your brain.

(Thanks to Trevor Green)
posted by Dave 09:45

ATTENTION, MEN

This is so scientific it's scary.

(Thanks to Bob Phillips)
posted by Dave 14:12

I SAY, OLD CHAP: I'VE HAD A BLEEDING STROKE

Question: Did this woman also develop bad teeth?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:26

MODERN FUNERALS

"Whose cell phone is ringing?" "Not mine!" "Not mine either!" "Ohmigod, you don't suppose...."

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)
posted by Dave 09:17

ATTENTION, SQUEAMISH PEOPLE

Whatever you do, do not click here.

(Thanks to Beth Schinstock)
posted by Dave 18:13

PHOBIA UPDATE

We have all suffered from this.

(Thanks to Craig Anderson)
posted by Dave 18:13

WHAT ABOUT DRINKING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MILK?

That is also a bad idea.

(Thanks to gretchencs)
posted by Dave 18:13

IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DRINK THREE BOTTLES OF VODKA IN 20 MINUTES, EVEN TO WIN A CONTEST?

No.

(Thanks to many, many people)
posted by Dave 18:13

IT MUST BE TRUE, BECAUSE IT'S IN PRAVDA

People live inside the Earth!

(Thanks to Josh Cheshire)
posted by Dave 18:13

THIS IS JUST CRUEL

I'll bet I know what that "8" DOESN'T stand for.
-- Tim Ledford

posted by Dave 18:13

SHOULD PREGNANT WOMEN EAT GRASSHOPPERS?

No.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 15:19

UNTIL NOW, THIS BLOG WASN'T AFRAID OF IT AT ALL

...but suddenly, this is all we think about.

(Thanks to Michael van Huystee)
posted by Dave 13:41

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using car-hating turkeys.

Key quote: "He's a mad, mad turkey."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 13:37

MODERN BANK ROBBERS: DUMBER THAN GRAVEL?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 13:32

SONOMA TACKLES THE ISSUES

The people speak out on foie gras.

(Thanks to Tom Preston)
posted by Dave 13:21

ATTENTION, NASAL-CONGESTION SUFFERERS

Here's a new medical treatment that will clear that right up.

(Thanks to Will Clarke)
posted by Dave 13:18

SEX EDUCATION

If this doesn't persuade people to wear condoms, we don't know what would.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)
posted by Dave 10:27

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2,038

Santa is using pagers.

(Thanks to Ryan KcKeon)
posted by Dave 10:23

OF ALL THE RESPONSES WE HAVE SEEN TO 9-11

...this is definitely one of the most, um, interesting.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 17:24

THEIR INTELLIGENCE LEVELS ARE ALSO COMPARABLE

Susan Greene notes that the skin tone of bodybuilders is remarkably similar to this.
posted by Dave 16:58

ATTENTION, MALES WHO WISH, FOR PURELY SCIENTIFIC REASONS, TO SEE THROUGH CLOTHING

Remember these? Well, now they have these.

(Thanks to Jared McLain)
posted by Dave 14:33

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN

They want manliness.

(Thanks to Wendi Martin)
posted by Dave 14:26

THE HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING SEASON IS COMING

...and nothing says "Merry Christmas!" like a Tornado Safe Bed.

(Thanks to Travis Smith)
posted by Dave 14:24

DOCTORS SEPARATE MAN FROM PAY PHONE

This blog bets that both of them file lawsuits.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 14:20

WORLD TOILET DAY UPDATE

Steve Sindorf points out that the World Toilet Day people are running a contest.

Key quote: "Oh Yes! I've a new toilet invention!!"
posted by Dave 13:19

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS!

Now they are using spiders.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:57

WORTHWHILE INTERNET UTILITY

The VCR clock.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:55

CRIME IN JAPAN

Otter smuggling.

(Thanks to Mark Hoerrner)
posted by Dave 10:52

MEDICAL UPDATE

Where were these women when this blog was in college?

(Thanks to Mao) (No, not that Mao.)
posted by Dave 10:07

THIS BLOG CAN BARELY CONTAIN ITSELF

Tomorrow is World Toilet Day.

(Thanks to pretty much everybody in the world)
posted by Dave 10:03

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES WILL BE MAILED

...to this motorist and this motorist.

(Thanks to Kennon "Ankle Bolo Nun" Ballou and Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 10:00

WHAT YOUR MALE CHILD WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

He wants Stink Blasters.

Key quote: "...designed to break wind up to 30,000 times on demand."

(Thanks to Tom Downer)
posted by Dave 09:54

WE EXPECT TO SEE THIS TRIAL ON TV

...the man who allegedly stabbed Corky the python.
posted by Dave 09:45

IT ALSO WORKS ON HUMANS

Tree scientists repel beetles with Swiss cheese.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)
posted by Dave 09:43

SOME THINGS ARE JUST TOO CRUEL FOR THIS BLOG TO LINK TO

For example, this.

(Thanks to Blaine Thompson)
posted by Dave 09:41

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using pitchforks.

(Thanks to Andy Tomlinson)
posted by Dave 09:36

WHY WE LOVE DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY

It has all these cool features.

(Thanks to Lauren Kaufman)
posted by Dave 21:19

YET ANOTHER THING TO WORRY ABOUT

According to this site, Big Razor is Watching You. This blog has NO idea if this is true, but this blog feels that one of the most important functions of the Internet is to make everybody as nervous as possible.

(Thanks to Joel Joslin)
posted by Dave 21:19

THE BAD NEWS IS, THE EARTH IS DOOMED

The good news is: So what?

(Thanks to Taqi Jaffri)
posted by Dave 21:19

IF THIS WERE TRUE

...no male sports team would ever win anything.

(Thanks to Mykel Pickens)
posted by Dave 12:06

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using powdered doughnuts.

(Thanks to Ray Wright)
posted by Dave 12:03

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Naked Springboks

(Thanks to Gretchen)
posted by Dave 11:49

AS IF THE WORLD WERE NOT TENSE ENOUGH

Now Holland has dropped a bomb on Norway.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 22:20

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A PROFESSOR

Travis Doom

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)
posted by Dave 22:13

THIS BLOG SLEEPS BETTER KNOWING

... that police in Salem, Oregon, are using high-tech "Taser" technology to subdue... police in Salem Oregon.

(Thanks to Steve Rhoads)
posted by Dave 22:10

WHEN THIS BLOG THINKS ABOUT TRAVELING BY AIR

...this blog thinks: Ah, Phuket.

(Thanks to Jeremy Cyr)
posted by Dave 21:55

ATTENTION, VISITORS TO CHINA

Do not eat anything.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 21:24

A NATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING

This blog frankly does not know how it will go on.

(Thanks to Scott Hand)
posted by Dave 12:12

ATTENTION, POSTAL WORKERS

Be careful.

(Thanks to Mary Behrendt)
posted by Dave 12:11

INSECT PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

What do you want to bet that these ants have discovered the ant equivalent of this?

(Thanks to David Campbell)
posted by Dave 12:07

THOSE WACKY BRITISH VAMPIRES

...always fooling around.

Key quote: "....Rowberry has said that when the abuse started, he attempted a dialogue by posting letters addressed 'Dear vampires.'"

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 11:57

THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT IF YOU ARE THE PARENT OF A TEENAGED GIRL, NO. 45,873

You notice that, suddenly, she has started chewing gum.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 11:54

WHEN THIS BLOG IS THIRSTY

...it reaches for a big old glass of Turkey and Gravy flavored beverage.

(Thanks to Mike Palmieri)
posted by Dave 11:45

HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISORY

Be on the lookout for persons carrying canned peas.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 11:39

ART UPDATE

"It looks so... lifelike!"

(Thanks to Mike Bickerson)
posted by Dave 11:36

ISSUE OF THE DAY

And our so-called "government" does nothing about it.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 19:16

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS!

Now they're using pork fat.

(Thanks to Jason Henderson)
posted by Dave 16:20

ATTENTION, LONELY PEOPLE VISITING JAPAN

Do not kiss the carp.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 12:17

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using fruit bats.

(Thanks to Matt "Akmtt" K)
posted by Dave 12:08

COLLEGE SPORTS UPDATE

Students engage in good clean campus fun.

(Thanks to Jim Wynn)
posted by Dave 12:03

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT SINGAPORE

Over there, they know how to party.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 12:00

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This giant fiberglass bull is attractive AND practical.

Key quote: "...just the thing for a slow economy to wake up the imagination!"

(Thanks to John De Souza)
posted by Dave 11:57

WHAT GUYS ARE DOING WHEN WOMEN ARE WORKING ON RELATIONSHIPS

Cheese Racing

(Thanks to JoAnna Wood)
posted by Dave 11:53

SOMEBODY ALERT PETA

Nature is out of control in Germany.

(Thanks to Jim Brankin)
posted by Dave 11:50

BARRY MANILOW BOBBLE HEAD: ANOTHER OPNION

I thnk the bobble head looks like former NBA player and hippie Bill Walton.
-- Gordie Fall

A smiliar opnion was expressed by J. Schweers.
posted by Dave 11:46

ATTENTION, GOLFERS

Be careful.

(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)
posted by Dave 11:40

THANKS, SCIENCE COMMUNITY!

Just what we need: another virus.

(Thanks to Benajamin Studtmann)
posted by Dave 11:35

FESTIVE RELEASE OF BUTTERFLIES: ANOTHER EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT

At my church for Easter one year they raised butterflies and planned it so that all the butterflies would be ready to fly away on Easter Sunday. So they opened the box to free the butterflies (the suspense was crazy-intense at this point) and...Nothing happened. All the little butterflies were confused and just sat there and looked around at the expectant crowd. One tentatively walked out of the box. It was very anti-climatic, let me tell you.
-- Rebecca Ruth "A Better Czech Rum" Metz

posted by Dave 11:34

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK THIS BLOG IS KIDDING ABOUT WHAT KIND OF MOTORISTS ARE ISSUED FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Please read this.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 11:31

WHY WE LOOK UP TO THE BRITISH

One word: Class.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 17:50

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, kids can't even play with missile launchers any more?

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)
posted by Dave 17:47

BARRY MANILOW BOBBLE HEAD: ANOTHER THEORY

That's not Barry. It's Joe (rhymes with Heisman) Theisman.
-- mmurpm

posted by Dave 17:42

THOSE BASTARDS!

Now they're using lunchboxes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 16:51

FESTIVE MASS BUTTERFLY RELEASE: A FIRST-HAND REPORT

I once sang at a wedding and afterward was invited to release butterflies with the rest of the guests, and it was undoubtedly the creepiest thing I have ever done. The butterflies were kept in tiny, tiny boxes and we had to stand there looking cheerful as they frantically tried to escape those tiny, tiny boxes, practically flying away (box and all) in the process. Some, tragically, did not survive the attempt. And let me tell you, nothing says "I love you" like a dead butterfly.
Needless to say, I will be sticking to something slighly less insect-like for my wedding (whenever that day comes), which probably rules out a mass release of Barry Manilow. (Do I make it into your blog just for that gratuitous name-dropping?)
-- Katie "Maslanka

We are not that easy.
posted by Dave 16:26

CAUSE OF THE DAY

Ferret Haven

(Thanks to John Stoner)
posted by Dave 16:21

WHY WE NEED TO INVADE CANADA NEXT

For the manure.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 16:00

BARRY MANILOW BOBBLE HEAD DOLL UPDATE

The Barry Manilow bobble head concerns me for two reasons:
1) It looks like the love child of Conan O'Brien and Bill Parcells
2) I now have a really unfortunate and disturbing mental picture involving Conan, Bill, and Barry.
Thanks for that,
-- Jay Felker

ANOTHER VIEW:

Is it just me, or does the Barry Manilow bobblehead look more like hockey legend Wayne Gretzky performing as a lounge singer?
-- Carrie Fisher-Pascual

posted by Dave 15:55

WHEN PEOPLE ASK THIS BLOG: WHAT BAND ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

This blog answers: These guys.

(Thanks to Gerald Reece)
posted by Dave 15:50

ADVISORY TO RESTAURANT PATRONS

If the waiter asks how the service was, smile and say it was great, even if your entree is in your lap.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)
posted by Dave 15:44

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY WANT TO BECOME WHALE RESEARCHERS

Think again.

(Thanks to Isabelle Briand)
posted by Dave 15:39

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using turkeys.

Key quote: "It comes up to people and goes 'gobble gobble gobble.'"

(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)
posted by Dave 09:56

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ADAPTED AS A WHAT??

This is a little scary.

(Thanks to Bath Daniels)
posted by Dave 09:53

WHAT YOU NEED TO BE NEXT HALLOWEEN

You need to be a turkey dinner.

(Thanks to r.ubbish)
posted by Dave 09:50

ATTENTION, MEN WHO LIKE BIG TRUCKS POSING WITH FEMININE-STYLE WOMEN

Here is the calendar for you.

(Thanks to Rex Hammock)
posted by Dave 09:47

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using farting beetles.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 09:36

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO ENJOY EATING WHAT APPEAR TO BE GIANT PREDATORY INSECTS

Yum.

Key quote: "It has the taste which was different from the boiled crab, and a feeling of food."

(Thanks to Brian Duval)
posted by Dave 17:46

ATTENTION, MUSIC-LOVERS

You need this.

Key quote: "...made from a polyresin material." (Just like Barry!)

(Thanks to Donny Kehoe)
posted by Dave 15:39

A GOOD NAME FOR A SHOW THAT FEATURES A LOT OF BANDS WITH GOOD NAMES

Schmeckfest

(Thanks to Bjorn)
posted by Dave 12:31

READER QUERY

I have been looking back at your past links and I find inexplicible refrences to Barry Manilow. One question popped into my mind: Why not Neil Diamond?
Just call me a fan of neither person.
-- SealCommando

OK: You are a fan of neither person.
posted by Dave 10:20

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Iron Snail

(Thanks to mycroftxxx)
posted by Dave 10:18

THIS BLOG SUPPORTS BREASTS

I think it might interest you and your readers to know that the Breast Cancer Site (www.thebreastcancersite.com) is having trouble getting enough clicks per day to donate one mammogram per day. It costs nothing, and only takes a few seconds of your time (and everyone else's) to go there and click on the pink ribbon, which will, in turn, spur advertisers to give money to donate mammograms to those in need of them.
Mammograms, as you probably know, are tests that involve smashing and squishing flat of the boobie itself in order to detect lumps at their earliest stages, and thus giving the woman time to do what is necessary to save her boobies from cancer. This is what we women go through to save our boobies so that you have something to hold onto at night. Also we do it to save our own lives.
So if you really like boobies (and I know you do), please take a moment to post this in your blog. Thanks from all us gals.
-- Michelle 'Hermetic Leg Elm' Megret

posted by Dave 10:14

THIS MAY BE FAKE, BUT WE DON'T CARE

We think it's funny.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 10:11

BEST ARGUMENT WE HAVE READ IN QUITE SOME TIME FOR BUYING A CERAMIC SMOKING BABY

"Celebrate this absurd juxtaposition..."

(Thanks to Kerig Pope)
posted by Dave 10:08

CANADIAN UPDATE

They are taking on the issues up there.

(Thanks to Kaleen Martin)
posted by Dave 10:04

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ROCK AND ROLL

...you're talking about the Freddys.

(Thanks to Lisa White)
posted by Dave 10:00

HIGHER EDUCATION IN IOWA

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Henderson, but Todd can't come to the phone right now."

(Thanks to Hudge)
posted by Dave 09:48

A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

...to this fastidious trucker.

Key quote: "A witness told investigators she found Gilmore naked when she went to check on him right after the accident."

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 09:39

WHEN THIS BLOG WAS A TEENAGER, NOBODY HAD SEX

Now they have sex bracelets.

(Thanks to Gretchen)
posted by Dave 09:36

TERROR STALKS THE SCHOOLS

Police halt hickey rampage.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)
posted by Dave 09:31

ATTENTION, CANADIAN RESTAURANT-GOERS

Try the coyote.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)
posted by Dave 09:28

TERRORIST MOOSE UPDATE

They are out of control.

(Thanks to W Maruca)
posted by Dave 16:25

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH DOGS?

Another one has shot a person. Granted, it was a French person, but still.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 15:12

WHAT WE NEED TO DO

We need to drop everything else and organize a giant fundraising concert, featuring top stars flown in by helicopter, to raise money for the legal defense of Justin.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)
posted by Dave 14:51

WARNING TO DIVERS

Never give Viagra to an octopus.

Key quote: ''Running around with an erection potentially could be difficult.''

(Thanks to Dan Coulter)



posted by Dave 14:47

SPEAKING OF BUGS

Party planners: Nothing says "festive occasion" like the mass release of flying insects!

(Thanks to Will Ledesma)
posted by Dave 11:56

ATTENTION, FANS OF THAI PROFESSIONAL BUG HANDLER BOONTAWEE "NOO" SIENGWONG

"Noo" has set a world record that should stand for, we don't know, months.

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 11:50

THIS MOTORIST ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, BUT...

...now one will also be given to her dog.

(Thanks to Corrine Marasco)
posted by Dave 11:41

THOSE BASTARDS!

Now they're using giant moths.

(Thanks to Martha "Harmed Harlot" Herold)
posted by Dave 11:36

TERRORIST UPDATE

Now the bastards are using drunken moose.

(Thanks to Corinne AM)
posted by Dave 08:31

BAD TASTE ADVISORY

Chris Miller sends a link to this story, and describes it as "Exciting news for Rosie O'Donnell."
posted by Dave 08:26

EVER WONDER WHY YOU NEVER SEE A PREGNANT CLAM?

Wonder no more.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 08:20

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)
posted by Dave 08:18

AUSTIN REMAINDERS GIG UPDATE

Austin was great. Not in the sense of musically great, of course; more in the sense of a lot of people having a festive time and not being made actively sick by our rendition of "Wild Thing."

The musical highlight was "Leader of the Pack," a production number featuring the entrance of a real working Harley Davidson, which had the positive effect of drowning out the band.

Also at one point somebody threw a thong onto the stage. Granted, the thong was attached to a resume. But still.

Anyway, thanks to the Texas Book Festival -- a fine event -- and all the fine people who came out and risked hearing damage.
posted by Dave 16:21

WHAT YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR HOME

You need to get yourself one of these feared predators.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 15:44

RELIGION UPDATE

When people ask this blog why it does not practice the Vodou religion, this blog replies: We are frankly not man enough.

(Thanks to Kevin Breslin)
posted by Dave 13:47

KENTUCKY PRISON AUTHORITIES: LESS OBSERVANT THAN CONCRETE?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Brenda "Smart Behind" Smith)
posted by Dave 13:38

WHY SWEDEN IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, THE POPULAR-MUSIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

Just look at the bands.

(Thanks to Keith "Haddock Ailment" MacDonald)
posted by Dave 11:29

WE DON'T SEE IT AT ALL

Emily Valek suggests that there is something suggestive about this product.

Key quote: "Foaming action right where you need it!"
posted by Dave 11:22

FED EX IS TERRIFIC, BUT...

...it can run you an arm and a leg. Two legs, in fact.

(Thanks to many twisted people)
posted by Dave 11:18

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK WITH PRINCE CHARLES?

A good opener, we think, is: "My biggest problem is this itching all over my body..."

(Thanks to Abhimanyu Radhakrishnan)
posted by Dave 11:09

ATTENTION, CAT PEOPLE

Stay out of Norway.

Key quote: "I then chose to hang the cat from the flagpole so it would be easier for the owner to find him," he explained to police.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 09:09

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using vibrators.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 09:09

AUSTIN UPDATE

The band arrived in Austin Friday, and immediately determined that everybody here is a 22-year-old college student. There are no exceptions. So we fit right in.

We prepared for our "gig" by holding a grueling, 27-minute rehearsal, followed by a three-hour meal at a Mexican restaurant, staffed and patronzied entirely by 22-year-old college students.

Today we do literary book things, and tonight we play. Incredibly, some tickets are still available. We hope to see you there! We will be the old people.
posted by Dave 09:02

BEST USE OF THE WORD "TRUNCATED" IN A HEADLINE SO FAR THIS MILLENNIUM

Right here.

(Thanks to Sean Tanner)
posted by Dave 07:13

CANADIAN FROZEN-DOUGHNUT SCANDAL PLACED IN PERSPECTIVE

I think you have seriously misunderstood the significance of the Canadian donut scandal. Did you know that Canadians eat seven times as many donuts per person as do Americans? I have ten Tim Hortons shops within a kilometer of my house - this is a serious donut country. Finding out that they are selling frozen donuts is like finding out that Sara Lee sells frozen cheesecakes, or Sammy Sosa takes steroids, or Chevrolets rust, or - well you know what I mean. This is a serious issue (as befits a Canadian scandal).
BTW - did you know that Tim Hortons started selling timbits shortly after Tim Horton smashed himself to bits in a car crash? A touching memorial, I always think.
-- Peter ("A curt pen err") Curran

posted by Dave 07:10

WHY WE LOVE SOUTH FLORIDA

Because everybody is so darned tolerant.

(Thanks to Kelli Kirkle)
posted by Dave 11:09

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

These days, they don't let kids have any fun.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)
posted by Dave 10:49

AT LONG LAST

...the answer to the question: "If you were to give the planet Earth an enema, where would you insert the tube?"

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
posted by Dave 10:42

BLOGGING ADVISORY

Blogging will be sporadic and maybe nonexistent for the next few days as this blog travels to Austin, Texas, for a rare (we hope) appearance of the world-famous Rock Bottom Remainders, who will be performing live (some of us, anyway) at the world-famous Texas Book Festival. Joining us will be the world-famous Roger McGuinn, who actually knows how to play guitar chords with his bare hands.

Normal (so to speak) blogging will resume next week, unless there are urgent developments in the Canadian-frozen-doughnut scandal, or the fish-communicating-by-farting research.
posted by Dave 16:47

WACKY LEGAL FUN FOR KIDS

Presenting: Law Stripz!

(Thanks to Roland Crosby)
posted by Dave 16:30

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Saudi Arabia is running low on sand.

(Thanks to Steve Szydlowski and Fi Craig)
posted by Dave 16:23

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're trying to take away the sacred constitutional right of attorneys to sing naked in apartment laundry rooms after their football team wins.

(Thanks to Aleida Wakefield)
posted by Dave 16:18

CALIFORNIANS: ON DRUGS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 16:16

URGENT BREAKING SCIENCE NEWS UPDATE

Fish communicate by farting.

(Thanks to everybody who owns a computer)
posted by Dave 16:13

CRIME UPDATE

Now this is low.

(Thanks to Blaine Thompson)
posted by Dave 12:12

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now the bastards have gone too (burrrrrp) far.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)
posted by Dave 11:59

HEY, BABY...

...wanna come upstairs and look at my furnace stickers?

(Thanks to Lane Closure)
posted by Dave 10:06

"I NEED A CIGARETTE! CAN I PLEASE...

...sniff your brassiere?"

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:49

FINNISH BANK ROBBERS: DUMBER THAN CANADIAN DEFENSE LAWYERS?

We report: you decide.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:42

KENTUCKY UPDATE

Big Ass Fans billboard defended as "very tasteful."

(Thanks to David Sartore)
posted by Dave 09:38

MORE BAD ALBUM COVERS

Here.

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:35

THIS IS NOT GOOD

We're talking about the poop-candy trend, which alert reader Lori "Lori Schwabenbauer" Schwabenbauer has spotted here, here, here, here and especially here.

p.s. Also here.
posted by Dave 09:24

BURP

We hope this guy really enjoyed the beer.

(Thanks to Mary Hofmann)
posted by Dave 09:14

CANADIAN DEFENSE LAWYERS: DUMBER THAN SEAWEED?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to many people)
posted by Dave 09:12

WHY MEN ARE SO EASY

Even their saliva is horny.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 07:54

UKRANIAN NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY

Farmers Attack Giant Potato Beetle

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 07:51

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Worm-Eating Snails

(Thanks to Mark Illingworth)
posted by Dave 07:36

IT'S ABOUT TIME

Here is a long-overdue computer accessory.

(Thanks to Rick Van Baren)
posted by Dave 16:56

ATTENTION PARENTS

Be advised that, unbeknownst to you, your child could be involved with Monkey Chant.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 13:08

WORST ALBUM COVERS EVER

Hard to argue with these choices.

(Thanks to infinity people)
posted by Dave 12:33

FISH RESUSCITATION: ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

If you knew how much some of those carp cost, you'd do CPR to save them too! I'm the webmaster for a high-end koi dealer, and right now he has a koi on his site that's $7500 for a 23.5" fish.  (See the last one on this page.)
The amazing thing is the "cheap" fish on his site -- $300 for a 12" fish. Stuff that's over $1500 sells like crazy. They good ones are really pretty, but they ARE fish.
-- Judy

"The High End Koi Dealers" would be a good name for a rock band.
posted by Dave 12:26

GOOD POINT

Jean "Jut Men Rub All" Trumbull alertly points out that the suitcase frog smuggler belongs on this site.
posted by Dave 12:14

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they are using rams

(Thanks to many anti-terrorism individuals)
posted by Dave 12:11

THIS IS JUST WHAT TODAY'S YOUNG PEOPLE NEED

Introducing Hyper Cow brand caffeinated milk.

(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)
posted by Dave 12:05

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using artillery fungus.

(Thanks to Isabelle Briand)
posted by Dave 11:28

GOOD POINT RE: FISH RESUSCITATION

The big news is not that he performed CPR on a fish.  It's the fact that the carp happens to breathe air.  At last - Darwin's missing link has been found.
Best regards,
-- Peter "Elegant Rap Fan" Flanagan

posted by Dave 10:58

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Risky Diddling

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by Dave 09:58

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this alert motorist.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)
posted by Dave 09:46

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

The sun is on fire.

(Thanks to Jed Brinton)
posted by Dave 09:45

WHO THE HELL SAYS CANADA IS BORING?

They have a huge scandal brewing up there, over (as far as we can tell) doughnuts.

(Thanks to Jill)

UPDATE Alert reader Michael DeCleene emails to note that the Canadian-doughnut-scandal links are actually humor pieces, which means, presumably, that Canada does NOT have a doughnut scandal going on. This blog would like to formally apologize to Canada. This blog probably should make some effort, in the future, to actually read the items that it links to, although in fact this is very unlikely to ever happen. Thank you.

UPDATE UPDATE Michael DeCleene has sent a second email noting that one of the Canadian-doughtnut-scandal stories may actually be serious, which means there may, in fact, be a Canadian doughtnut scandal. There is no way to tell for sure without actually reading the stories, and frankly this blog is too busy blogging to do something like that.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

I'd just like to let you know that yes, Tim Horton's does in fact freeze their doughnuts before sending them to chains nationwide.  And yes, other doughnut chains (specifically, Country Style) have harped on the fact that their doughnuts are not frozen like some of their competition.
However, nobody else gives a flying resuscitated carp.
So, in conclusion: the first article is real, the second is a satire piece.
-- Ryan "New Lardy Lad" Waddell

This concludes (we hope to God) our coverage of Canada.
posted by Dave 09:34

TRUE

Have you noticed that almost every unsavoury idea can be turned into a great one with the simple suffix "The Musical"?
For example:
Smallpox: The Musical
Participatory Budgeting in Brazil: The Musical
Toenail Fungus: The Musical
Even better than the "in my pants" game...
-- Max "Odd Sex Man" Seddon

posted by Dave 09:25

UH-OH

When we wrote about plants growing on people, we did not realize it was an epidemic.

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
posted by Dave 09:22

WHY EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW FIRST AID

You never know when you will be called upon to save a carp.

(Thanks to Charlotte Buckley and Mary Harper and Art Miles and, it turns out, many more people)
posted by Dave 09:16

WHY GREAT BRITAIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL NATION ON EARTH

Technology

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann and David Rublin)
posted by Dave 09:12